Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Thanking God for unanswered prayers...

So I had applied for a management position with CCPN. Great benefits, substantial raise, office job.... This job, pre-Maddox, is everything I could have asked for in a career. I had 3 interviews, all went beautifully and I had multiple recommendations from employees within their company, and I was told I came with high regard. I KNEW I had it in the bag.
It was one of those things that I was SO sure of that I immediately started second guessing it:
  • Is it worth putting Maddox in Daycare, paying $900 a month to do so and only being able to play with him between the hours of 6:00pm and 9:00pm during the week?
  • Is it worth leaving a job that I love, with doctors that not only do I respect and trust with my child, but that I also call my friends?
  • Is it worth losing a boss that not only cares about how our practice runs as an entity but also cares about me personally, my husband and my child?
I had to hold most of these feelings at bay because when said aloud, I knew it was selfish and would be crazy to turn down. My family has had a terribly hard year and this honestly would be the answer to a lot of prayers... I knew that WHEN this job was offered I would have to take it. I continued to pray that the Lord would lead us to whatever was right for our family... and I asked that whatever we were given, that it be easy on us-- I feel that we have had enough 'difficult' this year.

What I did not do however was call and check status. Each day someone would say, "have you heard anything yet?" and I would say... noooo? (you know, play the dumb card) and when they asked if I had called to check on it, I would simply say no. (like I didn't know that was something you were supposed to do?!)

WELL-- This past week I agreed to work for one of my friends while she went on her honeymoon. Initially I had intended to cancel my nights of night clinic during those 8 days (one of the other things I was sad to give up with the CCPN job... you've got to love that freedom of being PRN) but I was only able to cancel 2 of them since everyone came down with FLU!! The first week I worked 4 night clinic nights... 2 nights of call... and 3 days in the office. The 2nd week I worked 2 nights at night clinic... 2 nights of call... and all 5 days in the office. Although it felt so good to see some of my old patients and catch up with my old co-workers and to envision that check I was creating-- I WAS EXHAUSTED!!!

I have good work ethic, I always have, I am definitely not scared of working... and not to toot my horn, but I am good at my job-- I enjoy it.
But I HATED missing out on my time with my boy. Every day sucked. Each morning I would think about what breakfast I was missing out on... and play time... and bath time... and lunch time... and so on.

I made up my decision... [there is not a price tag on what I have now. I get to stay home with my pookie-pie everyday-- we can still do anything we want to as long as we are done by 4:00 and then I go to work, 4 nights a week. I try to have dinner in the crock pot or made into a casserole so things are easy for Lance or I will cook a big lunch for us and they have leftovers for dinner. My check is the same or more now that it was when I worked full time since I get a night time differential and take call now] ...I am not taking the new job!!

And luckily I did not have to disappoint my family and explain my "stupid" decision. They don't want me! Silly to say, but I am stoked! I got an e-mail last night that they have filled the position!

...And I got a raise from FWP last week at my 4 year evaluation!

I'm going to go with this being a "God thing"... an unanswered prayer. (or maybe a secretly answered prayer!)

Please continue to pray for Lance. WE NEED IT!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Circus Circus

My mom got tickets to the circus for this past Saturday night. I have been ecstatic since she bought them... glow sticks, cotton candy, elephant rides... bring it on!

Corny or not, I have dreamed about this sort of stuff since I was little. When other kids were planning their lives... going to A&M or where ever.. becoming teachers or doctors... I just wanted to be a mom. The nurse thing was never a dream... just something I knew I would be good at.

Family events like days at the park, pool, pumpkin patch or zoo, play dates with friends, or mommy/Maddox days at home-- this stuff rocks my world! I constantly talk about the things that we can do "once he is bigger"... Ranger games, Disney World, IMAX movies, 6Flags, Sea World, museums, plays... I could go on and on. One of the things on my list of, "I can't waits" was the circus... I said WAS...

We had a little Pasados before hand, Buddy LOVED the icecream!We got there early enough to do some elephant riding. It sounding like an awesome idea.... (one of those things I had been ultra-excited about)

My brother's kids had fun!
My kid, on the other hand... FLIPPED A LID! I still crawled onto that wild animal with him... Maddox, stiff as a board and screaming at the top of his lungs. (with the occasional 'limp body' just to take my breath away) I was terrified. With one hand, I was squeezing him so tight that I'm still not sure how he was able to breathe to scream and with the other hand I was clenching the bar so tight that my hand hurt afterwards. I literally was still shaking 15 minutes after the ride. It was 5 minutes and $16 of hell.
That's real fear. I didn't even know pics were being taken... or even that there was another rider on the giant mass of animal either... not until I saw the pictures.
I DID know however that 2 laps around our ring was WAY to long and I was about another minute away from puking on myself.

We spent the next 3 hours trying to keep Maddox from beating the kid in front of us with his glow stick... from screaming so loud the old lady in front of me stared more at us than she did the clowns... and listening to Lance say over and over, "never again". Thank God for Iphones and movies that contained him some... and for the 30 minutes he napped and gave the ol bat in front of us a break!
3 hours was just too long. :(
A nap made Lance and I feel like we had accomplished something!
No more circuses until he is 6. or 16.
or maybe 36.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

panties & tampons... a boy's best accessory.

My father in law showed up a little earlier than expected this morning to go shopping: I was in the shower, Lance was on the computer and Maddox was running around still in his pjs!
Lance came and knocked on the door to give me the heads up, so I wouldn't come out naked and embarrass myself-- (anyone that knows me, knows that I am habitually naked) and to tell me to put the hustle on! I asked Lance to throw Maddox in the bathtub to spare me a few minutes and then I could take over...
Lance soaped him clean, diapered him up in about 2.2 seconds and APPARENTLY sent him in the living room to play with Papa so he could get ready. A bit later while I was drying my hair I heard Lance laughing in our bedroom. I said, "what?" but he assured me that it would be better seen for myself!

My sweet baby boy proudly pranced into my bathroom sporting a pair of mommy's panties around his neck-- head through the leg hole-- and a tampon in his hand, swinging wildly like a bat!

He just came from the living room with his Papa. My father in law.


THESE are the days of our lives.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Teething and some other hoop-la

This is for you Pat. Patricia. KdoubleH. The one, The only.
I have to keep you interested after all. :)

Lets talk teething.

Should I feel bad that I have medicated my child the last 2 nights before bed for my own sanity? I ask as I am about to dose for night 3, but maybe I won't. Maybe I will see...

I have been blessed with an awesome kid. I cherish the fact that he is an amazing sleeper. As a matter of fact, the 1st night home from the hospital Maddox slept 6 hours. He has a pretty fluid routine and it works rather well with mine so I try not to rattle it. He goes to bed somewhere between 10 and 11:30 and sleeps until 8:30 or 10:00. So these crazy nights where he wakes up screaming throw me for a HUGE loop.

The first time he cut teeth he was 4 months old. This was really bad planning on his part because it also happened to be when Lance's granny was passing away. He was really too young to be cutting teeth (so we thought) so everyone just thought I had a horrible kid. You know the look people give when you are trying to convince them that he is typically really mild mannered... at home... when 16 strangers aren't kissing his face... and his daddy's actually coming home at night instead of sleeping at the nursing home and coming home only for a quick shower... Well, I got that, "I'm sure" look!

The second batch, at 8 months, came in as a 4-some from hell across the top! I thought I was near suicide. It was horrible. A random lady asked me if she could hold him for me. I gladly handed him over but she returned her purchase pretty quickly. The same day, I made Lance pull the car over so I could get out for a minute because we had 3 options: I could cuss and scream at the top of my lungs... I could fling myself into oncoming traffic... or he could give me a second to walk around aimlessly in a parking lot and cool off! He called me dramatic, but then let me do the last one... I looked like a transient!

Third batch (the 2 lower lateral incisors) weren't so bad... just a bit fussy with acidic stool and a blistered bottom, and a few restless nights.

