September 15, 2008

(copy/ paste from myspace)

Maddox is now TWO MONTHS OLD and my life is fabulous! …Going by faster than the speed of light, but simply amazing! I wonder if this is the new me but the pessimist in me says this euphoria is going to crash down at some point.

I feel loved more now than I ever have. Lance tells me he loves me on average about 36 times a day… no kidding. But this little boy, who's only words are coos, tells me much more than that in just the way he looks at me.

I was talking to Lance the other night and asked, when people say; "this is the life" are they talking about mine right now?

I am definitely not bragging in any way when I say my life is fan-friggin-tastic because I have the same issues as everyone else. I do have a cute little house, but it is little. I have a brand new Tahoe, but it isn't top of the line. I have more clothes than I need, but a lot came from Target too. We aren't scraping for money but we have to be more cautious than ever with just one income. I have AMAZING friends, but I don't talk to them as much as I would like to. I am so close to my family, but sometimes they drive me crazy. My baby is the happiest little thing that I have ever seen, but he has had days that we cry together. I have the greatest husband in the world, but I have thought about packing him a suitcase and sending him on his way, at times!

Some might think this comes from us living "beyond our means" (as my parents think our generation does!) and I would agree I am pretty spoiled as a wife; I can not think of anything I have ever asked for that Lance didn't find a way to get for me… but I am pretty simple also—I really don't ask for much. What I am saying is if I had nothing… if I was poor as dirt, lived in a trailer house, wore clothes from Good Will, and bought groceries at Fiesta Food Stores, I think I would still be happily living on this cloud. Maddox is greater than ANYTHING I have ever done in my life, and there is nothing material that could bring me this feeling.

(…and hey, I am not knocking the trailer house! Find me 10 acres or so back towards home, and I'll set a trailer house on it lickity-split. I want land… bad!)

It is just that now, I understand what matters: MY FAMILY. Lance, Holly, and Maddox… and everything else is just a bonus!

So am I pessimist minded since I can't help but think that this will end soon? ...That sometimes I don't enjoy my happiness because I feel guilty or am scared that if I truly enjoy it, it'll be goon quicker?! I can't help but wonder if I am living on a high of breastfeeding and prenatal vitamins or if I have finally realized to focus only on the positive in my life, and this is the new me?! I wonder if baby 2 bring this much joy one day or is this "1^st baby syndrome"?

For now, I am going to say who cares, and continue to live in the moment… you would too if you were holding this butter ball right now, watching him suck on nothing while he sleeps. And I'll ignore the crudy parts of my day like when I don't get a thing done, or realize my shoulder's covered in spit up but I have already left the house and have nothing to change into or face the reality that Maddox pooped up his back and ruined another $30+ Raulph Lauren onesie that he has only wore twice!

I thought preganacy was the best I have experienced but mommyhood gives it a run for its money!