Friday, January 29, 2010


A friend of mine was telling me about her son asking her what perception means... she tried to give a few examples; explaining how things may look one way in one light and a different in another. Or things may be received one way to one person and a completely different way to someone else. Because he is four, he still seemed confused so she had him place his thumb in front of his nose. She had him close his left eye and open his right... and then change eyes. She explained that his thumb was not really moving... but actually his perception that had changed.

I thought it was a good lesson.

FLASH BACK: 5 days before I turned 18 I used a friends ID to go see a concert at Billy Bobs. I was caught at the door before I went in and was handed a $300 ticket. By the time it went to court I already had turned 18, and the officer had written the ticket incorrectly. The judge let us know that she could not make any recommendations on my behalf HOWEVER if this was her daughter she would probably have this looked into further. It was very obvious that the ticket would have been dropped but my mom REFUSED to let me fight it. I had broken the law and been caught and she thought it was a very valuable lesson. I wrote the $300 check out of my OWN account and had to do 12 hours of community service and sit through 2 days of A.A. (misrepresentation of age is considered an alcohol related offense even though I was just trying to be 18?!) Now, as an adult (and mother) I can understand why my mom made me pay the ticket almost 8 years ago. I learned from it.

I KNOW I make mistakes. Everyday, actually! And at times I am unfair. However I love big and am always the first to apologize. Sometimes, when I'm not sure that I should? I think friendships and relationships are more important than words and do not understand people who jump the gun, cuss inappropriately and roll the situation around so they can be the victim? I have a lot a close friends and do no think that happened by accident. I am always willing to drop what I am doing to help out a friend... babysit... answer a nursing question... or just be an open ear! I was raised to take responsibility for MY actions. And I try to do so. When the storm blows through and the emails or texts are read... ON ALL SIDES. I will not be ashamed of my behaviors, the words I used or the madness that I chose NOT to post for the world see. I held true to my values, went straight to the source and asked questions that could not be answered.

Perception, what a funny thing.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

school vs. baby

I am literally runny out the door for a friend's birthday party... so this will be short and sweet.

I have the opportunity to go back to school, mostly online to make about 10 to maybe 20 dollars more per hour. The program starts in 6 months and is 18 months long. The clinicals will suck. I will hate them to my core but I have done them before. I can do them again.

A week ago I was 100% this would be the route I would be taking come June but then I couldn't sleep Thursday night from crunching numbers. IF I do this program, the closest baby #2 could be from Maddox would be 4 years. Remember I want THREE, and preferably FOUR babies. (hush it, to each their own)

I have been praying for a CLEAR direction. And I can talk this out backwards and forwards, weigh the pros and cons, see both sides unbelievably clear, and can not come up with a CLEAR resolve.

There are some in my life that see one side as an easy option and others who see the other side completely clear as right.

This is stressing me out to the max and I want CLARITY!

I'm not sure that I am asking for an opinion, because each person has separate roads in their maps of life that do not run parallel to mine... which would cause different answers to my question.

I think I am asking for prayer.

Thanks, love you all!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

2010 is off to a great start!

Lance accepted the job in Denton, and will start this coming Wednesday! Since starting the process with them, he has had nothing but good feelings and dealt with really nice people. Hopefully this will be good for us, it has answered a lot of prayers!

He is also still seeking the other leads from the places that he had applied to over the last year (who all seem to be showing up NOW... of course!) But it is dog-eat-dog, we will take the best offer. We aren't going to get the days of the nice paycheck from Chesapeake again, so I have finally let that idea go and am focusing on the positives of the additional money coming in. (even if it is not where we were a year ago) We have learned how to be much more frugal and cut out a lot of unneeded spending so if we continue to practice what we learned through 2009, 2010 should be rewarding for us.

I am such a planner and am more than ready to open this new chapter of our lives. Lance says this is bitter-sweet for him. He is overwhelmed with excitement for going back to work... and bringing STEADY income to his family however it has been over 2 years since he actually WENT to a job. He made his own hours and worked mostly from home with the Landman job and for NTBS, so he has never missed out on anything important in Maddox's life thus far. I honestly don't think it is even the big things that he is "grieving" losing, but more the little things like rocking Maddox to sleep, or hearing him call out our name to the monitor every morning, or the thousands of kisses we get from him all day long.

