Friday, December 18, 2009

tired, crazy or both?!

I should preface this with saying I worked all day today. I am not used to being on my feet for 8 hours anymore... nor am I use to waking up at 6:00am! I am tired, and feeling crazy!
So, here's the deal!

A few night ago I worked night clinic, I got off at 8:00 and headed to Wal-Mart for a few groceries for the party I was having the following day with my girlie- friends from out of state! (And for gas and a battery-operated booger sucker!) My gas light came on as I left work but I knew I had enough to get me to WM. I pulled up, ready to pump, and realized I had left my wallet in the diaper bag. (Which was at home with Lance.) This has happened many times before, since I do not carry a purse anymore, so I had to call him to help me out. I did not have enough gas to get me home from Keller and then back again, I was sure, so he agreed to dress the boy and meet me there!
We finished up at Walmart, got gas and then headed across the street to CVS for the booger-getter. Just to add to the evening, we pulled up at 10:04 and they closed at 10:00! Doors locked! We decided to head to the 24 hour one on western center because I NEEDED if for part of my friend's gift we were putting together, and I REALLY did not want to get up and go in the morning before the girls arrived!
So we headed down the way, bought to aspirator, and after all of this hoop-la, I didn't feel like making anything at home so I decided to run into Taco Cabana for some late night grub.

While we were there, a girl got up from her group of friends and came to my table. She was ridiculously nice and she felt so familiar to me. Because I am random, I talked to her like we were old friends! She told me that she came from a big family and was only 20 years old. I told her about us too.
Anywho, as we were leaving, a guy was coming in and he stopped me and said, "he has to be just a bit under 2"... I saw his wedding ring and asked if he had kids and he told me he did. A 22 month old boy. He went through animal sounds with Maddox, and had such a friendliness about him. I noticed as we were walking out that he was meeting with that group of kid and the very nice girl. I made up in my head that they were a church group.

I know this is random...

Fast forward to tonight. I was going potty and I opened up a magazine and this chick is all over it. Modeling.
I am HORRIBLE with remembering people's faces. But I was 100% sure it was her. I took the magazine to Lance and said, "do you know this girl?" And he remembered her too.
He wasn't impressed, since we did get a catalog today in the mail with one of our friends modeling some undergarments, but I thought it was so bizarre!
It took me back to my pregnant days when I would obsess over something until I got crazy!! I can't let it go because she was so nice and went out of her way, to leave her table of friends and come play with Maddox that I started thinking what if she was an angel or something?! Remember that show, "Touched by an Angel"? LOL!!
And then I take it to the next level of crazy and got panicky over WHY there would be an angel around him!!
I know I am so tired (I worked all day today) but I got psycho for a minute and looked her up at Campbell modeling agency and then found her on FB. She is a real person!
I left it alone there. I realized I was getting crazy... I didn't email her, but don't y'all think it is weird?
People talk to Maddox all of the time when we were out... he is a super-social baby... but her face stuck with me.
Okay-- it is crazy! You can be honest.

And just to be clear, I PRAY for angels to watch over him every night... so I'm not sure why I am so stressed if she WAS an angel!!

I'm going to bed!

I think I may have taken it too far tongiht?!!

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Polar Express in Grapevine

We rode the "Polar Express" in Grapevine last weekend. It was $16 for adults and Maddox was free... He was still too young to enjoy it but I had a great time just spending time with my family. We came straight from church so Maddox didn't do the PJs but honestly it was so cold he would have had to wear his coat over them anyway so there was no point!
The highlight for me was seeing Ellie's expression when Santa came out. (For Lance it was probably getting to see Josh Hamilton at Bass Pro when we left!) All in all, it was a great time!!

Monday, December 7, 2009


Lance is in the interviewing processes for 2 different places!!! Each have their perks-- neither one out weighing the other-- Which is a good thing, that way, if one offers the job, he isn't heart-set on one or the other. What a blessing!

Two separate people, that I haven't spoke to in months, contacted me today saying I have been on their minds... I hope that means I am in their prayers as well because we NEED this!

I feel good about it... and we will remain positive.

2010 will start us new! I can FEEL it!!


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Thanksgiving and more!

We had such a great Thanksgiving!! It felt like it ran so smoothly this year, we had plenty of time to visit with everyone and Maddox was cheery at every place we went... even without his naps!!! What a blessing!! I think we will try and talk everyone into following the same schedule next year except maybe persuade Nana into a 12:00 time slot so we can gorge at her house too! (... However the leftovers were wonderful!) and maybe we can talk Granny E to moving hers to 2:00-- instead of both of them at 1:00. But even with them both at the same time we worked it out! I wish everyone would do it a week a part so we could eat like that for a month!! I love me some Thanksgiving grub!!

Another "new" for this Thanksgiving is that Lance and I became those crazy Black Friday shoppers!! I have been wanting a camera since before I had Maddox. I became obsessed with the idea after I had Maddox... I have watched my friends listen to my obsession, get their own obsession (and cameras) and I still had NO CAMERA. Last year, I was supposed to get a camera but Lance lost his job and I had already dropped a lot of money on him a shotgun, so we forfeited the camera idea. (shotguns are not refundable!) Recently a new camera came out that also videos in 1080 HD!! So, I had a new obsession! Lance had asked the family members that typically get us a presents for Best buy gift cards this year and he was going to surprise me with it... but then he found out it was going to be a part of the door buster Black Friday hoop-la. (Okay, he found out because I was going crazy about it!) So we did what any other UNreasonable person would do... we went to 2 separate Best Buys on Wednesday night to see how many cameras they had and we had my um, sister-in-law (sorry Ness, it'll take me a while to stop calling you that!) to come over at 4:30 am to babysit (because she's awesome like that!) and we went to Best Buy at 5:00am!! The line was wrapped around the building so we thought there would be NO WAY we would get the camera... but we pulled in, Lance dropped me off at the door, he parked and 20 minutes later were were paid out and back in the car! We put in on our old BB card for no payments/ no interest and are hoping those same people will just do cash and we'll pay it off. Again, I said it was unreasonable!! But I am STOKED!!!! I want to sit down and read my manual from beginning to end, but with little hands and a busy work schedule, I haven't had a chance. I already have some ideas stirring in this head of mine! I love pictures! People are going to think I am the paparazzi at Christmas!

Speaking of Christmas: I am MUCH more excited about Christmas now... 17 month olds are hard to predict but hopefully he will ham it up again and not be a whiner! He loved showing off all of his tricks at all of the places... and as quickly as he is learning and changing, I am sure he will have a whole new bag of tricks to show off come Christmas! He is going to be all about unwrapping the gifts and playing with the boxes this year... I get giddy just thinking about it!
Black Friday also paid out because we were able to go to 6 stores, and be home by 10:00am and were able to finish up on 16 out of our list of 19 people's Christmas present buying. Go us!! And Lance and I had soooo much fun doing it! Santa needs to think of a few more things for Maddox but he is just about done too! I was pretty down and out last Christmas and guiltily wished Maddox first Christmas away... but not this year-- I am going to be positive and I am excited!