Now these 2. Not as bad as the quad-o-terror, but still no fun. I do not know what to do with this child who will randomly look me in the face and scream at the top of his lungs. I want to pop his mouth. I feel like these outbursts of anger are like him talking back or something! I can't remember how long this stuff lasts but I am ready for those little boogers to pop through the gums and be gone! I want my sweet boy back!

P.S. I decided against the Motrin tonight... let's see how this goes!

Few side notes:
  • I have put The Biggest Loser (from DVR) on pause twice while typing this to get more cake. That seems so wrong. But man this is a tear jerker.
  • Lance taught Maddox how to give Eskimo kisses this week... It is SO CUTE!!
  • I still haven't heard back from the job that I have had 2 interviews for. I should call but I kind of don't want to. :(
  • Lance and I like to make up songs a lot and I secretly videoed Lance rapping to Maddox but he swore me to never share it. (actually he swore me to delete it... but I didn't.)
  • I love that Maddox is already ALL boy. He ALWAYS has a ball, a bat, or a golf club in his hands at all times. I love that.
  • We are going shopping with Papa Tony in the morning! Circus in 2 weeks with Gigi, Pop, and Weeder's family!! Family pics in 3 weeks!!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Getting started...

I expect this one to be a little rough around the edges... Give me time, I should get better!
Since I haven't "blogged" since Maddox was 2 months old, I really don't know where to start. I have missed talking about his first time to roll over, crawl, pull up, and then cruise. I missed blogging about him getting his top 4 teeth at once and how I made Lance pull the car over because if I heard him scream another hour I was going to fling myself into oncoming traffic! I missed talking about his first birthday party that I put my blood, sweat and tears into and how he took his first 2 steps on his birthday. I missed getting to blog about the day he started walking and when we realized it had progressed to the run.... So I can't think of a milestone to gush about right now...

I guess I'll write about my hubby. Life. and Love. ...Since this is fresh on my mind!
Our life is FAR from where we planned it to be at this point in our lives. There are days that we get wrapped up in the day to day stress that we carry and forget to look at the big picture...
Last night he came to bed and I could tell something was up. He is at a funeral today for a guy he went to fire academy with. A man who cancer took his life quickly and he is leaving behind a wife and 4 young boys. This is the 2nd person to pass away from their group and so one of the reasons he is upset is because this guy is a father and it hits home a little more and another reason is because he is superstitious and he thinks these type of things always come in 3s.
I think his anxiety was increased after he got off of the phone with his sister who had just been to the viewing for the 4 year old boy in Bridgeport. Occasionally something like this will slap Lance in the face and he will make promises to be healthier and what not.
This was the same thing last night.
He wanted to talk about how I would take care of Maddox if something happened to him, though twisted, I am kind of use to this. It wasn't a month ago that Lance had me tell him who I would have for his Pallbearers if something were to happen to him. As I type this I do think it is a little crazy... but because I know my husband better than anyone else on this earth, I know it is just his way of checking the locks for the 16th time and driving back to make sure the garage door went all of the way down. He NEEDS to be prepared!
We talked until almost 2:00am about life, death, faith and love.
We cried about how much we love Maddox and how scary it is to love something that much.
We laughed at the seriousness of his words when he said, "Maddox is going to be good at golf" in normal conversation without even thinking. He went on to tell me that Maddox already has great form and holds his hands perfect every time. (let me tell you that Maddox's golf club is a fat, red, Fisher Price club, less than 2' long!!) and then pitifully said, "but he's right handed..." and then did a face of not being satisfied! He's 14 months old Babe!!
Nights like these make all of the bad times worth your while. When your husband tells you how much he loves you and why he picked you to be his life-long partner... and when you know he doesn't have an alterior motive in doing so!! I think love is like a roller coaster... it is the lows that make the highs so much better. And looking at the monitor, to our perfect jewel that is 1/2 me and 1/2 him, who loves us both more than we probably deserve... makes this economy crap just dust in the wind.
Keep us in your prayers... and by that, Pray for natural disaster please! (He is a catosrophic insurance adjuster, you know!)

Sunday, October 4, 2009

September 17, 2008

(copy/paste from myspace)

call me a hypocrite...

Maddox has his appointment this Thursday for his 2 month check up. As you know, I am a pediatric nurse. I receive my paycheck for loving on babies, well and sick. I hold back hair for vomiting kiddos, I hold the hands of postpartum moms, I reassure new dads over the phone… this is what I do.
I chose to be an office nurse rather than work in the hospital because of this alone. I love to watch a worried dad, help his "crazy" wife turn their jaundiced preemie into a fat butter ball. I enjoy seeing a newborn change so quickly into a toddler and reach each milestone… and eventually know me too, as Nurse Holly—as they run, and play and talk! I gave up a lot of the excitement and the nursing skills that go along with working in the hospital by taking this job. I do blood pressures, hearing and vision tests, I irrigate ears, I give updrafts, I do urine catheterizations, and minimal lab draws. I splint arms, and dress wounds and bla bla bla-- nothing wild!
The one thing I do… or did… over and over… every single day… was immunize our kiddos. I listened to worried moms (usually the granola-type moms) hold vaccines or put their kids on an alternate vaccine schedules. I always asked why, to see if they truly had reasons and had done research to back it up or if they were just jumping on the bandwagon like the grapefruit diet.
I thought these moms were a little crazy until that episode of Oprah with Jenny McCarthy. It happened to air on my half day and I sat here in front of my TV and cried. Even she said that there is no evidence linking immunizations to autism, her push was that you should always follow your "mommy instinct", if something doesn't feel right- don't do it.
I showed up at work the next morning—crying. How many moms had I rolled my eyes at for her choice to hold vaccines? What if one day there is evidence linking the two… Then how many kiddos have I "administered" autism to? Every doctor in the building was throwing studies at me to read. I LOVE every single doctor I work for but one even told me that I might want to look for another job because I needed to wholeheartedly believe in what I am doing.
I know the studies. (and I knew them before all 6 doctors gave me crap to read.) These "autism from vaccines" people claim that it is from thimerisol (a mercury derivative) found in vaccines. They all say that the MMR vaccine is the bad one. HOWEVER, there is no thimerisol in the MMR vaccine. It is a live vaccine that you mix right before you give it. The only thing my office gives that has thimerisol in it is the flu vaccine… with TRACE amounts. There is more mercury in fish than in the vaccine.
I am not discouraging vaccines in any way. Honestly, I belive those who don't vaccinate their children are irresponsible to society. They are hoping that the rest of the world WILL immunize their children so that they don't have the risk for theirs.
I have thought a lot about this autism thing. I think one of the reasons that the numbers are SOOO much higher now than what they have been in the past is definitely the umbrella use of the title. There are so many different spectrums of autism. Kids with a speech delays are thrown in with children with idiosyncratic social skills, such as Asperger Syndrome.
I have to believe in what I do… I have no evidence to believe otherwise. So I made up my own reason! …With no research at all!
(I am a hypocrite, you see?!) I think that eventually the food we eat will be linked to the diagnosis? The only reason I think that is because so much of these kid's symptoms are minimized by just dietary changes. Think about the hormones and antibiotics in our meat that have already been linked to things such as premature puberty in girls.
Sooooo I pay over $200 each month for a freezer full of organic meat and veggies. This was my conclusion to protect my son. (I have never been accused of not being a little crazy!) We had a company come out while I was pregnant and give us their spill… and needless to say it didn't take much to sell me. And the way I look at it, I already spent the money each month at the grocery store, and this is much better quality and much better for us also. We buy organic milk too, it is more expensive but it lasts much longer. Anywho, this has held me over… until now.
I have a baby due for SIX immunizations in 2 days. A baby boy. (Autism is much higher in boys)
Jenny McCarthy—I am listening to my mommy voice. I am going to march my hypocritical, educated-- but no evidence of linking the 2, licensed nurse bottom in there and say six is way too much for the immature immune system of my two month old baby boy.
And I am scared.
I am sure I will be mocked… but who cares. I am definitely going to vaccinate my baby. It is important, and I believe that. But I have the choice to split it up… and I will. ...Two at a time until his shot record looks like all the rest.
I am the mommy!