I am so thankful for the career path that I have chosen in health care. Now being PRN, I will be able to manipulate my schedule to work around Lance's and continue to bring home about the same amount of money for us. However in February I got less call hours than I typically do so if I can't get what I need there, the opportunities elsewhere are limitless. I hope I don't have to go that route, but if I do-- we will be fine!

With that said, I have made up my mind that I am going back to school. I owe it to myself to continue on and Lance wants to take some classes as well. We are going to make an appointment to go talk to the counselor and see how soon I can get that process going.

The sooner, the better. I would rather my kids not be any further than 3 years apart so I need to get my ducks in a roll. again.... The planner in me is getting a bit anxious.

Stay posted and as always, the Erwin saga is...To be continued.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

I am so far behind....

I'll try to give the short version of the last few weeks...heck it has been a month, this wont be short:

We had a tacky Christmas sweater party at our house on 12/12. We had SO MUCH FUN and it will for sure be an annual Erwin tradition! There were some great outfits but I think most memorable part of the night was the white elephant present exchange. Our friend Mark drew some red see-through briefs with white fur at the top... and decided to give us a surprise appearance in them! It was more than hilarious! We laughed until we cried that night!

The next week my friend Kristen flew into town from Virginia and my friend Whitney drove down from OK. We had a couple of much needed, fun days with the girls and our babies. (that are now toddlers!!!) We played, had lunch at a little bakery and then let the kids run wild at the Christmas tree farm in Flower Mound. We were the only people there and it was so fun! The next day Kimberly came up and we had a play date/ mini- surprise shower for our friend Kristen. It was so awesome to see our babies back together and see the little people they are becoming!!! camera messed up and sadly I have ZERO pics of these 2 days :(

Work: Night clinic closes 2 weeks out of the year. I still got to take call from home so I didn't mind the closing at all. I make about the same amount of money and I don't have to drive anywhere! Not to mention I was on call Christmas Eve and New Years night... The money doesn't get much better for me than call on holidays!!

December 21 we went to the Stars game with my mom, David, Maddox, Wendy and Pepper. They lost but it was a lot of fun! Maddox did awesome and he had coke for the first time... I wasn't a fan of letting him have it but-- you win some, you loose some. I lost to Gigi.

My parents stayed the night with us that night since we got home so late and my mom ended up sick all night. She went on in to work but was sent to the ER for the pain and vomiting. Days before Christmas she was swept into surgery to remove her gallbladder. Maddox DID NOT like seeing his Gigi like that and did not understand why she wouldn't pick him up!

Christmas Eve brought SNOW!!!!!! A white Christmas for my baby bear! It was so special for me... I was so depressed last year with Lance losing a job that the snow seemed God sent and perfect for our family. I made a decision to be happy this year, and I was. Snow made it MAGICAL! Lance and I even found a back road covered in FEET of snow and we played like kids!

Christmas went on as planned at mom's house... me and my sister just had more responsibilities than we previously thought we had. But I enjoyed hanging out with my sister. She is 18 years old now. How did that happen?

Christmas in general was so great! Santa came... Maddox's face as he rounded the corner into the living room was PRICELESS! We only had 1 or 2 places to go each day so we got to stay and mingle much longer than we typically do. Maddox had so much fun tearing through the paper and playing will all of his toys. He played and played with his cousins. I LOVE seeing Maddox and Gunner together. They are only 6 weeks apart, already so very different, but both so fun! Ellie likes to sass them both into their place!! On Lance's side, Landry follows Maddox around like a little mother and Maddox watches Danes every move. Dane is not too impressed by Maddox just yet! ...but they are 4 years apart. Maddox is in awe!

This was the first Christmas without Joyce. My step dad's mom. She may have not been blood-kin but was for sure my grandma. She rarely missed watching me cheer, play volleyball and even show my pig.... Not to mention, no one made a bigger deal out of Christmas than her, so it definitely felt different this year. I wish she could have been here to see the babies tear through their stuff... but she saw.