December is to fun-packed to be depressed anyway!

Mine and Lance's anniversary is tomorrow. 3 years of marriage... 8 years together!

My work party is Thursday... at a winery! We always have so much fun at our Christmas parties!! ...and the gift card's not too bad either!! :)

Lance and I are having a Christmas party at our house on the 12th... we have to wear tacky holiday apparel and we are playing White Elephant Chinese Christmas! Our friends are funny and crazy so I am anxious to see what they bring and wear!!

My friend Kristen is flying in, and Whitney and Kimberly are driving up for a winter play date and party at our house on the 17th... I can not wait to see these girls and see our babies interact together... it has been too long!

...And I am sure there is more!!
Fun times!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Monday, November 23, 2009

poopy pants!

Yes, that is poop in that water! This is about the 4th time in 2 months that he has given me a bath time surprise... but 2 nights ago things got WAY worse!!

We had been out-and-about all day, with Maddox in the stroller or car seat or high chair all day long. When we got home, I stripped Maddox down, with plans on putting him in the bath to soak and sooth his little hiney but his daddy had already "called" his bathroom!

So I let him run around naked, to air out a bit!

And that is when we heard the sound... he was peeing in the corner!

So I cleaned it up and went back to be cleaning the kitchen.

Minutes later, Lance yelled at me to check on Maddox again because, this time, he was "too quiet"-- good call dad! Maddox came around the corner with poop EVERYWHERE!! And by everywhere, I am including his hands and MOUTH!! Maddox had his own poop in his mouth!!

Sorry there are no pictures of that one-- I was in complete disgust and he was quickly swished off to a pre-bath in the sink and then Lance gave up the bath room for a head-to-toe scrub down!

Lance keeps saying that he thinks he is ready to start potty training because he picks up on everything we try and teach him so quickly... I say we need WAY more time!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

holidays, schmolidays...

I can't decide if it is the time change or the holiday's approaching with an empty pocket book or the threat of colder weather or what... but things have been pretty pessimistic here on Erwin Lane. ...Okay on Holly Lane!

When I feel really crappy and negative, I have to step back and look at our picture through Maddox's eyes. He doesn't have a clue! As a matter of fact, he would probably think he is much richer than most kids because he has his mommy AND daddy at home to play with every day! He would probably go on about his amazing baseball swing and how he can now make baskets in his basketball goal all by himself. (both due completely to the fact that his daddy works with him every single day.) Or about how he and his mommy BOTH ride around together on his fire track beeping our fake horn at the pretend people in our way and the puzzles we do together on the floor. I am almost certain he wouldn't mention our savings account that has dwindled away with his mommy's pride over the year but more about his body parts-- hair, ears, nose, mouth, belly, lips, hands, and feet; all of which he gets so proud to show off! He would not mention the tears that his parents have lost in bed while discussing this hell of a year, but probably the laughs that they have because they were best friends long before they were his parents.

I HAVE to stay positive because being negative is DRAINING me slowly. And this particular time of the year, always sucks! I wished away Maddox's first Christmas because I was so depressed that my perfect scenario for life was pulled out from below my feet and I have to make a conscious effort to not do that again this year. We are making memories. Crappy or not, they are memories.

The holidays always stink for multiple reasons...
  • Money: 3 years ago Lance and I got married on December 2. Though my mom and Lance's dad paid for most of it, Lance and I paid for a lot too and then spent a week on our honeymoon and came back with just DAYS to throw it all together. ...2 years ago (Lance was still in the mortgage business) and he got a 30% pay cut right before Christmas, since that is right with the market was falling off. ...And then last year, December 17th Lance lost his job. Though he was making great money then, I was panicked about spending any because I had no idea how long we would be in this situation. (thank God for the saving strategy-- it has helped up this past year). ...And now this Christmas. Sales for Lance are so variable. One month can be great and the next month may be zero. and I HATE that. I hate the unknown.
  • Time: (This will hopefully be much better this year...) Since I was a small child we have had to run like crazy to fit everyone in and hear the bickering between everyone over the issue to boot. Then I got married and doubled the places... and doubled the bickering! Both sides of our families are divorced so we have lots of places to go, we have tried our best to make everyone happy but inevitably never do. A few years back I was told that my brother and I have screwed up every Christmas since we were a small child so Lance and I decided we would never screw up that particular Christmas again, and cut that one out. Lance's grandmother on his mom's side and my grandmother on my step-dad's side both passed away this last year, so we have actually cut out 2 more places as well and this year are down to 5 places! We will fit them all in and enjoy them each individually, because we always do, but the thought of making it work with a 16 month old is a bit nerve-wracking!
  • Work. Since I am working PRN now, I get paid triple time to work holidays... which makes things more difficult for 3 reasons... one: night clinic is canceled for the weeks of Christmas and New Years and that's what I work and two: because it is just one more variable in the "time" section and three: HELLO triple time-- we are broke!! I will be taking much more call from home those 2 weeks so that will be nice too. There is nothing I love more about my job then the fact that I make 1/3 of my earnings each year from home!
But we will figure it out, we always do.
  • Hopefully one of the 9000 applications my husband has filled out will snatch him up... he is quite the catch! ...and that would alleviate my financial stress!
  • Our thanksgiving schedule is going to be REALLY nice... only 3 places to go Thanksgiving day and only 2 of them are at the same time! Maybe Christmas will follow suite!
  • I will just have to work. Its money. Thank the Lord I chose nursing-- which isn't really threatened by this ridiculous economy. I also applied for a nursing position at TCU... What a blessing that would be... FREE SCHOOL for Lance and I! I will keep my fingers crossed!
I will continue to look through Maddox's eyes... they are beautiful eyes you know! And try and stay positive... it is a much better way to live!

My father in law sent me this, and it really hit home to me:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on

inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed,

arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride,

superiority, and ego.

"The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,

kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:

"Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied,

"The one you feed."

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


I have not blogged in a few days, mainly because I have felt so negative lately, and no one wants to read that! And, mother nature, the dreaded beast, also popped up... man I miss those 2 years of not seeing her! I am going to blame her for the mood!