September 15, 2008

(copy/ paste from myspace)

Maddox is now TWO MONTHS OLD and my life is fabulous! …Going by faster than the speed of light, but simply amazing! I wonder if this is the new me but the pessimist in me says this euphoria is going to crash down at some point.

I feel loved more now than I ever have. Lance tells me he loves me on average about 36 times a day… no kidding. But this little boy, who's only words are coos, tells me much more than that in just the way he looks at me.

I was talking to Lance the other night and asked, when people say; "this is the life" are they talking about mine right now?

I am definitely not bragging in any way when I say my life is fan-friggin-tastic because I have the same issues as everyone else. I do have a cute little house, but it is little. I have a brand new Tahoe, but it isn't top of the line. I have more clothes than I need, but a lot came from Target too. We aren't scraping for money but we have to be more cautious than ever with just one income. I have AMAZING friends, but I don't talk to them as much as I would like to. I am so close to my family, but sometimes they drive me crazy. My baby is the happiest little thing that I have ever seen, but he has had days that we cry together. I have the greatest husband in the world, but I have thought about packing him a suitcase and sending him on his way, at times!

Some might think this comes from us living "beyond our means" (as my parents think our generation does!) and I would agree I am pretty spoiled as a wife; I can not think of anything I have ever asked for that Lance didn't find a way to get for me… but I am pretty simple also—I really don't ask for much. What I am saying is if I had nothing… if I was poor as dirt, lived in a trailer house, wore clothes from Good Will, and bought groceries at Fiesta Food Stores, I think I would still be happily living on this cloud. Maddox is greater than ANYTHING I have ever done in my life, and there is nothing material that could bring me this feeling.

(…and hey, I am not knocking the trailer house! Find me 10 acres or so back towards home, and I'll set a trailer house on it lickity-split. I want land… bad!)

It is just that now, I understand what matters: MY FAMILY. Lance, Holly, and Maddox… and everything else is just a bonus!

So am I pessimist minded since I can't help but think that this will end soon? ...That sometimes I don't enjoy my happiness because I feel guilty or am scared that if I truly enjoy it, it'll be goon quicker?! I can't help but wonder if I am living on a high of breastfeeding and prenatal vitamins or if I have finally realized to focus only on the positive in my life, and this is the new me?! I wonder if baby 2 bring this much joy one day or is this "1st baby syndrome"?

For now, I am going to say who cares, and continue to live in the moment… you would too if you were holding this butter ball right now, watching him suck on nothing while he sleeps. And I'll ignore the crudy parts of my day like when I don't get a thing done, or realize my shoulder's covered in spit up but I have already left the house and have nothing to change into or face the reality that Maddox pooped up his back and ruined another $30+ Raulph Lauren onesie that he has only wore twice!

I thought preganacy was the best I have experienced but mommyhood gives it a run for its money!

August 25, 2008

(copy/paste from myspace)

Here is an update on the first 6 weeks:

We ARE still nursing and it is going well-- so well, in fact, that our little chunk-of-love has gained almost THREE pounds already!!! He was 11lb 4oz last week. I am 95% breastfeeding but I am not crazy anymore about formula. I'll give him a little here and there. Like yesterday at the mall he ate twice... one feeding I nursed in the food court him while a nasty old man stared me down and the other I gave him a bottle. No I take that back… 3 times. I nursed him in Dillard's dressing room too. He never gets more than one bottle in a day-- and it is only if we are out and about or if he is having a growth spurt and I can't keep up one of his feedings.... but this 3 pounds goes to mommy not a bottle here and there.

For the most part Maddox is awesome. He cries when he is hungry or when he needs to burp and occasionally when he is dirty… but other than that he smiles and coos. He has even started laughing now! But he only does it when he is going to sleep. I wish so bad I knew what was so funny. I would do it over and over because he has the cutest laugh. I mean, what could he possibly be dreaming about? What does he even know at 6 weeks? Mommy. Daddy. Ceiling fan. Boob. Whatever it is, I love to hear him chuckle!

It is in those things where I can not wait to do this again… and then we have a bad day like today and reality sets in!

We are keeping my 2 year old niece, Ellie, tonight to give my brother and Randi a break. Their newborn, Gunner is 5 days old now and is having a horrible time with his bilirubin. He also has his days and nights all mixed up. Randi, who is never emotional or a worry wart, is beginning to get overwhelmed. Those first 2 weeks suck. You feel like you are living someone else's life—or at least I did! She is sleep deprived and is having to keep him under the lights all day and she needed a break. Not from Ellie—who is a very good 2 year old, just for some rest!

Well, I met my brother at Wal-Mart because I had to do some grocery shopping too but Sundays are horrible at Wal-Mart. My mom met me there to help but she had to leave because she had to meet with their builder. That would've been fine except Maddox decided he needed to eat just as we were checking out-- I nursed and him and he kept screaming...I burped him... still unhappy… I changed his diaper... still screaming, I made him a bottle... but he continued to scream. So I decided to drive on home with Ellie telling him, "Hey, NO"... over and over... even she was frustrated! I got home-- unloaded a 2 year old and 6 week old to find that Lance left the utility room door open and Macy had dug in the trash and found a chocolate donut-- you see Lance didn't go to WM with me because he had to stay home to work but he ended up getting lunch and going to the neighbor's house. He had not done a dang thing to the house, trash was all over the utility room, Macy was full of lethal chocolate and Maddox was STILL screaming-- for over an hour now... I had spent $200 at the grocery store on side things—we have a deep freeze full of organic meat and veggies-- I had intentions of a good meal but we ended up eating sandwiches tonight! And we had to make Macy throw up AGAIN... while the groceries stayed in bags and the cold stuff went hot. YAY.

Moral of the story: I'll wait a bit before we do this again. Ellie is great but I can see why another set of tiny hands just adds to the anxiety. When I get the baby itch, I'll go get a niece or nephew and see how 2 are so different from 1. GREAT BIRTH CONTROL.

But days like this are far and few between. He even has a schedule at night now... We feed around 10:00 or 11:00 at night and he sleeps until 3:30 or 4:00. Then sleeps after that feeding for another 4 or 5 hours! Can't beat it! I even have even found a way to cheat the system a bit... he starts squirming at about 3:00 or so and I get up and pump and then I feed him pumped milk at that feeding from the bottle! Too many nights I kept falling asleep while nursing him and this way I have to wake up and get out of bed but the whole process takes maybe 30 minutes rather than an hour. Last night Maddox ate at 9:30 and didn't wake up until 4:00 then didn't wake up until 9:45 for the next feeding-- Sounds great but OMG I was engorged both times—which is painful!

Well it is midnight and I better get to sleep because even though this little guy may sleep until 9:45... the Ellie belly will be up and excited come 7:30, I am sure! She is at a fun age and it is funny how she gets super excited about Maddox and Gunner-- sometimes I think she thinks they are the same baby! We like to say she looks like an excited deer in headlights when she sees them.

July 25, 2008

(copy/paste from myspace)

I worried a lot before I had him about the depressing part that follows delivery. Honestly, it hasn't been bad. (and maybe it isn't suppose to start yet?) I do get weepy every night as the sun goes down but it isn't like being depressed, it is more like being homesick. You know that feeling you had as you crawled into your bunk at church camp and you just wanted to go home? It is like that except I am home! Lance jokes that he is going to rent some big lights to shine over the house so I won't know when the sun is setting! I think it is because pregnancy was a gradual process and having him here is 100% full force. But we are managing! Other than bed time—I am usually beaming with joy over this doodle bug that is finally here! I love him ridiculously!

As for our health:

The boodie-bear's ring fell off his tee-tee and his cord is soon to follow. Then he can have a full bath-- yay!! Breastfeeding was a little difficult at first and my mom tried to talk me into quitting because she thought it would bring down my blood pressure but it is something that means a lot to me and we can do it! Thankfully I hung in there because he is nursing a lot better now. Mainly since I found the greatest invention ever—the nipple shield! I was battered and blistered and bleeding and would dread his next feeding but this thin piece of silicone has taken away 90% of the pain that came with him latching on! And as of his appointment last Monday he had already gained one ounce!! That is awesome for a breastfed baby. They typically lose 5-8% before they begin to gain! Monday he has his 2 week appointment and I can't wait to see how much he weighs now.

