December 22, 2007

(copy/paste from myspace)

So this Thursday we had our first sonogram. It was something we have been looking forward to since the day we were pregnant. ...until this Tuesday (2 days before our sono)

As most EVERYONE knows, before pregnancy I was a somewhat emotional person. Okay, a VERY emotional person. I cried almost everyday about something. ...It could be something I listened to on the radio, Lance aggravating me, a postpartum mom in our office, an upset friend, a TV show, a patient of mine fighting his battle with cancer, my mom making me mad, the wind changing directions... you get the idea... ANYTHING! big or small. That's just me.

Well, once we found out I was pregnant, everyone was like, "oh no-- she is going to be non-stop crying". Well, they were wrong. I hardly every cry anymore. Actually my emotions in general are somewhat flat. The ONLY thing that gets me going is when I make up something in my head to be wrong with the baby or my pregnancy. (like the miscarriage worries in the beginning) I obsess over things until they seem real. I believe this diagnosis is called ANXIETY?! (But who knows, I'm not an MD!) But seriously, I dealt with it before being pregnant, but I am telling you this is unreal-- I become hysterical! I end up upsetting my mom, making Lance mad, and annoying Candace and Amanda, I am sure!

I tell you all of that, so you can understand why the sonogram was so huge. On Tuesday, I went to my sister-in-law's to get my roots covered, and to chop off these inches I have so patiently worked for. (with Lance's persuasion, I kept it long........ for now ) My mom came over too for a cut. And so did my friend Mandy, who is also pregnant-- right at a month further than me. Anywho... Mandy has rented a doppler off the internet (a devise that picks up fetal heart tones) and even though I felt guilty that we were going to listened to my baby's beating little heart without Lance, I decided to go for it! After 5 minutes of searching for it, we were unsuccessful. At the time I was like, "Oh well, Mandy is 3-4 weeks ahead of me, I am sure that is a huge difference". But the more I thought about it, the crazier I got. I started attaching all these things to it. (ie: I had wrote Love- Lance, Holly and Baby Erwin on our Christmas cards and then LOST them... I thought that was a sign?! I wasn't as tired that week... My boobs seemed to have stopped growing... I can't even remember what else-- but I got CRAZY!) I made it through work on Wednesday somewhat okay. I had to find a bathroom a few times to cry but I was training a girl so I stayed pretty occupied. That night, however, I was only occupied with being Debbie Downer. I cried and cried and cried. Lance kept asking me, "why are you turning our happiest day yet into something sad... be excited... yadda yadda yadda" I was over him and everyone else who told me everything was fine. Because NO ONE knew. Only God. And I was begging Him for an answer, and the best I got was that my sono was tomorrow.

And it was. Thursday came and our sonogram was great. Our 2 inch little tyke was moving its arms and legs like crazy. My friend Amanda said it was probably giving me a stern talking to (very animatedly, as I tend to talk) about chilling out! Maybe so? All I know is that when we [my mom, me and Lance]heard the heart beat (of 180 bpm-- the wife's tale says a girl?!) we had to cry. Of relief more than anything!

We are gleaming with excitement! and for once in my life, I didn't mind everyone saying, "I told you so!" After making our phone calls, we had to celebrate! ...So we shopped! Mostly for everyone else... I'm not finished buying presents yet. Bad, I know.

Anyway, keep praying for us. If not just for our baby's health, then also for my sanity-- and Lance's for that matter!!!