With Thanksgiving coming near, I thought I would list a few things I am thankful for.... and I am thankful for so much more!
  • Maddox. I do not deserve him, but I am thankful for him. Massively, passionately, deeply thankful.
  • Small towns. Though they have their faults, there is a "homey" feeling I get just from driving through. I miss the country.
  • Understanding a "mother's love". What an awesome thing. Something you can't describe until you live it. My mom warned me.
  • My front loading washing machine. Laundry is much more fun of a task with it.
  • My husband. He is a great guy. My best friend. And a mold for an exceptional dad. I consider myself lucky to have him. We make a perfect team.
  • Chai tea. Mulled cider. Iced caramel lattes and any other drink that makes me think of fall.
  • My mom. Though we butt heads at times, she listens well and understands even better. I Love her.
  • Music. All kinds. Accenting all moods.
  • Computers. Cell phones. And pagers. All of which allow me to pick up a paycheck while staying at home with my sukie bear.
  • cherry vanilla cokes.
  • Kind words. I make a point to compliment strangers and call managers when someone is really good at their job. It always makes my day when someone I don't know compliments me or tells my boss that I am good. I pass it on!
  • Amanda, Wendy, Candace, Kimberly, Kristen, Whitney, Randi, Holly, Malerie, Autumn.... and all of my other friends that I go to with questions, doubts, tears, laughs, etc. I love each of them for different reasons and so thankful for them individually.
  • Animal crackers. Which work as a reset button to my crying boy.
  • Pine-sol, Lysol, bleach and all other smell good cleaners.
  • my father-in-law.
  • Icing. homemade please.
  • video baby monitors. That let me check on my precious cargo all night long.
  • my family. and all of the things they do that make me crazy. It makes for good conversation pieces.
  • fall. the colors, flowers, smells, tastes and leaves.
  • Facebook. What a wonderful thing for nosey people like myself.
  • cell phones... and plans with massive amounts of minutes and unlimited texts.
  • The Black eyed Pea, Cotton Patch, Texas Roadhouse, Babes, & Celebrity Bakery.
  • heating blankets in the midst of winter.
  • game nights with our family.
  • pedicures, massages, shopping, make-up, and other things that keep me girly.
  • my wedding ring. And my watch. My 2 most expensive pieces of jewelry. both gifts from Lance.
  • memories, pictures, and better times.
  • lazy weekends, great services on Sundays, weekend dinners at mom's.
  • my husband's acceptance of me. always. :I'm not athletic. I'm not graceful. I am girly. I don't know about sports... or guns. I want more babies. I am emotional. I am petty. I am mean. I am irrational. I forgive too easily. I want too much. I love too much. I please too much. I can't say no. I am picky. I am high strung. I am hard to live with. I am an open book. And he loves me. I am thankful.
  • Thanksgiving food.
  • Rain.
  • the relationship Maddox has with Lance. They are already best friends. Literally.
  • stress, it reminds me I am an adult.
  • hope and faith. Which shows me the light at the end of this tunnel.
  • Blue Bell Homemade vanilla ice cream with milk on top.
  • Days at home with the 3 of us. Our late night bed time... and our baby who sleeps until 9:00 or 10:00.
  • Hardwood floors, which make cleaning up my yorkie-dogs pee much easier.
  • this year. Though I can't wait for it to be a memory... what a journey we have had. And what a mound of knowledge we have gained. We have learned to find positive in negative situations and cling to faith when we hit a wall. We are a 3-man unit. And a dang good team.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


I wrote 25 random facts on FB a while back... I just read them and thought I'd change a few and add a few... just for fun!
  • I LOVE sweet tea... and if it is decaf, it is just a bonus!!
  • I used to cry a lot. And not necessarily because I was sad.... but I rarely cry anymore. Sometimes I worry that I have gone flat. Or maybe I have finally realized that I only have to care about Maddox and all the other details that have hurt my feelings and what not aren't really all that important anymore.
  • I wish I loved my little Macy dog the way I used to... I love her-- but she slipped WAY down on my list.
  • I hate checking the voicemail on my cell phone, It makes me sick to see that I have so many waiting so sometimes I just delete them all at once! I hate to answer my phone too... but I do enjoy the text. Please just text me!
  • I never go a day without talking to my mom... or my friend Ponce.
  • My friend Wendy and I can go WEEKS without talking and one phone call will bring us right back to the same page in minutes. I love her.
  • There is nothing better than waking up to my sweet baby boy, playing in his crib and talking about his mommy and daddy.
  • I am not athletic. Or fast. I don't work out. I can't even yo-yo!
  • I have not worn a size 2 in probably 8 years... I should be pumped except I'm too broke to buy a new wardrobe.... so I hate it.
  • I recently started eating shredded chicken again but I have not eaten ground beef in eight years.
  • Lance has applied to well over 100 jobs without one damn interview. Why?
  • I have never been fired from a job.
  • I don't have any tattoos... I am not necessarily against them I just change my bedspread too often to permanently ink my body.
  • I love soup. and avocados.
  • My brother has a tattoo to represent my son on his arm... It is ridiculous how much I love my brother.
  • I play the craziest scenarios in my head and think about how I would respond to them if they really happened. I can't decide if it makes me crazy or just prepared?!
  • It is WAY easier to work when you don't actually HAVE to be there.
  • My husband is hilarious. But I like to tell him he's not sometimes just to put him in check.
  • I buy expensive makeup but use cheap shampoo.
  • I have huge tonsils. I Love high thread count sheets. I over-use chapstick. I am random!
  • I would have more kids than Brad and Angelina if I could afford them.
  • I have taken THOUSANDS of pictures of my child and have printed off ZERO.
  • I love Gateway church and the feeling I have when we leave.
  • I am a really anxious person.
  • I hate anything that flies or jumps... basically anything that I can't predict its next move.
  • On taco night (or lunch like today) I eat my tacos: corn tortilla, beans, sour cream, lettuce, shredded cheese, and ketchup. It still grosses Lance out after 8 years.
  • 3 separate people have told me that I am always "neat" and "put together"... I only took it as a compliment from one of them (Candace) who said I don't check the mail without looking nice. From the other 2, I think it was a way to say not pretty.
  • My friends Candace and Holly are both very spiritually grounded and I trust their opinions tremendously. ...and they are both very different people.
  • I love fall decorations but I hate Halloween decorations. I hate spider webs spread across bushes, tombstones, skeletons looking like they are crawling out of the dirt and most of all I hate those strains of pumpkin or skeleton lights that are only about 5 foot long and are notoriously planted off center in the flower beds. And I really hate it when people keep them up past Halloween...
  • I have awesome friends. Like beyond amazing. They come from all walks of life and I love each of them for very different reasons. I forgot that girls our age can still be caddy, but I found out recently they can... mine aren't.
  • The holidays make me anxious. So many places to go-- NEVER making anyone happy-- everyone saying that they understand but then back hand the conversation by saying they wish we could stay longer... I dread it every year. We said we would stop once we had kids... but here we go again.
  • I wish I had a good up-and-down belly button... even weighing 8lbs less then when I got pregnant with Maddox, my belly button is still rather horizontal.
  • I also wish I had those breastfeeding boobies back... maybe one day I'll buy a set.
  • I am constantly in awe of my friends family around me... they make me proud-- and I should probably tell them more. My cousin Amber is graduating college this December, My bestie Wendy went back to school while a mom for her awesome degree... as is my friend Kimberly... I think I want to go back to school soon. When I can afford to.
  • Lance and I took Maddox to the park today... we probably should have left the dogs at home but we all had fun!
  • We are having a Christmas party for our friends...festive clothing required and Chinese Christmas --Lance style! I need to get planning. It is going to be a blast!
  • Sometimes it blows my mind how Lance is so opposite of me (ie: anxious) but so similar that it gets a little scary. (ie: very protective)
  • I love my Mamaw... she recently turned 94!! Maddox was named after her.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Halloween 2009