As for me:

My blood pressure is still way out of whack. I had to go back to my doctor on Monday because it wouldn't stabilize. I was put on a blood pressure medication, and then they had to double it Wednesday because we saw no change. They tripled the medication yesterday because it is still so high and I go back again Monday to talk with Dr. Deem and maybe she'll just change it to a whole different drug all together. For whatever reason, it shoots off the charts when people come over to visit so I have to sit here all hermit-ed up or else it goes buzzerks! Lance and I make conscious efforts to stay away from things that elevate it (since they have freaked us out about strokes and seizures) but sometimes nothing at all shoots it up? I hope that gets regulated… it is starting to make me crazy.

As for my help:

Lance has been great, on soooo many different levels. I don't know how women do it as single moms. I could not be this sane without my husband here. I don't even know how women deal with their husbands going back to work. I am so lucky Lance works from home! We have a system down that works well. I feed and he burps as I get the one side put away and the other side ready again. Maddox's feedings take about one hour from beginning to end and he typically stays awake an hour or so after his 9 o'clock-ish feeding. Lance usually rocks him back to sleep and I go on to bed. I couldn't ask for better support between Lance and my mom. Both have been amazing.

Well I say that….

I lost my mom to my sister this week. To add another stressor, my sister rolled my mom's Tahoe late Sunday night/ early Monday morning with 4 other kids in the car. Two girls were ejected but everyone, over-all, was "okay"… both of girls were released from the hospital the same day. My sister is bruised and sore and has a terrible neck ache but has no traumatic injuries. This wreck has brought a lot of things to the attention of me and my brother which has caused us to question a lot of people—my sister, my parents, and even ourselves. My brother went to the wreck and said after looking at the car, there really should have been fatalities. We pray that they understand the seriousness of this since so many kids lose their lives in car wrecks EVERY year in Paradise.

Speaking of Tahoes…

I got a new car a few days before we had Maddox and still have not drove it! I drove it ½ way home from the dealership and that is all. It is big and I am small and Ma-max is much smaller than that and I am scared of it I think! Silly, I know!

As for our activities:

We have tried not let our little Maddox hold us back. Lance still played his Sunday golf this week and my mom and I made a small shopping trip. I even mastered shopping and nursing at the same time while staying covered up to boot!! We have taken him to 6 different restaurants already in these past 2 weeks and he has done well. Me, I don't do quite as well because I feel like my life rolls around a 3 hour clock and I sit anxious that at any minute he is going to wake up hungry and my meal will be over. But I am working on it! …Give me time. We are even supposed to go on vacation next Friday with my parents but we will have to see?!

On an exciting note…

As of my appointment on Monday, (4 days post delivery) I only had 8 pounds to loose to get back to pre-Maddox weight. I am anxious to see where I am this coming up Monday… Maybe I won't have to learn how to work out after all—let's face it, I'm not very athletic!

As for life's lessons:

In these two weeks I have realized that there is so much more to love. I never would have thought that I could love my husband even more than I already did… but I do. It is a different love—seeing him as a daddy is the greatest yet. And as for the love I already have for Maddox… It is difficult to articulate—it is way bigger than that. It is in every small thing… like when he is screaming and my mom and Lance have put in good effort to calm him but then I put my lips to his and say shhhhh real soft… and it works! He quiets and looks at me—at 2 weeks old he knows I am his mommy! It is when I really should lay him down to rest but I would rather hold him and stare at him because I know this baby will soon be a boy and I don't want to miss a single moment of him. It is watching the DVD of pictures to music that my brother-in-law, Ryan made over and over even though I have them memorized at this point because I simply do not want to ever forget all of the special moments that filled our day. It is the worry I have every time I put him to sleep and pray that God holds him through the night for my fear of SIDS overwhelms me at times. And it is those times when Lance reminds me about faith that I can close my eyes and sleep. This new love seems bigger than me but is amazing! I was reading in one of my books what another mom wrote:

"…its checking on him every 5 minutes in his crib making sure he is still breathing. It is the need to protect him at all costs, and knowing that you simply can't. It's the overwhelming sadness that someday he'll walk out the door and you won't be there to save him from life's cruelties—the hurt and grief and pain from which you can't even protect yourself. It is trying to memorize every pout, each gentle sigh, how he holds his tiny hands in front of his face in such complete awe, the way he looks at you and smiles and burrows his head into your shoulder to sleep. It's knowing with a kind of bittersweet ache that these moments are as fleeting as snowflakes on his little cheek. It's knowing that for the first time in you life you simply don't care about you, that nothing is more important than his health and happiness. It's knowing that you would give your own life, never to see or hold him again, if it could guarantee his own. It's knowing, finally, the meaning of true love, and fearing that it will be taken from you. I once said that having my child was the hardest thing I would ever do, but now I understand I was wrong. Loving him is."

July 24, 2008

(copy/paste from myspace)

It became pretty obvious our little boy was not going to arrive into this world without the help of some drugs! However, making it to Thursday seemed like FOREVER! (Especially since I had pains all week but none of them were effective enough to throw me into labor.)

So Wednesday night, Lance and I rechecked our bags that had been packed for a month, found the cords for the DVD recorder, charged the batteries to the camera, rechecked the car seat once again, made a checklist for the morning and put our cell phones on the charger. We had to leave our house at 3:15 am to make it to our induction time at 4:00 and we did not want to be putting things together in the morning.

I had plans for us to take Tylenol PM (per Dr Deem's okay) around 6:00 Wednesday night and hopefully be out by 7:00. But of course I found 87 more things to do and clean instead. My mom and sister and her friend came to stay the night too and they didn't show up until after 9:30 so my plans didn't really work. Once we finally went to bed and got to sleep (midnight-ish), Lance's phone rang around 12:45. It was his dad who was too anxious to sleep and assumed probably were too. Sweet… But then we had to start the whole process again of getting back into dream land again. And 2:30 came early.

Of course I got up and took a shower; I even dressed cute even though I had to change into a gown 4 seconds after we arrived. And I put my makeup on.

We loaded into the Tahoe and lance said, "Someone already called your phone wishing us luck"… I said "who?" I mean it was 3:15 in the morning and I HOPE his dad had finally gone to sleep by now! So I checked my voice mail and it was the hospital, "We are going to have to cancel you today… we have too many here in active labor now… please call back later to reschedule…" NO. no. NO! There is no such thing as rescheduling at this point. I am SIX DAYS past my due date. I have only slept a couple of hours. I have prepared for this to be THE day. I AM NOT RESCHEDULING!!

So I called them and lied and said we were almost there and live an hour away and didn't know if we had to turn around or what?! They said to head on and they would reschedule the induction scheduled after me but I would have to wait once I checked in.

Lance and I had to drive about 85 mph to make up for my lied time but we didn't have to wait at all. We were put right into our room and started filling out all of our paper work. My nurse also put in my dreaded IV. (I worried way more about getting my first IV then I did pushing an 8 ½ pound child out of a 10cm hole in my private part. And I wish I could say it wasn't that bad but it was. It was bad. And I hated it.)

They started running me some fluids and around 6:30 and then she started my Pitocin. They increased it after about 15 minutes but I still couldn't feel my contractions. At this point I thought, "Oh- labor isn't so bad."

Then after another 20-30 minutes of that, they came in and stopped my medication, and said they had to CANCEL ME AGAIN!!! They just had 3 women walk in, in active labor and they didn't have enough man power to handle the L&D today. So here we go again… I felt like begging at this point, "Please let me stay!!" But they did. They had to! 1. Because my body kept contracting even after they stopped my Pitocin drip. And 2. because Dr. Deem came in and broke my water even though the nurse wasn't too happy about it—there was no sending me home now… I'm in like Flynn!

For a while anyway.