Maddox got WAY too many toys... lots of cute clothes ...and (my favorite) 3 cases of diapers!! Lance and I got enough money to pay off my super-cool camera, so we all made out great! And were very thankful for all of our things.

My parents continued on to their planned vacation to Hawaii for a week and my sister stayed with us. We dropped her off on Wednesday so she could head out to Florida for her 7 day cruise. Lance and I can't afford a vacation right now so we packed up and went to mom's empty house! 160 acres of no neighbors feels like a little getaway.

We invited a few good friends out to Paradise to also ring in the new year with us. As we were heading out Maddox had an episode of shaking all over. His lips turned blue and then he started crying. He did this about 4 times in a roll. He then started running a fever. I called a nurse friend who was in the office, she agreed it didn't sound like seizure activity to her or Dr Morrow and I was assured that this was some-what normal in toddlers before a fever. So we continued out to mom's. As I said before, I was on call (it was ridiculously slow) and we all had our babies, so it was pretty mild evening! I slow cooked black eyed peas with Eckridge sausage, bell peppers and onions and I made cabbage and cornbread! (to cover all of the superstitions!) We played a few games and told old stories until 4 am.

At 6:00 am my "mommy instinct" woke me up and check on Maddox. Good thing since he was running 106.1 temperature. I retook it and it was 105.8 twice in a row. Lance and I stripped him down, I placed cool rags under his arm pits, around his neck and around his diaper area, got him a cup of cold water to drink and gave him some Motrin. We got it down to 103 pretty quickly and I decided I would take him to our office once we opened. I know our protocol says that we should go to the ER if it is over 105 but I also know it is not harmful until 108 so I knew I could manage him. On 2 hours of sleep, I got an appointment for my little man. His white count was fairly high and he had a shift in his counts. Knowing we are without insurance, Dr. Guthrie decided to just go ahead and treat him rather than sending him down for an xray and blood culture to rule out a pneumonia or bacteremia. For this I was so thankful! 500mg of Rocephin in his baby leg and a 10 day Rx of Omnicef and we were on our way to healthy.

I missed having my mom here for all of that. I know she hated not being here either. We stayed an extra day in Paradise where we could just relax and not worry about laundry and dishes and everything else that is a part of everyday life. And Gigi's bed is sooo comfy!

We picked my parents up from the airport on 1/3. My mom was craving some Mexican food on the way in and we decided to stop off at El Fenix in Grapevine.We ate, looked at pics and were about to leave when Maddox got fussy. I got up to go to the bathroom and this woman (probably 40... AND in church clothes) says, "shut that kid up" and then her boyfriend says, "put a F*#@ing sock in his mouth"... I stopped and said, "that's my baby" like they had stopped my spirit-- then went back to my mom and started crying. My mom gave them the eye and then we left...Down the road my mom randomly says, "type this # in your phone: 214-504-5201. He had got into his business truck and she memorized his number! I thought about calling him and being ugly (as my mom would have been if she would have gotten to talk!) but instead I called him and apologized for my son's fussiness in the restaurant. I explained that we were recently running 106 fever and diagnosed with a bacterial illness. I told him that I should not have taken him out, still being sick, and allowed him to ruin their last few bites of their meal. I also told him that I noticed that they were in church clothes and that I wasn't sure where they went but told them that we went to an awesome church and they might should try it out! ...I couldn't let him get away with being ugly to my baby boy-- but I think he would have felt justified if I had got down to his level. Hopefully this way he will realize that everyone has a story.

January 5th Lance got a call from one of the million places he had been trying to get hired for!!! He was chosen to fill one of 3 spots as long as he passed the psych evaluation, lie detector test, physical and drug test. He already passed the original test, personal interview, interview board and background check. If all goes well with the other 4 parts, he will start Wednesday 1/20!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU LORD!!!

National Championship game was a big deal in our house. Texas may have lost but us Erwin's looked pretty cute cheering for the burnt orange!

In the last week Maddox's vocabulary has expanded greatly. He is now linking things together and making small sentences! It blows me away how smart he is and how much he learns daily! I don't know why I was blessed with such an amazing little soul... I know I don't deserved to be loved the way he loves me but MAN O MAN, He is amazing!

I'm sure I missed a few things but I hope that I have gotten back on track....