Since we lived way in the country, Halloween was not a big deal in our family. Never in 16 years of living in Paradise did we have ONE trick-or-treater!! I only remember dressing up one time for our town's fall festival when I was really young (as snow white) but I was probably a cheerleader on other years so it doesn't stand out!! For the most part we did not gush over the day, we just went to the school's festival and had our faces painted or whatever. And we loved it! So making a big hoop-la over Halloween feels a bit silly to me!
But because I don't want my kid to miss out on anything... we dressed him up... and started a tradition this year!
We met Lance's sister's family (Jenn, Gardner, Landry and Dane) and my mom and David (and my sister and her friend Carissa) at Dos Chilis in Bridgeport for dinner... and then we hit up the town for some trick or treating! I thought Maddox would definitely be too young to enjoy it but I was wrong-- he loved it!! We let him walk up to a few doors and hold out his bag (and some people actually gave pretzels-- which he loved, and suckers-- which we let him attack!!) but mostly he just did some people watching from his trusty wagon!!
We ended the night at Chastity and Rusty Coleman's to see Holly and Ryan and munched on some yummy food!
We had such a nice night being with our families... I can't wait for the years to come!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

a mad mommy

I usually try and be funny or sincere with my blog posts and also try to even it out so that it isn't all serious or all laughs either... But today's post is neither. Tonight I am pissed.

It is no secret that I split up Maddox's vaccines. I have said time and time again that I DO NOT think vaccines are dangerous or harmful but we all have issues of anxiety as parents and vaccines are it for me. ...I won't kid you, I have other worries-- but this is one I stand pretty firm on.

I blogged about this anxiety back in the day... I think it was the night before Maddox had his 2 month check up. Lance and I made the decision to split the vaccines and we held firm. I caught SO MUCH slack for that. Every nurse I worked with said things about me being one of "those moms" and would continually drop comments my way making fun of me. One day during a lunch with the Merk reps (a manufacturer of vaccines) the entire luncheon turned its attention to me and my 'crazy ways'. Usually I laugh it off by agreeing that is is a little nuts and then change the subject. But NO MORE. I am done.

I have NEVER pushed my views on others. If my friends ask me my opinion, I tell them what we do for Maddox but then tell them that they should make their decision on their own opinions based on what will work best for their family. When parents call me at work, I tell them that vaccines are perfectly safe and that we have plenty of studies to prove it. However, if I have a mom call me who's child reacted poorly to their vaccines, (like Maddox did when I went AGAINST my mommy voice and did all 5 at his 4 month check up) I will tell them that the final word is theirs and if they would rather do a few less next time, that is their decision and they can talk to their physician about that. I'm sure this would be frowned upon, but we are the patient's advocate, right? And I am a worried mommy too.

Anywho, tonight I was confronted with quite the situation. A co-worker of mine decided to talk about a chick that is having a baby tomorrow and asked if she was going to be one of those 'weird mom's' who split up their vaccines... I said, "like me?" and laughed but she agreed. (this is maybe the 4th or 5th time this particular person has made snide comments to me) I said, very politely, "those weird mom's are just worried moms... wanting what's best for their baby"... she rolled her eyes and said, "and us normal mom's don't worry?" I turned around and started doing my work but immediately started breaking out in hives!!! ...and then I blew up! I dropped some ugly words... we went back and forth a few times and then I begged the question, "how what I did with MY child's shot record affected YOU in any way??" Get over yourself.

And it felt good.

From now on I am not going to laugh it off and act like, "I know... I'm a little nuts" anymore-- I'm going to get all up in their kool-aid! I'm working on some come backs now... Like telling them to mind their own business... or explaining that my kid's SR looks just like their kids, so they should quit being psycho and getting down to dates... or reminding them that their child is as old as me and they had about 80% less vaccines then, so of course they wouldn't worry about it-- they are too old to deal with such issues. Or to shut the hell up, I'm sick of looking at their face. :)

I will admit that I am a sucker. When people are mean to me, I forgive them quickly and try to be their friend later... that's who I am. Somewhat pathetic. But do not... DO NOT question my parenting skills. I will slash your tires for that! (now picture my smirkish-I'm kidding but not really face!)

I still need to post Halloween pictures and pictures from the airshow but I haven't gotten that far yet!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Thanking God for unanswered prayers...

So I had applied for a management position with CCPN. Great benefits, substantial raise, office job.... This job, pre-Maddox, is everything I could have asked for in a career. I had 3 interviews, all went beautifully and I had multiple recommendations from employees within their company, and I was told I came with high regard. I KNEW I had it in the bag.
It was one of those things that I was SO sure of that I immediately started second guessing it:
  • Is it worth putting Maddox in Daycare, paying $900 a month to do so and only being able to play with him between the hours of 6:00pm and 9:00pm during the week?
  • Is it worth leaving a job that I love, with doctors that not only do I respect and trust with my child, but that I also call my friends?
  • Is it worth losing a boss that not only cares about how our practice runs as an entity but also cares about me personally, my husband and my child?
I had to hold most of these feelings at bay because when said aloud, I knew it was selfish and would be crazy to turn down. My family has had a terribly hard year and this honestly would be the answer to a lot of prayers... I knew that WHEN this job was offered I would have to take it. I continued to pray that the Lord would lead us to whatever was right for our family... and I asked that whatever we were given, that it be easy on us-- I feel that we have had enough 'difficult' this year.

What I did not do however was call and check status. Each day someone would say, "have you heard anything yet?" and I would say... noooo? (you know, play the dumb card) and when they asked if I had called to check on it, I would simply say no. (like I didn't know that was something you were supposed to do?!)

WELL-- This past week I agreed to work for one of my friends while she went on her honeymoon. Initially I had intended to cancel my nights of night clinic during those 8 days (one of the other things I was sad to give up with the CCPN job... you've got to love that freedom of being PRN) but I was only able to cancel 2 of them since everyone came down with FLU!! The first week I worked 4 night clinic nights... 2 nights of call... and 3 days in the office. The 2nd week I worked 2 nights at night clinic... 2 nights of call... and all 5 days in the office. Although it felt so good to see some of my old patients and catch up with my old co-workers and to envision that check I was creating-- I WAS EXHAUSTED!!!