Right until the REAL contractions started. Oh my Lordy. I thought I couldn't do it another contraction. But I did… over and over and over again while my nurse SLOWLY went and got me some pain medicine, Stadol. (It felt like forever.) I tried to tell her I had never had any pain medicine stronger than Tylenol but I was asleep before I even finished my sentence! For 30 minutes I slept better than I have in my life. But at the end of that 30 minute period I woke up in a blaze of glory! I was hurting again… but worse. It was the craziest drug. I would sleep for 60 seconds, then wake up and feel every bit of my 90 second contraction and then go straight back to sleep again as soon as my contraction ended.

All I know is that it felt like I was in constant, horrible pain since I was sleeping in between contractions. And every time I would wake up I was hurting, and the monitor was out of paper and was squealing in my ear, and Lance was text messaging. I was telling myself… don't yell at him, don't yell at him… but my mom said I was looking at him like the devil every time I would wake up!

And that is when I wanted my epidural. Yesterday. And all I kept getting was, "10 more minutes and he'll be here." That kept me okay for about 4 contractions but then I started telling Lance to go find him. He was trying to convince me that the anesthesiologist was on his way but that wasn't good enough. I told him to stand in the hall way so he knew we needed him now. I'm not sure what Lance did but my doctor finally came! He happened to be about 8 foot tall wearing about 8" thick glasses. (FYI: I tried to talk the doctor I work for into setting me up a MRI to check the length of my spinal cord about a month before to make sure it wasn't abnormally long and could be hit and paralyze me and now I am stuck with a man who is blind!) Not only that but he talked slower than anyone I have ever spoke to in my life. Lance said he was getting nervous for the guy and started thinking, "speed it up dude, or she's about to loose it on you!"

But thank God for the Stadol because they usually try to insert it during a contraction so you don't feel it but he could shoot at anytime with me because when I wasn't contracting I was snoring so I didn't even know it happened. It was over. My pain was gone. And I was in love with the man I had cussed just a few minutes earlier!

Life was so good at that point. I woke up to talk occasionally. But mostly I slept.

Until it was time to push!

I could still move my feet with the epidural. And I could still feel some pressure but it didn't hurt.

Dr. Deem got me into position and I started pushing. I pushed and pushed. And then was told to stop. --"we'll just to give him a little break."

Dr Deem and my nurse Amy were trying to play things cool but I could tell something was wrong. I am not an L&D nurse but I did about triple the rotations through that department in nursing school because I loved the area. I also was there during the delivery with my cousin Amber and her baby Kyleigh at this same hospital. Typically there is your doctor, your nurse, your baby's nurse and whoever you have chosen to be in there with you in the room. But all of the sudden my room was being bombarded with a million people. I was crying begging them to tell me why she had to page the respiratory team and why the anesthesiologist was back in my room, and who the other 87 people were but she kept trying to tell me that they always have this many people. LIARS!! Then she was winking at the nursery nurse telling her to page Dr. Guthrie and Dr. Hayward because they would be so excited that he was finally here. Again, I was getting pissed… Does she not realize I take the pages when there is a crashing baby? I understand that they were trying to keep my stress level down but they should've realized I am a control freak and HAVE to know EXACTLY what is going on.

After putting me on oxygen she told me that I could start pushing again. I had a mirror so I could see the process and at this point I made up my mind that the quicker I got him here the sooner I could see what was wrong myself.

And there he came. Blue as could be. Evidentially, I had a contraction that last 4 minutes and cut off his oxygen supply. He also had the cord around his little neck twice.

Prior to pushing Dr. Deem asked Lance if he was going to cut the cord and he said yes but he didn't get to because things were moving so fast. She cut the cord and handed him to respiratory who started bagging our little man and got him crying.

I was hysterical as you can imagine. I was bawling like I have never cried because more than anything I wanted off of that table and over to my little boy to do whatever I could (probably nothing) to help out the situation. I kept asking for his Apgar and no one would tell me. That was because it was 5! A FIVE?!?! It quickly changed to a 9 so he perked up rather quickly. And I was finally able to hold my precious angel.

This is the part on the video tape that I can't watch. It is pathetic. I am wailing out loud and then I promise him that I won't always be that crazy. –I lied.

From then on, the roller coaster of emotions didn't stop. I can not remember a time in my life that I was so happy but cried so much! I cried when everyone passed my baby around even though I made them all sanitize before they held him. I called the nursery one night and asked the nurse if he was crying because I could hear him through the phone. I cried when they told me that if I sent him to the nursery and he cried that they would give him a pacifier or formula. I am solely breastfeeding. Nipple confusion is real and you should stay away from those things until you are sure he has the latching and sucking part down. I cried watching Lance cry. I cried when we had to stay another day because my blood pressure was so high. I cried the next day when we were told again that we would have to stay for the same reason but don't worry that I cried also when he said that we could go home Saturday evening!

Lance and I cried our entire drive home and I cussed at a few cars that drove to close too us.
During my hard contractions I remember asking Lance why some people have 5 and 6 kids because I didn't think I could ever do this again… but the very same night I told him I already missed being pregnant and would do it again and again… It is crazy how that all works out!

July 7, 2008

(copy/paste from myspace)

This past week has been un-freak'n real! Not to throw a pity party—but here's your invite! I warn you… Debby Downer is in the house!

Part one of my piss-poor week:

I was severely depressed at the beginning of the week. One, because I was still pregnant and two, because everyone I talked to acted as if I was PAST my due date AND still pregnant. But at this point, I still had a week left of growing a full term healthy boy so why was everyone acting as if I sucked? "You are STILL pregnant"… and the answer was "Yes, I am. I am STILL pregnant—And I am not even due yet." What makes it crazy is that I have loved being pregnant. But when everyone you talk to puts the negative connotation on the fact that you are still with-child it tends to get old and depressing.


This depression was only increased when I developed pain like I have never experienced before from my bottom! It hurt to walk, it hurt to lie down and it definitely hurt to sit. So I stayed in bed for two days straight and cried. I felt like Macy Dog was a kid off of the show Intervention or something, "my mom just lays in bed all day and cries while my dad does all of the house work." Things got somewhat better when Dr. Deem called me in some prescriptions to help me out. I say "somewhat" only because I had the breakdown of the year in Wal-Mart. I had got myself together enough to get ready and sit on my bleeding butt for the 15 minute drive to pick up the prescriptions. I get there, waddle to the pharmacy in obvious pain and of course they can't find it. I am then beyond humiliated when I had to tell a boy younger than I was what the medication was used for in front of 4 other customers! I buried my head in Lance's chest and sobbed out loud! I hit rock bottom. My husband told the boy I needed it for my "rear-end" and he gave us the damn medicine. Thankfully, it helped a lot!

Part 3:

As I have said before, I know a ridiculous number of pregnant girls… or at least I used to. That is until half of them had their babies last week! Also as I have said before, I am a worry-wart when it comes to my baby. I need things to go by the book… Maddox, on the other hand, does not seem to be a by the book baby!

My cousin, Dallas, FINALLY had her baby. (Almost 2 weeks past her due date) Her doctor would not induce her, well, he tried Cervadil once and was going to have her come back and try it AGAIN but her water finally broke on its own. He told her that Pitocin could rupture her placenta with her first baby and he wouldn't do it. So now I am thinking… Oh, Lord have mercy— HE IS LATE-- Run some Pit for Heaven's sake. The possibility of death during child birth HAS to be higher than an exploding uterus—since about 80% of women are induced these days. And now I sound like the crazy horse in the family because they all worry about the effects of Pitocin on your body while I am wondering if I can get some at the local feed store and get a bag dripping at home! I want him here, and I'm okay chancing the explosion!!!

And on the other side of that: One of the girls that I work with was not due for a month after me and had her baby last week. Every time she would have an appointment it was almost like a competition to let me know where her progression of pregnancy lay against mine. I would think—I guess it is just the difference of me being a nurse because I would be worried if I was already having these symptoms. But no one seemed to be worried about a premature baby, just more worried that A. someone may not have told me yet, so they TOO should call and let me know and B. that I was STILL pregnant?!

