holidays, schmolidays...

I can't decide if it is the time change or the holiday's approaching with an empty pocket book or the threat of colder weather or what... but things have been pretty pessimistic here on Erwin Lane. ...Okay on Holly Lane!

When I feel really crappy and negative, I have to step back and look at our picture through Maddox's eyes. He doesn't have a clue! As a matter of fact, he would probably think he is much richer than most kids because he has his mommy AND daddy at home to play with every day! He would probably go on about his amazing baseball swing and how he can now make baskets in his basketball goal all by himself. (both due completely to the fact that his daddy works with him every single day.) Or about how he and his mommy BOTH ride around together on his fire track beeping our fake horn at the pretend people in our way and the puzzles we do together on the floor. I am almost certain he wouldn't mention our savings account that has dwindled away with his mommy's pride over the year but more about his body parts-- hair, ears, nose, mouth, belly, lips, hands, and feet; all of which he gets so proud to show off! He would not mention the tears that his parents have lost in bed while discussing this hell of a year, but probably the laughs that they have because they were best friends long before they were his parents.

I HAVE to stay positive because being negative is DRAINING me slowly. And this particular time of the year, always sucks! I wished away Maddox's first Christmas because I was so depressed that my perfect scenario for life was pulled out from below my feet and I have to make a conscious effort to not do that again this year. We are making memories. Crappy or not, they are memories.

The holidays always stink for multiple reasons...

• Money: 3 years ago Lance and I got married on December 2. Though my mom and Lance's dad paid for most of it, Lance and I paid for a lot too and then spent a week on our honeymoon and came back with just DAYS to throw it all together. ...2 years ago (Lance was still in the mortgage business) and he got a 30% pay cut right before Christmas, since that is right with the market was falling off. ...And then last year, December 17th Lance lost his job. Though he was making great money then, I was panicked about spending any because I had no idea how long we would be in this situation. (thank God for the saving strategy-- it has helped up this past year). ...And now this Christmas. Sales for Lance are so variable. One month can be great and the next month may be zero. and I HATE that. I hate the unknown.
  
• Time: (This will hopefully be much better this year...) Since I was a small child we have had to run like crazy to fit everyone in and hear the bickering between everyone over the issue to boot. Then I got married and doubled the places... and doubled the bickering! Both sides of our families are divorced so we have lots of places to go, we have tried our best to make everyone happy but inevitably never do. A few years back I was told that my brother and I have screwed up every Christmas since we were a small child so Lance and I decided we would never screw up that particular Christmas again, and cut that one out. Lance's grandmother on his mom's side and my grandmother on my step-dad's side both passed away this last year, so we have actually cut out 2 more places as well and this year are down to 5 places! We will fit them all in and enjoy them each individually, because we always do, but the thought of making it work with a 16 month old is a bit nerve-wracking!
  
• Work. Since I am working PRN now, I get paid triple time to work holidays... which makes things more difficult for 3 reasons... one: night clinic is canceled for the weeks of Christmas and New Years and that's what I work and two: because it is just one more variable in the "time" section and three: HELLO triple time-- we are broke!! I will be taking much more call from home those 2 weeks so that will be nice too. There is nothing I love more about my job then the fact that I make 1/3 of my earnings each year from home!

But we will figure it out, we always do.

• Hopefully one of the 9000 applications my husband has filled out will snatch him up... he is quite the catch! ...and that would alleviate my financial stress!
  
• Our thanksgiving schedule is going to be REALLY nice... only 3 places to go Thanksgiving day and only 2 of them are at the same time! Maybe Christmas will follow suite!
• I will just have to work. Its money. Thank the Lord I chose nursing-- which isn't really threatened by this ridiculous economy. I also applied for a nursing position at TCU... What a blessing that would be... FREE SCHOOL for Lance and I! I will keep my fingers crossed!
  

I will continue to look through Maddox's eyes... they are beautiful eyes you know! And try and stay positive... it is a much better way to live!

My father in law sent me this, and it really hit home to me:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on

inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed,

arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride,

superiority, and ego.

"The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,

kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:

"Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied,

"The one you feed."