I have good work ethic, I always have, I am definitely not scared of working... and not to toot my horn, but I am good at my job-- I enjoy it.
But I HATED missing out on my time with my boy. Every day sucked. Each morning I would think about what breakfast I was missing out on... and play time... and bath time... and lunch time... and so on.

I made up my decision... [there is not a price tag on what I have now. I get to stay home with my pookie-pie everyday-- we can still do anything we want to as long as we are done by 4:00 and then I go to work, 4 nights a week. I try to have dinner in the crock pot or made into a casserole so things are easy for Lance or I will cook a big lunch for us and they have leftovers for dinner. My check is the same or more now that it was when I worked full time since I get a night time differential and take call now] ...I am not taking the new job!!

And luckily I did not have to disappoint my family and explain my "stupid" decision. They don't want me! Silly to say, but I am stoked! I got an e-mail last night that they have filled the position!

...And I got a raise from FWP last week at my 4 year evaluation!

I'm going to go with this being a "God thing"... an unanswered prayer. (or maybe a secretly answered prayer!)

Please continue to pray for Lance. WE NEED IT!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Circus Circus

My mom got tickets to the circus for this past Saturday night. I have been ecstatic since she bought them... glow sticks, cotton candy, elephant rides... bring it on!

Corny or not, I have dreamed about this sort of stuff since I was little. When other kids were planning their lives... going to A&M or where ever.. becoming teachers or doctors... I just wanted to be a mom. The nurse thing was never a dream... just something I knew I would be good at.

Family events like days at the park, pool, pumpkin patch or zoo, play dates with friends, or mommy/Maddox days at home-- this stuff rocks my world! I constantly talk about the things that we can do "once he is bigger"... Ranger games, Disney World, IMAX movies, 6Flags, Sea World, museums, plays... I could go on and on. One of the things on my list of, "I can't waits" was the circus... I said WAS...

We had a little Pasados before hand, Buddy LOVED the icecream!We got there early enough to do some elephant riding. It sounding like an awesome idea.... (one of those things I had been ultra-excited about)

My brother's kids had fun!
My kid, on the other hand... FLIPPED A LID! I still crawled onto that wild animal with him... Maddox, stiff as a board and screaming at the top of his lungs. (with the occasional 'limp body' just to take my breath away) I was terrified. With one hand, I was squeezing him so tight that I'm still not sure how he was able to breathe to scream and with the other hand I was clenching the bar so tight that my hand hurt afterwards. I literally was still shaking 15 minutes after the ride. It was 5 minutes and $16 of hell.
That's real fear. I didn't even know pics were being taken... or even that there was another rider on the giant mass of animal either... not until I saw the pictures.
I DID know however that 2 laps around our ring was WAY to long and I was about another minute away from puking on myself.

We spent the next 3 hours trying to keep Maddox from beating the kid in front of us with his glow stick... from screaming so loud the old lady in front of me stared more at us than she did the clowns... and listening to Lance say over and over, "never again". Thank God for Iphones and movies that contained him some... and for the 30 minutes he napped and gave the ol bat in front of us a break!
3 hours was just too long. :(
A nap made Lance and I feel like we had accomplished something!
No more circuses until he is 6. or 16.
or maybe 36.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

panties & tampons... a boy's best accessory.

My father in law showed up a little earlier than expected this morning to go shopping: I was in the shower, Lance was on the computer and Maddox was running around still in his pjs!
Lance came and knocked on the door to give me the heads up, so I wouldn't come out naked and embarrass myself-- (anyone that knows me, knows that I am habitually naked) and to tell me to put the hustle on! I asked Lance to throw Maddox in the bathtub to spare me a few minutes and then I could take over...
Lance soaped him clean, diapered him up in about 2.2 seconds and APPARENTLY sent him in the living room to play with Papa so he could get ready. A bit later while I was drying my hair I heard Lance laughing in our bedroom. I said, "what?" but he assured me that it would be better seen for myself!

My sweet baby boy proudly pranced into my bathroom sporting a pair of mommy's panties around his neck-- head through the leg hole-- and a tampon in his hand, swinging wildly like a bat!

He just came from the living room with his Papa. My father in law.


THESE are the days of our lives.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Teething and some other hoop-la

This is for you Pat. Patricia. KdoubleH. The one, The only.
I have to keep you interested after all. :)

Lets talk teething.

Should I feel bad that I have medicated my child the last 2 nights before bed for my own sanity? I ask as I am about to dose for night 3, but maybe I won't. Maybe I will see...

I have been blessed with an awesome kid. I cherish the fact that he is an amazing sleeper. As a matter of fact, the 1st night home from the hospital Maddox slept 6 hours. He has a pretty fluid routine and it works rather well with mine so I try not to rattle it. He goes to bed somewhere between 10 and 11:30 and sleeps until 8:30 or 10:00. So these crazy nights where he wakes up screaming throw me for a HUGE loop.

The first time he cut teeth he was 4 months old. This was really bad planning on his part because it also happened to be when Lance's granny was passing away. He was really too young to be cutting teeth (so we thought) so everyone just thought I had a horrible kid. You know the look people give when you are trying to convince them that he is typically really mild mannered... at home... when 16 strangers aren't kissing his face... and his daddy's actually coming home at night instead of sleeping at the nursing home and coming home only for a quick shower... Well, I got that, "I'm sure" look!

The second batch, at 8 months, came in as a 4-some from hell across the top! I thought I was near suicide. It was horrible. A random lady asked me if she could hold him for me. I gladly handed him over but she returned her purchase pretty quickly. The same day, I made Lance pull the car over so I could get out for a minute because we had 3 options: I could cuss and scream at the top of my lungs... I could fling myself into oncoming traffic... or he could give me a second to walk around aimlessly in a parking lot and cool off! He called me dramatic, but then let me do the last one... I looked like a transient!

Third batch (the 2 lower lateral incisors) weren't so bad... just a bit fussy with acidic stool and a blistered bottom, and a few restless nights.

Now these 2. Not as bad as the quad-o-terror, but still no fun. I do not know what to do with this child who will randomly look me in the face and scream at the top of his lungs. I want to pop his mouth. I feel like these outbursts of anger are like him talking back or something! I can't remember how long this stuff lasts but I am ready for those little boogers to pop through the gums and be gone! I want my sweet boy back!

P.S. I decided against the Motrin tonight... let's see how this goes!

Few side notes:
  • I have put The Biggest Loser (from DVR) on pause twice while typing this to get more cake. That seems so wrong. But man this is a tear jerker.
  • Lance taught Maddox how to give Eskimo kisses this week... It is SO CUTE!!
  • I still haven't heard back from the job that I have had 2 interviews for. I should call but I kind of don't want to. :(
  • Lance and I like to make up songs a lot and I secretly videoed Lance rapping to Maddox but he swore me to never share it. (actually he swore me to delete it... but I didn't.)
  • I love that Maddox is already ALL boy. He ALWAYS has a ball, a bat, or a golf club in his hands at all times. I love that.
  • We are going shopping with Papa Tony in the morning! Circus in 2 weeks with Gigi, Pop, and Weeder's family!! Family pics in 3 weeks!!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Getting started...