And this process repeated itself again and again last week when four girls that I know had their babies and only ONE was due before me!

Part 4:

I didn't feel like talking on the phone at all. So I didn't. That ended up turning me into witch of the year. No one can think of it as… she probably doesn't feel like talking. Instead, once I finally answer those who won't give up and yet won't call my husband who WILL answer his phone, I get, "well I'm glad you answered" (to reiterate how rude I am) and then "anything yet?" (like we have a baby conspiracy going on THEY haven't been told) and of course, "you know to call me if something happens" (because they haven't told us time and time again) …And the cake topper—my dad, who hasn't called me but 2 times my ENTIRE pregnancy (one of which was on my birthday- so we can call that one a wash) called my brother after I didn't answer to say that he has called me multiple times and guesses that "I am just mad at them"—no, I am not mad. And no—this is NOT about you, it is me who is STILL pregnant, remember?! And I simply do not want to talk on the phone.

Part 5:

Our LAST appointment! Last week Dr. Deem said we came "leaps and bounds" and she didn't expect to see us for our Thursday appointment the following week. This week, at our Thursday appointment, we had to discuss induction because we had NO CHANGE AT ALL in seven days. What sucks the most about that is I have had quite a bit of pains—and even some bleeding but obviously nothing my body is doing is productive. And to suck things up a little more, my baby was approximately 8 pounds a week ago and we have to give him another week to come on his own—at ½-1 oz weight gain for14 days, he is liable to get oftly large! I mean, there is a possibility that I am going to deliver a mini-horse! Once Dr. Deem left our room I stayed in our exam room crying while Lance held me, once again, and assured me it was going to be okay. At least we have an end date- No later than Thursday we will have our boy!

Part 6:

Lance and I talked after leaving our appointment. I am not going to say I didn't still do some crying but we decided to have a new outlook on things. We decided that we would enjoy this just-me-and-him time to the most until Maddox comes. I am off work. Lance works from home. We get to laugh all day while he is being paid. I get to be with my best friend during the most crazy/ exciting/ scary/ overwhelming/ emotional/ amazing time of our lives and we know that no one else in this world is as pumped as we are right now. We decided to go to dinner and talk. And be happy. And be positive.

Part 6 doesn't seem so piss-poor, huh? Sorry to deceive you!

We made it home around 10:30.. to find my 3 pound yorkie that I love ridiculously, fat as a tick. I also found Lance's king size Hershey bar wrapper ripped to shreds! Apparently there is a chemical in chocolate that can kill a dog if too much gets into their digestive tract, and the risk is greater the smaller they are. Yay! So my good spirits were killed rather quickly when I had to induce vomiting so that Macy wouldn't die. She threw up over and over again… I had no idea she could hold that much chocolate! Lance, again, held both of us as she felt like poo and I cried unable to watch her feel like poo!

Part 7:

Fourth of July came… and Fourth of July went. My brother came out with his family. My parents came out also. Even Zack stopped by for a few hours to hang out. We made some snack food, we went and watched a firework show but Maddox missed out on all of it. He would rather hang out in my belly.

Part 8:

Lance and my step dad play golf on Sundays. Since we aren't showing any signs of labor, this Sunday was no exception. My mom and I decided to go to the pool and lay out in stead of hanging out here in our house. I thought the worse that could happen is that I would get dehydrated and need IV fluids run. And how bad is that? Just piggy back some Pitocin into the mix and we'll get this show on the road! I did not get dehydrated but I did, however get embarrassed! Let me give you some insight on my swimsuit situation: I didn't see any point in spending $75 on a maternity swimsuit that I would wear for a month, especially when I am probably going to have to spend $100 on a one- piece after he is born until things get back in shape. So I let my belly hang out! And my boobs for that matter! My mom and I didn't decide to even go to the pool until I had just taken a shower so I had no make up on and my hair was wadded in a wet bun beneath a baseball hat! I looked hot! Typically, I could care less who thinks it is a little trashy but typically I don't lay out next to Lance's ex girlfriend all day! I hope to God she didn't recognize me, (it was 6 years ago) but I did her so I am sure things were mutual. Stab me with an ice pick and tell your friends Lance married a skank! Wait, let me add the fact that I was reading "Chicken Soup for the New Mom's soul" and had tears rolling out the sides of my sunglasses—just to reiterate how pathetic I must have looked!

Here we are now, entering a new week. Despite my week of crap, I am excited to spend my last week with my husband alone! This week is going to be good! Next week… when I am sleep deprived, with a sore cha- cha, ta-tas and a crying baby, things may be back on the down hill slide. But for now, I am going to approach things with an up beat spirit. And worse case scenario: I am going to kiss the face of the most handsome boy in the world in just THREE days!

PS. Lance and I bought a brand new Tahoe Saturday! We sold my Honda and were right side up enough to pay off my credit card debt! So yay… we are more debt free as of today and I officially drive a mommy car!

June 27, 2008

(copy/paste from myspace)

So yesterday we went to our weekly appointment, where we got our final sonogram too, so as we always get excited for our Dr.Deem time, we were pumped for this one!

I pissed the sonographer off right at the get-go because I asked her to make sure Mr. Maddox still had a penis. She said, "thanks for your confidence in me... but there's a penis and a set of testicles, so I hope it is a boy... now back to the important business..." But whatever? Mad or not, I felt better since I know a girl who was told 2 separate times she was having a boy... until her pregnancy turned high risk and she started getting sonograms at every appointment and now she is scheduled for her induction for her little GIRL next week!

But our sono... he was precious. Maddox was rubbing his little eyes and puckering his lips in and out if he was giving kisses (I do the same thing when I sleep but I think he has Lance's lips-- all fluffy and sweet...) And the tears started to flow! Our boy will be here in NO TIME, this is real!!! I looked over at Lance expecting him to be looking at me the way he does when I cry for no reason but instead he was teary eyed too... which just made the tears flow faster! We were both so excited! Maddox's heart looked great... his head looked great... but he was measuring 7 pounds and 14 ounces... 2 ounces shy of EIGHT POUNDS! and he should be gaining 1/2 - 1oz every day until he delivers! AHHH!!!

And from then on... I was a basket-case! We had to return to the waiting room to wait for our appointment with Dr. Deem. I saw the sonographer call back the next couple (who looked about 30 and had another older lady with them-- that I assumed was her mom) and I looked at Lance and started tearing up again. I said, "They get to find out what they are having today... Don't you remember how excited we were" I mean, I made it up but my clues seemed to fit?! I also got to talk to another lady who sat down next to us and is also due on July 4th-- but this is her second baby (a girl) and she was already having contractions so I am sure she will get to push before me. Which makes me crazy... I keep meeting people due AFTER me who already have their babies now. UGH!! I also talked to a girl who sat down across from us with a 2 year old and put my foot deep within my throat when I asked her when she was due! (and she is not pregnant) But in my defense, she said she had to have an emergency c-section with her little girl and wanted to discuss with her doctor today the chances of it happening again. So, "wow, when are you due" didn't seem like a far fetched question but Lance wanted to slit his wrist, I know!

So when we got back into our room, Lance handed me hand full of tissues-- because he thought I would need them-- and I was offended! "I am fine!" And I was... for about 2 minutes. Then Dr. Deem started telling us that she just saw that You Tube video where that boy and his dad run marathons and eventually the Iron Man... but the son is in a wheelchair and the dad swims with him on his back (I saw the story on Oprah last year or something)-- she went on to tell me that I love my baby now but this power of love is huge and one day I would feel as if I would go to hell and back for my son... and in DAYS I would begin to experience that!

And then on to business: I was counting on the fact that; A: possibly we were short on amniotic fluid because I had heard they would induce for that! But no, you need to be at 5 to 20 and we were at 17.5-- the high side of things. B: I had lost weight at our last appointment (just one pound) and I did it again somehow, but 2 pounds this time so maybe that would be a reason to take him... but no, she wasn't too concerned with that either! 20 pounds total weight gain is good she says?! C: HIS weight. She said the sonogram could be off as much as 10%. (But EITHER WAY!!) So he could be closer to 7 pounds... or closer to EIGHT! Again, not concerning to her!

