Sunday, October 4, 2009

July 25, 2008

(copy/paste from myspace)

I worried a lot before I had him about the depressing part that follows delivery. Honestly, it hasn't been bad. (and maybe it isn't suppose to start yet?) I do get weepy every night as the sun goes down but it isn't like being depressed, it is more like being homesick. You know that feeling you had as you crawled into your bunk at church camp and you just wanted to go home? It is like that except I am home! Lance jokes that he is going to rent some big lights to shine over the house so I won't know when the sun is setting! I think it is because pregnancy was a gradual process and having him here is 100% full force. But we are managing! Other than bed time—I am usually beaming with joy over this doodle bug that is finally here! I love him ridiculously!

As for our health:

The boodie-bear's ring fell off his tee-tee and his cord is soon to follow. Then he can have a full bath-- yay!! Breastfeeding was a little difficult at first and my mom tried to talk me into quitting because she thought it would bring down my blood pressure but it is something that means a lot to me and we can do it! Thankfully I hung in there because he is nursing a lot better now. Mainly since I found the greatest invention ever—the nipple shield! I was battered and blistered and bleeding and would dread his next feeding but this thin piece of silicone has taken away 90% of the pain that came with him latching on! And as of his appointment last Monday he had already gained one ounce!! That is awesome for a breastfed baby. They typically lose 5-8% before they begin to gain! Monday he has his 2 week appointment and I can't wait to see how much he weighs now.

As for me:

My blood pressure is still way out of whack. I had to go back to my doctor on Monday because it wouldn't stabilize. I was put on a blood pressure medication, and then they had to double it Wednesday because we saw no change. They tripled the medication yesterday because it is still so high and I go back again Monday to talk with Dr. Deem and maybe she'll just change it to a whole different drug all together. For whatever reason, it shoots off the charts when people come over to visit so I have to sit here all hermit-ed up or else it goes buzzerks! Lance and I make conscious efforts to stay away from things that elevate it (since they have freaked us out about strokes and seizures) but sometimes nothing at all shoots it up? I hope that gets regulated… it is starting to make me crazy.

As for my help:

Lance has been great, on soooo many different levels. I don't know how women do it as single moms. I could not be this sane without my husband here. I don't even know how women deal with their husbands going back to work. I am so lucky Lance works from home! We have a system down that works well. I feed and he burps as I get the one side put away and the other side ready again. Maddox's feedings take about one hour from beginning to end and he typically stays awake an hour or so after his 9 o'clock-ish feeding. Lance usually rocks him back to sleep and I go on to bed. I couldn't ask for better support between Lance and my mom. Both have been amazing.

Well I say that….

I lost my mom to my sister this week. To add another stressor, my sister rolled my mom's Tahoe late Sunday night/ early Monday morning with 4 other kids in the car. Two girls were ejected but everyone, over-all, was "okay"… both of girls were released from the hospital the same day. My sister is bruised and sore and has a terrible neck ache but has no traumatic injuries. This wreck has brought a lot of things to the attention of me and my brother which has caused us to question a lot of people—my sister, my parents, and even ourselves. My brother went to the wreck and said after looking at the car, there really should have been fatalities. We pray that they understand the seriousness of this since so many kids lose their lives in car wrecks EVERY year in Paradise.

Speaking of Tahoes…

I got a new car a few days before we had Maddox and still have not drove it! I drove it ½ way home from the dealership and that is all. It is big and I am small and Ma-max is much smaller than that and I am scared of it I think! Silly, I know!

As for our activities:

We have tried not let our little Maddox hold us back. Lance still played his Sunday golf this week and my mom and I made a small shopping trip. I even mastered shopping and nursing at the same time while staying covered up to boot!! We have taken him to 6 different restaurants already in these past 2 weeks and he has done well. Me, I don't do quite as well because I feel like my life rolls around a 3 hour clock and I sit anxious that at any minute he is going to wake up hungry and my meal will be over. But I am working on it! …Give me time. We are even supposed to go on vacation next Friday with my parents but we will have to see?!

On an exciting note…

As of my appointment on Monday, (4 days post delivery) I only had 8 pounds to loose to get back to pre-Maddox weight. I am anxious to see where I am this coming up Monday… Maybe I won't have to learn how to work out after all—let's face it, I'm not very athletic!

As for life's lessons:

In these two weeks I have realized that there is so much more to love. I never would have thought that I could love my husband even more than I already did… but I do. It is a different love—seeing him as a daddy is the greatest yet. And as for the love I already have for Maddox… It is difficult to articulate—it is way bigger than that. It is in every small thing… like when he is screaming and my mom and Lance have put in good effort to calm him but then I put my lips to his and say shhhhh real soft… and it works! He quiets and looks at me—at 2 weeks old he knows I am his mommy! It is when I really should lay him down to rest but I would rather hold him and stare at him because I know this baby will soon be a boy and I don't want to miss a single moment of him. It is watching the DVD of pictures to music that my brother-in-law, Ryan made over and over even though I have them memorized at this point because I simply do not want to ever forget all of the special moments that filled our day. It is the worry I have every time I put him to sleep and pray that God holds him through the night for my fear of SIDS overwhelms me at times. And it is those times when Lance reminds me about faith that I can close my eyes and sleep. This new love seems bigger than me but is amazing! I was reading in one of my books what another mom wrote:

"…its checking on him every 5 minutes in his crib making sure he is still breathing. It is the need to protect him at all costs, and knowing that you simply can't. It's the overwhelming sadness that someday he'll walk out the door and you won't be there to save him from life's cruelties—the hurt and grief and pain from which you can't even protect yourself. It is trying to memorize every pout, each gentle sigh, how he holds his tiny hands in front of his face in such complete awe, the way he looks at you and smiles and burrows his head into your shoulder to sleep. It's knowing with a kind of bittersweet ache that these moments are as fleeting as snowflakes on his little cheek. It's knowing that for the first time in you life you simply don't care about you, that nothing is more important than his health and happiness. It's knowing that you would give your own life, never to see or hold him again, if it could guarantee his own. It's knowing, finally, the meaning of true love, and fearing that it will be taken from you. I once said that having my child was the hardest thing I would ever do, but now I understand I was wrong. Loving him is."

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