I expect this one to be a little rough around the edges... Give me time, I should get better!
Since I haven't "blogged" since Maddox was 2 months old, I really don't know where to start. I have missed talking about his first time to roll over, crawl, pull up, and then cruise. I missed blogging about him getting his top 4 teeth at once and how I made Lance pull the car over because if I heard him scream another hour I was going to fling myself into oncoming traffic! I missed talking about his first birthday party that I put my blood, sweat and tears into and how he took his first 2 steps on his birthday. I missed getting to blog about the day he started walking and when we realized it had progressed to the run.... So I can't think of a milestone to gush about right now...

I guess I'll write about my hubby. Life. and Love. ...Since this is fresh on my mind!
Our life is FAR from where we planned it to be at this point in our lives. There are days that we get wrapped up in the day to day stress that we carry and forget to look at the big picture...
Last night he came to bed and I could tell something was up. He is at a funeral today for a guy he went to fire academy with. A man who cancer took his life quickly and he is leaving behind a wife and 4 young boys. This is the 2nd person to pass away from their group and so one of the reasons he is upset is because this guy is a father and it hits home a little more and another reason is because he is superstitious and he thinks these type of things always come in 3s.
I think his anxiety was increased after he got off of the phone with his sister who had just been to the viewing for the 4 year old boy in Bridgeport. Occasionally something like this will slap Lance in the face and he will make promises to be healthier and what not.
This was the same thing last night.
He wanted to talk about how I would take care of Maddox if something happened to him, though twisted, I am kind of use to this. It wasn't a month ago that Lance had me tell him who I would have for his Pallbearers if something were to happen to him. As I type this I do think it is a little crazy... but because I know my husband better than anyone else on this earth, I know it is just his way of checking the locks for the 16th time and driving back to make sure the garage door went all of the way down. He NEEDS to be prepared!
We talked until almost 2:00am about life, death, faith and love.
We cried about how much we love Maddox and how scary it is to love something that much.
We laughed at the seriousness of his words when he said, "Maddox is going to be good at golf" in normal conversation without even thinking. He went on to tell me that Maddox already has great form and holds his hands perfect every time. (let me tell you that Maddox's golf club is a fat, red, Fisher Price club, less than 2' long!!) and then pitifully said, "but he's right handed..." and then did a face of not being satisfied! He's 14 months old Babe!!
Nights like these make all of the bad times worth your while. When your husband tells you how much he loves you and why he picked you to be his life-long partner... and when you know he doesn't have an alterior motive in doing so!! I think love is like a roller coaster... it is the lows that make the highs so much better. And looking at the monitor, to our perfect jewel that is 1/2 me and 1/2 him, who loves us both more than we probably deserve... makes this economy crap just dust in the wind.
Keep us in your prayers... and by that, Pray for natural disaster please! (He is a catosrophic insurance adjuster, you know!)

Sunday, October 4, 2009

September 17, 2008

(copy/paste from myspace)

call me a hypocrite...

Maddox has his appointment this Thursday for his 2 month check up. As you know, I am a pediatric nurse. I receive my paycheck for loving on babies, well and sick. I hold back hair for vomiting kiddos, I hold the hands of postpartum moms, I reassure new dads over the phone… this is what I do.
I chose to be an office nurse rather than work in the hospital because of this alone. I love to watch a worried dad, help his "crazy" wife turn their jaundiced preemie into a fat butter ball. I enjoy seeing a newborn change so quickly into a toddler and reach each milestone… and eventually know me too, as Nurse Holly—as they run, and play and talk! I gave up a lot of the excitement and the nursing skills that go along with working in the hospital by taking this job. I do blood pressures, hearing and vision tests, I irrigate ears, I give updrafts, I do urine catheterizations, and minimal lab draws. I splint arms, and dress wounds and bla bla bla-- nothing wild!
The one thing I do… or did… over and over… every single day… was immunize our kiddos. I listened to worried moms (usually the granola-type moms) hold vaccines or put their kids on an alternate vaccine schedules. I always asked why, to see if they truly had reasons and had done research to back it up or if they were just jumping on the bandwagon like the grapefruit diet.
I thought these moms were a little crazy until that episode of Oprah with Jenny McCarthy. It happened to air on my half day and I sat here in front of my TV and cried. Even she said that there is no evidence linking immunizations to autism, her push was that you should always follow your "mommy instinct", if something doesn't feel right- don't do it.
I showed up at work the next morning—crying. How many moms had I rolled my eyes at for her choice to hold vaccines? What if one day there is evidence linking the two… Then how many kiddos have I "administered" autism to? Every doctor in the building was throwing studies at me to read. I LOVE every single doctor I work for but one even told me that I might want to look for another job because I needed to wholeheartedly believe in what I am doing.
I know the studies. (and I knew them before all 6 doctors gave me crap to read.) These "autism from vaccines" people claim that it is from thimerisol (a mercury derivative) found in vaccines. They all say that the MMR vaccine is the bad one. HOWEVER, there is no thimerisol in the MMR vaccine. It is a live vaccine that you mix right before you give it. The only thing my office gives that has thimerisol in it is the flu vaccine… with TRACE amounts. There is more mercury in fish than in the vaccine.
I am not discouraging vaccines in any way. Honestly, I belive those who don't vaccinate their children are irresponsible to society. They are hoping that the rest of the world WILL immunize their children so that they don't have the risk for theirs.
I have thought a lot about this autism thing. I think one of the reasons that the numbers are SOOO much higher now than what they have been in the past is definitely the umbrella use of the title. There are so many different spectrums of autism. Kids with a speech delays are thrown in with children with idiosyncratic social skills, such as Asperger Syndrome.
I have to believe in what I do… I have no evidence to believe otherwise. So I made up my own reason! …With no research at all!
(I am a hypocrite, you see?!) I think that eventually the food we eat will be linked to the diagnosis? The only reason I think that is because so much of these kid's symptoms are minimized by just dietary changes. Think about the hormones and antibiotics in our meat that have already been linked to things such as premature puberty in girls.
Sooooo I pay over $200 each month for a freezer full of organic meat and veggies. This was my conclusion to protect my son. (I have never been accused of not being a little crazy!) We had a company come out while I was pregnant and give us their spill… and needless to say it didn't take much to sell me. And the way I look at it, I already spent the money each month at the grocery store, and this is much better quality and much better for us also. We buy organic milk too, it is more expensive but it lasts much longer. Anywho, this has held me over… until now.
I have a baby due for SIX immunizations in 2 days. A baby boy. (Autism is much higher in boys)
Jenny McCarthy—I am listening to my mommy voice. I am going to march my hypocritical, educated-- but no evidence of linking the 2, licensed nurse bottom in there and say six is way too much for the immature immune system of my two month old baby boy.
And I am scared.
I am sure I will be mocked… but who cares. I am definitely going to vaccinate my baby. It is important, and I believe that. But I have the choice to split it up… and I will. ...Two at a time until his shot record looks like all the rest.
I am the mommy!