She did tell us that I had come leaps and bounds in one week. We are 90% effaced now and she could touch his head through my cervix! She acted as if we wouldn't go another week but we would set up an appointment for next week just in case. I hope she isn't just giving us false hope? Because the next thing she said was if we did make it to an appointment next week, we would set up an induction for the following week! So in our worse case scenario: we will have a baby boy IN OUR ARMS in 10 days or so!

After we left, we went shopping, and we walked and walked and walked! We bought our state-of-the-art monitor (lance picked it out) that has a 7" color LCD screen and also a sound thing that you can connect to your hip. I also went and got a pedicure (because I needed it AND I had heard that having your feet rubbed can throw you into labor), and we ate Mexican Inn for dinner-- I mean, we tried EVERYTHING... yes, ALL the myths!!

And, I did have a lot of blood yesterday and lower back pain and abdominal pain... gross, I know-- but it kept me hopeful! But.... no, NO baby. I am still here. At home... but only because the dang mexican food tore me up and I spent 45 minutes throwing my toenails up this morning and just decided to stay at home. Maternity leave started a day early! I should be excited... But I am not.

I want pain!

But as of today...

No pain.

No baby.

Stay posted!

June 11, 2008

(copy/paste from myspace)

I used to hear people coming in to interview our doctors for their prenatal appointments and they would typically be about where I am now in their pregnancy and they would ALWAYS say: "any day now... or I am ready for him/her to get here... or I am tired of being pregnant..." and I would always think-- you are so selfish... that baby will come when it is time...

Well I choose to retract those thoughts now!

I have LOVED every single part of being pregnant... even the bad times like when I would crave something fried, causing me to inevitably throw up... because during those times Lance held back my hair and washed my face with a wash cloth and gave me pity!... I have even loved (well not COMPLETELY minded) all 23 freak'n pounds I have gained because I got this round belly full of love out of it that rolls and kicks and loves his mommy (and yes, I know not all 23 pounds is in my belly but whatever!)... and I haven't even minded my rages of craziness causing me to climb on top of the kitchen cabinets (just last week) because I HAD to kill this damn fly and Lance wouldn't come out of the office to do it for me! Or when I pushed and scratched Lance because he wouldn't stop telling me that we were going to keep the baby's bath tub in the spare bathroom's bathtub like a psycho... Because it gave me a funny story to tell later...

But now I am getting impatient. I definitely would not want to put our baby's health at risk but I am a nurse and am well aware that he were to come tonight he would be a little small (almost 6 pounds she is guessing) but he would be out of the dark as far as any major health concerns. In TWO days I will be 37 weeks. After 37 weeks a baby is no longer even considered "premature".

Come on Maddox... work with me son!

Our entire pregnancy has flown by. It seems like it was a week ago when I told Lance we were pregnant and we held my flat little belly kind of awkwardly because it seemed there was no way we were breading life in there and cried happy tears to now where it looks like I ate a basketball whole and I waddle around work like a duck and want to cry tears because my calves and feet are fat. I mean one to the other, jet engine fast.

But now... these last 2 weeks... are... taking... FOR-EVER.

And the pessimist in me is getting crazy again. I can't imagine THAT moment. The moment that I have anticipated since I was a little girl. The actual moment where I look at him and I AM his mommy. I mean, I know I am his mommy now but when I can kiss his face and see every part of him and see if he is anything near what I picture him in my thoughts to look like. And I think I am even more excited to see Lance hold him and kiss him than I am for myself. I know I will be overjoyed and will have a happiness that I have never known but I get to feel him all day long and I talk to him or sing to him and love him ridiculously but Lance doesn't. He loves him but I think he really just loves me and the idea of him. I mean, he rubs on my belly at night while we watch tv and kisses it every morning before I leave for work and he talks to him every now and then (more lately as he tells him to hurry up and get here) but I know as emotional of a person that he is, this will be bigger and better than anything he and I have ever got to experience. And this moment will be ours.

But the pessimist: I heard on the radio this morning that there was a profit near Abilene or something in some cult who profitized the world was going to end today or tomorrow by nuclear warfare and my first thought was not... moron-- how do people get so screwed up... like normal Holly... No, I thought... well that's about perfect-- I never can see his face in my dreams and I have a hard time picturing the point where Lance and I are HIS parents... and this is why... damn nuclear warfare-- the world is going to end before I can be a mommy!


I am telling you-- time is standing still... and this is what idol time does to me!

Moral of my story: Those selfish: any-day-now, I-am-ready-for-him-to-get here, I-am-tired-of-being-pregnant women...are now me. So come on Maddox-- we are ready.

PS... If you happen to be a terrorist reading my myspace blog and were thinking about starting some kind of chemical war soon... can you give me another few months?... I really have to meet this boy first!

May 4, 2008

(copy/paste from myspace)

So, as I have said before, I have a ridiculous number of friends who are pregnant right now. Well, a very special one of those friends is Mandy Bain (Mayberry) who I have been friends with since the 1st grade. She is a month further than me and also having a little boy. (Kade)

Her shower was Saturday and I have been so excited about it. I bought a new dress and earrings just for her shower and had her gift monogrammed (because when you actually name your kid, you can do that!!) and bought her a book that made me sit in the middle of Target one day and cry huge elephant tears. Needless to say, I was excited.

That was until I had to potty while getting ready. And there it was. BLOOD. A very small amount but never the less, blood. I was on the phone with Ponce (who is a nurse, and a mom, and who is pregnant again) and I told her about it very calmly... but she said to page my doctor. Then I called Candace (another nurse, and mom of 2), who is always level headed for a second opinion and she agreed. So I paged Dr. Deem. In the 45 minutes it took for the on call doctor to call me back, my mind started racing. I called Lance at the gun show, who left and came straight home. I called my mom- who also, came straight over. And I called Wendy, my best friend, because that's what I do... I make everyone else worry too I guess. And then I sat with my feet straight in the air-- crying.

But like a good boy should... he moved constantly-- letting me know he was okay I think.

The doctor finally called and basically told us to wait it out. He said within the hour I would start cramping and bleeding heavier and I should go to the ER or it would stop. He told me to lay down, get my fat feet up and increase my water intake (because that is an OB/GYN's answer to everything) AND I PRAYED.

Well God is good. The bleeding stopped.

But I had to miss Mandy's shower.

I see 30+ wk babies in the office from time to time, so I know that if he were to come now that he could make it but we need him to "cook" a little longer. We would much rather have a 38-40wk baby!

But I think I will let my "always-overly-packed-and-prepared" husband pack the bags like he has been asking if we should do for the last few weeks!

If anything, this reminds us just how close we are to having our little man here in our arms. The end is near!

February 12, 2008

(copy/paste from myspace)

So yesterday we had the "big sonogram"... I went ahead and took call on Sunday: A. because extra money is always a good thing and B. I knew I was going to have to get my mind off of the sonogram in order to not feel like Sunday crept by hour by hour or even minute by minute.

P.S. I always find something to stress out about before our doctor's appointment-- this time, it was that I couldn't feel the baby move yet. And everyone who said, "you can't?!," in that "ooooooooohhh, bless your heart" voice-- only made it worse! But, thank God, I felt the moving Thursday night!!! YAAAY!

So Monday was a big deal. Lance woke up early and put on a blue shirt-- for boy power I guess and went ahead and wore a tie too... He told me a lady showed up way early to close on her house because she was too excited to do much else and he had to tell her our news also-- I'm telling you this for no reason really other than to emphasize how rediculously excited we both were.

Lance stopped on the way home and bought me flowers and the sweetest card ever-- and I cried!

I'm dragging this out right?!

So our appointment was at 1:30 and we were both so freak'n giddy it was hilarious. I know other people were looking at us like we were 2 high school kids who just skipped town together or something! Our giddiness ran out though after we had sat there an hour- since the sonographer was running behind!