September 15, 2008

(copy/ paste from myspace)

Maddox is now TWO MONTHS OLD and my life is fabulous! …Going by faster than the speed of light, but simply amazing! I wonder if this is the new me but the pessimist in me says this euphoria is going to crash down at some point.

I feel loved more now than I ever have. Lance tells me he loves me on average about 36 times a day… no kidding. But this little boy, who's only words are coos, tells me much more than that in just the way he looks at me.

I was talking to Lance the other night and asked, when people say; "this is the life" are they talking about mine right now?

I am definitely not bragging in any way when I say my life is fan-friggin-tastic because I have the same issues as everyone else. I do have a cute little house, but it is little. I have a brand new Tahoe, but it isn't top of the line. I have more clothes than I need, but a lot came from Target too. We aren't scraping for money but we have to be more cautious than ever with just one income. I have AMAZING friends, but I don't talk to them as much as I would like to. I am so close to my family, but sometimes they drive me crazy. My baby is the happiest little thing that I have ever seen, but he has had days that we cry together. I have the greatest husband in the world, but I have thought about packing him a suitcase and sending him on his way, at times!

Some might think this comes from us living "beyond our means" (as my parents think our generation does!) and I would agree I am pretty spoiled as a wife; I can not think of anything I have ever asked for that Lance didn't find a way to get for me… but I am pretty simple also—I really don't ask for much. What I am saying is if I had nothing… if I was poor as dirt, lived in a trailer house, wore clothes from Good Will, and bought groceries at Fiesta Food Stores, I think I would still be happily living on this cloud. Maddox is greater than ANYTHING I have ever done in my life, and there is nothing material that could bring me this feeling.

(…and hey, I am not knocking the trailer house! Find me 10 acres or so back towards home, and I'll set a trailer house on it lickity-split. I want land… bad!)

It is just that now, I understand what matters: MY FAMILY. Lance, Holly, and Maddox… and everything else is just a bonus!

So am I pessimist minded since I can't help but think that this will end soon? ...That sometimes I don't enjoy my happiness because I feel guilty or am scared that if I truly enjoy it, it'll be goon quicker?! I can't help but wonder if I am living on a high of breastfeeding and prenatal vitamins or if I have finally realized to focus only on the positive in my life, and this is the new me?! I wonder if baby 2 bring this much joy one day or is this "1st baby syndrome"?

For now, I am going to say who cares, and continue to live in the moment… you would too if you were holding this butter ball right now, watching him suck on nothing while he sleeps. And I'll ignore the crudy parts of my day like when I don't get a thing done, or realize my shoulder's covered in spit up but I have already left the house and have nothing to change into or face the reality that Maddox pooped up his back and ruined another $30+ Raulph Lauren onesie that he has only wore twice!

I thought preganacy was the best I have experienced but mommyhood gives it a run for its money!

August 25, 2008

(copy/paste from myspace)

Here is an update on the first 6 weeks:

We ARE still nursing and it is going well-- so well, in fact, that our little chunk-of-love has gained almost THREE pounds already!!! He was 11lb 4oz last week. I am 95% breastfeeding but I am not crazy anymore about formula. I'll give him a little here and there. Like yesterday at the mall he ate twice... one feeding I nursed in the food court him while a nasty old man stared me down and the other I gave him a bottle. No I take that back… 3 times. I nursed him in Dillard's dressing room too. He never gets more than one bottle in a day-- and it is only if we are out and about or if he is having a growth spurt and I can't keep up one of his feedings.... but this 3 pounds goes to mommy not a bottle here and there.

For the most part Maddox is awesome. He cries when he is hungry or when he needs to burp and occasionally when he is dirty… but other than that he smiles and coos. He has even started laughing now! But he only does it when he is going to sleep. I wish so bad I knew what was so funny. I would do it over and over because he has the cutest laugh. I mean, what could he possibly be dreaming about? What does he even know at 6 weeks? Mommy. Daddy. Ceiling fan. Boob. Whatever it is, I love to hear him chuckle!

It is in those things where I can not wait to do this again… and then we have a bad day like today and reality sets in!

We are keeping my 2 year old niece, Ellie, tonight to give my brother and Randi a break. Their newborn, Gunner is 5 days old now and is having a horrible time with his bilirubin. He also has his days and nights all mixed up. Randi, who is never emotional or a worry wart, is beginning to get overwhelmed. Those first 2 weeks suck. You feel like you are living someone else's life—or at least I did! She is sleep deprived and is having to keep him under the lights all day and she needed a break. Not from Ellie—who is a very good 2 year old, just for some rest!

Well, I met my brother at Wal-Mart because I had to do some grocery shopping too but Sundays are horrible at Wal-Mart. My mom met me there to help but she had to leave because she had to meet with their builder. That would've been fine except Maddox decided he needed to eat just as we were checking out-- I nursed and him and he kept screaming...I burped him... still unhappy… I changed his diaper... still screaming, I made him a bottle... but he continued to scream. So I decided to drive on home with Ellie telling him, "Hey, NO"... over and over... even she was frustrated! I got home-- unloaded a 2 year old and 6 week old to find that Lance left the utility room door open and Macy had dug in the trash and found a chocolate donut-- you see Lance didn't go to WM with me because he had to stay home to work but he ended up getting lunch and going to the neighbor's house. He had not done a dang thing to the house, trash was all over the utility room, Macy was full of lethal chocolate and Maddox was STILL screaming-- for over an hour now... I had spent $200 at the grocery store on side things—we have a deep freeze full of organic meat and veggies-- I had intentions of a good meal but we ended up eating sandwiches tonight! And we had to make Macy throw up AGAIN... while the groceries stayed in bags and the cold stuff went hot. YAY.

Moral of the story: I'll wait a bit before we do this again. Ellie is great but I can see why another set of tiny hands just adds to the anxiety. When I get the baby itch, I'll go get a niece or nephew and see how 2 are so different from 1. GREAT BIRTH CONTROL.

But days like this are far and few between. He even has a schedule at night now... We feed around 10:00 or 11:00 at night and he sleeps until 3:30 or 4:00. Then sleeps after that feeding for another 4 or 5 hours! Can't beat it! I even have even found a way to cheat the system a bit... he starts squirming at about 3:00 or so and I get up and pump and then I feed him pumped milk at that feeding from the bottle! Too many nights I kept falling asleep while nursing him and this way I have to wake up and get out of bed but the whole process takes maybe 30 minutes rather than an hour. Last night Maddox ate at 9:30 and didn't wake up until 4:00 then didn't wake up until 9:45 for the next feeding-- Sounds great but OMG I was engorged both times—which is painful!

Well it is midnight and I better get to sleep because even though this little guy may sleep until 9:45... the Ellie belly will be up and excited come 7:30, I am sure! She is at a fun age and it is funny how she gets super excited about Maddox and Gunner-- sometimes I think she thinks they are the same baby! We like to say she looks like an excited deer in headlights when she sees them.

July 25, 2008

(copy/paste from myspace)

I worried a lot before I had him about the depressing part that follows delivery. Honestly, it hasn't been bad. (and maybe it isn't suppose to start yet?) I do get weepy every night as the sun goes down but it isn't like being depressed, it is more like being homesick. You know that feeling you had as you crawled into your bunk at church camp and you just wanted to go home? It is like that except I am home! Lance jokes that he is going to rent some big lights to shine over the house so I won't know when the sun is setting! I think it is because pregnancy was a gradual process and having him here is 100% full force. But we are managing! Other than bed time—I am usually beaming with joy over this doodle bug that is finally here! I love him ridiculously!

As for our health:

The boodie-bear's ring fell off his tee-tee and his cord is soon to follow. Then he can have a full bath-- yay!! Breastfeeding was a little difficult at first and my mom tried to talk me into quitting because she thought it would bring down my blood pressure but it is something that means a lot to me and we can do it! Thankfully I hung in there because he is nursing a lot better now. Mainly since I found the greatest invention ever—the nipple shield! I was battered and blistered and bleeding and would dread his next feeding but this thin piece of silicone has taken away 90% of the pain that came with him latching on! And as of his appointment last Monday he had already gained one ounce!! That is awesome for a breastfed baby. They typically lose 5-8% before they begin to gain! Monday he has his 2 week appointment and I can't wait to see how much he weighs now.

As for me:

My blood pressure is still way out of whack. I had to go back to my doctor on Monday because it wouldn't stabilize. I was put on a blood pressure medication, and then they had to double it Wednesday because we saw no change. They tripled the medication yesterday because it is still so high and I go back again Monday to talk with Dr. Deem and maybe she'll just change it to a whole different drug all together. For whatever reason, it shoots off the charts when people come over to visit so I have to sit here all hermit-ed up or else it goes buzzerks! Lance and I make conscious efforts to stay away from things that elevate it (since they have freaked us out about strokes and seizures) but sometimes nothing at all shoots it up? I hope that gets regulated… it is starting to make me crazy.

As for my help:

Lance has been great, on soooo many different levels. I don't know how women do it as single moms. I could not be this sane without my husband here. I don't even know how women deal with their husbands going back to work. I am so lucky Lance works from home! We have a system down that works well. I feed and he burps as I get the one side put away and the other side ready again. Maddox's feedings take about one hour from beginning to end and he typically stays awake an hour or so after his 9 o'clock-ish feeding. Lance usually rocks him back to sleep and I go on to bed. I couldn't ask for better support between Lance and my mom. Both have been amazing.

Well I say that….

I lost my mom to my sister this week. To add another stressor, my sister rolled my mom's Tahoe late Sunday night/ early Monday morning with 4 other kids in the car. Two girls were ejected but everyone, over-all, was "okay"… both of girls were released from the hospital the same day. My sister is bruised and sore and has a terrible neck ache but has no traumatic injuries. This wreck has brought a lot of things to the attention of me and my brother which has caused us to question a lot of people—my sister, my parents, and even ourselves. My brother went to the wreck and said after looking at the car, there really should have been fatalities. We pray that they understand the seriousness of this since so many kids lose their lives in car wrecks EVERY year in Paradise.

Speaking of Tahoes…

I got a new car a few days before we had Maddox and still have not drove it! I drove it ½ way home from the dealership and that is all. It is big and I am small and Ma-max is much smaller than that and I am scared of it I think! Silly, I know!

As for our activities:

We have tried not let our little Maddox hold us back. Lance still played his Sunday golf this week and my mom and I made a small shopping trip. I even mastered shopping and nursing at the same time while staying covered up to boot!! We have taken him to 6 different restaurants already in these past 2 weeks and he has done well. Me, I don't do quite as well because I feel like my life rolls around a 3 hour clock and I sit anxious that at any minute he is going to wake up hungry and my meal will be over. But I am working on it! …Give me time. We are even supposed to go on vacation next Friday with my parents but we will have to see?!

On an exciting note…

As of my appointment on Monday, (4 days post delivery) I only had 8 pounds to loose to get back to pre-Maddox weight. I am anxious to see where I am this coming up Monday… Maybe I won't have to learn how to work out after all—let's face it, I'm not very athletic!

As for life's lessons:

In these two weeks I have realized that there is so much more to love. I never would have thought that I could love my husband even more than I already did… but I do. It is a different love—seeing him as a daddy is the greatest yet. And as for the love I already have for Maddox… It is difficult to articulate—it is way bigger than that. It is in every small thing… like when he is screaming and my mom and Lance have put in good effort to calm him but then I put my lips to his and say shhhhh real soft… and it works! He quiets and looks at me—at 2 weeks old he knows I am his mommy! It is when I really should lay him down to rest but I would rather hold him and stare at him because I know this baby will soon be a boy and I don't want to miss a single moment of him. It is watching the DVD of pictures to music that my brother-in-law, Ryan made over and over even though I have them memorized at this point because I simply do not want to ever forget all of the special moments that filled our day. It is the worry I have every time I put him to sleep and pray that God holds him through the night for my fear of SIDS overwhelms me at times. And it is those times when Lance reminds me about faith that I can close my eyes and sleep. This new love seems bigger than me but is amazing! I was reading in one of my books what another mom wrote:

"…its checking on him every 5 minutes in his crib making sure he is still breathing. It is the need to protect him at all costs, and knowing that you simply can't. It's the overwhelming sadness that someday he'll walk out the door and you won't be there to save him from life's cruelties—the hurt and grief and pain from which you can't even protect yourself. It is trying to memorize every pout, each gentle sigh, how he holds his tiny hands in front of his face in such complete awe, the way he looks at you and smiles and burrows his head into your shoulder to sleep. It's knowing with a kind of bittersweet ache that these moments are as fleeting as snowflakes on his little cheek. It's knowing that for the first time in you life you simply don't care about you, that nothing is more important than his health and happiness. It's knowing that you would give your own life, never to see or hold him again, if it could guarantee his own. It's knowing, finally, the meaning of true love, and fearing that it will be taken from you. I once said that having my child was the hardest thing I would ever do, but now I understand I was wrong. Loving him is."