We finally went in the room... she put the thingy to my belly... I thought I REALLY knew walking into the room it was a girl and Lance thought he REALLY knew it was a boy-- one of us was REALLY WRONG!! "There's the heart" (all 4 chambers working correctly) "the stomach" (with fluid inside-- a good thing) "both arms and legs" (our baby was moving everywhere) "both kidneys" (with urine in the bladder proving the kidneys are working well)... "the spine, the hands, the feet, a closed palet, a symmetrical skull....." Finally I was like "this is torture!!! Please just tell us!"

And there it was--- he had nothing to hide!! Our little man spread them wide and showed his mom and dad his package =) It is a sweet boy! ...who loves his mommy already!

Oh my gosh I am sooooo EXCITED! Maybe I have 1st baby syndrome like Holly said but I think I'll be this excited each time?! I wish I could share a little piece of this happiness with everyone- it is overwhelming and EVERYONE should experience this at least once. I mean, come on, Lance did a fist pump when we found out-- I swear! He is already talking about select team baseball and how he is going to try and make him be left handed. He told me that I can have a few more months loving on him because come July he will be his best friend! I keep thinking about how we are going to have our hands full! Lance and his brother may have been the biggest little shits ever! ...but I can't wait. I can't wait until he wants to wear cowboy boots with everything- until he gives me his first hug- hits his first home run- he goes to his first Rangers game- he eats his first bug- pees outside- wants to wear his khaki short and reefs everyday because that's what his daddy wears--- all of it. I can not wait to experience every piece of it! I know there will be hard times but I can not wait for any of it! And actually, more than all of this, I can not wait for Lance to get home so we can talk about him some more!

Stay tuned for names!

Oh--- and the other news. Lance took another job. More money-- yay! He starts Monday and he will basically work for himself as an independent contractor through this oil company-- doing land/title survey stuff. He will work from home a lot of the times... good for me and the baby!

December 22, 2007

(copy/paste from myspace)

So this Thursday we had our first sonogram. It was something we have been looking forward to since the day we were pregnant. ...until this Tuesday (2 days before our sono)

As most EVERYONE knows, before pregnancy I was a somewhat emotional person. Okay, a VERY emotional person. I cried almost everyday about something. ...It could be something I listened to on the radio, Lance aggravating me, a postpartum mom in our office, an upset friend, a TV show, a patient of mine fighting his battle with cancer, my mom making me mad, the wind changing directions... you get the idea... ANYTHING! big or small. That's just me.

Well, once we found out I was pregnant, everyone was like, "oh no-- she is going to be non-stop crying". Well, they were wrong. I hardly every cry anymore. Actually my emotions in general are somewhat flat. The ONLY thing that gets me going is when I make up something in my head to be wrong with the baby or my pregnancy. (like the miscarriage worries in the beginning) I obsess over things until they seem real. I believe this diagnosis is called ANXIETY?! (But who knows, I'm not an MD!) But seriously, I dealt with it before being pregnant, but I am telling you this is unreal-- I become hysterical! I end up upsetting my mom, making Lance mad, and annoying Candace and Amanda, I am sure!

I tell you all of that, so you can understand why the sonogram was so huge. On Tuesday, I went to my sister-in-law's to get my roots covered, and to chop off these inches I have so patiently worked for. (with Lance's persuasion, I kept it long........ for now ) My mom came over too for a cut. And so did my friend Mandy, who is also pregnant-- right at a month further than me. Anywho... Mandy has rented a doppler off the internet (a devise that picks up fetal heart tones) and even though I felt guilty that we were going to listened to my baby's beating little heart without Lance, I decided to go for it! After 5 minutes of searching for it, we were unsuccessful. At the time I was like, "Oh well, Mandy is 3-4 weeks ahead of me, I am sure that is a huge difference". But the more I thought about it, the crazier I got. I started attaching all these things to it. (ie: I had wrote Love- Lance, Holly and Baby Erwin on our Christmas cards and then LOST them... I thought that was a sign?! I wasn't as tired that week... My boobs seemed to have stopped growing... I can't even remember what else-- but I got CRAZY!) I made it through work on Wednesday somewhat okay. I had to find a bathroom a few times to cry but I was training a girl so I stayed pretty occupied. That night, however, I was only occupied with being Debbie Downer. I cried and cried and cried. Lance kept asking me, "why are you turning our happiest day yet into something sad... be excited... yadda yadda yadda" I was over him and everyone else who told me everything was fine. Because NO ONE knew. Only God. And I was begging Him for an answer, and the best I got was that my sono was tomorrow.

And it was. Thursday came and our sonogram was great. Our 2 inch little tyke was moving its arms and legs like crazy. My friend Amanda said it was probably giving me a stern talking to (very animatedly, as I tend to talk) about chilling out! Maybe so? All I know is that when we [my mom, me and Lance]heard the heart beat (of 180 bpm-- the wife's tale says a girl?!) we had to cry. Of relief more than anything!

We are gleaming with excitement! and for once in my life, I didn't mind everyone saying, "I told you so!" After making our phone calls, we had to celebrate! ...So we shopped! Mostly for everyone else... I'm not finished buying presents yet. Bad, I know.

Anyway, keep praying for us. If not just for our baby's health, then also for my sanity-- and Lance's for that matter!!!

December 4, 2007

(copy/paste from my myspace blog)

Lance and I recently had our FIRST anniversary. Even though we have been together for 6 years... this day was still very special.
It is special to me because I finally feel as if I have the PEACE and HAPPINESS in my life that I made Lance work so hard to assure me he could provide! I know most people feel as if they married their best friend, and I hope that all of those people have what we have. Lance and I are always on the same page... just like best friends should be. He is the most honest, sincere, stable, handsome, and funny man I know. He has stood by me during these 6 years, when at times, I honestly didn't deserve him. He is strong when I am weak, and always shows me a positive side when I am upset. Lance is somewhat emotional which is assuring to me, because I know that he sincerely cares. I never doubt that he loves me unconditionally, mainly because he loves to remind me. He is more than trustworthy... "because without trust, we don't have a thing." Lance is my ROCK.
Sooo... now we turn over a new leaf in our lives. We are expecting our first baby! As exciting as it sounds, at first I was scared. Very scared. Crying myself to sleep over the worry of having a miscarriage... or something being wrong with the baby... Lance held me through these times and my friend Candace found the exact words to assure me everytime. With that said, you see why we have known now for 5 weeks and are just starting to share our news with more than just our close family.
To tell Lance we were pregnant, I wrote him a letter in a card from our baby telling him how great he was going to be as a daddy and how God would help us through our tough times... and how we should continue to thank Him in our times of happiness. Lance and I both cried-- due to all of the emotions, but ultimately we are unbelievably excited.
So here we are, 9 1/2 weeks into this. Only a little while longer until we conquer this scary first trimester! I have had ZERO morning sickness! I have vomited twice (once with a migraine, the other cleaning up dog poop) I have had mild nausea at times, I am tired constantly, constipated (hey, I'm a nurse, I don't have a problem with that word) and my boobies are slightly sore. Other than that, I am the same. No change really. Oh, except my OCD tendencies tend to be dissolving. (ie: my house that stayed clean and constantly smelled of pine-sol, now is always dirty and typically stays that way until my mom comes over and takes care of it for me!... laundry... the mail in the office...both a lost cause and I need to stop there for my fear of another migraine scares me!) My ADD that I think I had before pregnancy has increased! I can not stay focused for anything. I am somewhat controlling and not being in control of my stupidity is scary to me!
We have gone to our first appointment, where we basically just talked and then did lab work. We have our first sonogram in a few weeks and we are both pumped! Pray for us please. I have quite a few friends pregnant too right now... all very close together-- and I think about you guys constantly and pray about you all the same! (Kristen and Amanda hurry up and I'll add you to the list!)
We will let you know how the sono goes and hopefully post pictures of our little bean! It will still be a few more months before we are ABLE to find out the sex. We both feel like we are having a boy, HOWEVER, I do not want to find out and my husband feels as if that is not an option. Try to pursued him for me if you can!