Maddox called Lance Monday after school in tears.
He couldn't let Lance off the phone, and he couldn't stop crying.
Through sobs, and sniffs, and finally on to 'sup-sups' (that sound they make when they've cried their biggest cry and can't fully bring themselves together, still sucking in air) he finally belted out,
"I miss you daddy."
"Just come home."
"I want to play cars, and throw the ball, and snuggle."
"I just want to see you."
My kids adore their daddy.
But more than that, my husband is crazy over them.
To a fault; Smitten.
That same night, Maddox and I hear Beckham yelling, "dada!! dada!!", Maddox takes off running, expecting to see Lance, but instead finds Beckham pointing at this sign.
...to Lance's little symbol, that he always writes on his cup or whatever.
I could hear it in Lance's voice while he was on the phone with Maddox that he was done and had finally hit the wall.
Had he been home, and not in the presence of others, he would have probably shed some tears over that phone call.... and maybe even over little brother too.
And it didn't help that he is working almost 100 hours a week right now and his body is physically drained as well.
So Lance broke the rules this week.
He scoops the boys up when he gets home, and puts them in bed with us.
Which quickly transforms our king size bed into a twin sized bed of nails.
But he needs that.
Loving on our boys is his fuel in life.
Anyone who knows him, knows that.
And I secretly love waking up all snuggled together. Even if my neck hurts.
Tuesday I called the office over a random pain Maddox kept complaining about over the last few weeks.
I hadn't thought much about it, but it happened while I was on the phone with Amanda and she asked me why I hadn't called the office?
It's weird. I swear that I am not a negligent nurse. Obviously I would have any new asthmatic follow up with their physician with chest pains... but sometimes my mom brain and my nurse brain do not create a great spark between each other.
Once or twice a week he grabs his heart and yelps out. It is short lived, and he will typically call it a 'pinch' or a 'stab' or a 'sharp thang'... He had no shortness of breath or signs of illness with it, but I called just to make sure it wasn't something we should be concerned with since it was a new symptom post the asthma junk.
Dr Hayward wanted him to go get a chest xray.
My rational mind knew that she has to follow up chest pains and rule out 'worst case scenario' but my irrational brain lost its gourd.
I felt horrible because I hadn't even mentioned these pains to Lance...
But I hadn't seen Lance. And I tell you, they weren't show stoppers. (hence it took me 3 weeks to mention them to anyone.)
I called mom, and she came to the rescue.
I'll give you a tiny taste of what living with un-medicated anxiety feels like:
Everything is all normal, and then a tiny flare of doubt hits and ignites and soon I am spiraling. First slowly and then psychotically: "What if this is a mass? What if it wasn't even asthma at all causing him to wheeze in the first place? He does look pale. Is this why it all worked out for mom to retire; right now? Did God let her leave her job so she could help me? Oh my gosh! Is this why I was blessed with the opportunity to work from home... so I could get this time... or still be able to work from Houston. Houston. Good Lord! Did I meet Casey so that I'd have somewhere to stay while Maddox is in the hospital?"
See there, we went from a simple outpatient xray, to a bed in St. Judes in the simple drive it takes me to get down 820.
Luckily my kids go to the doctor only about once or twice a year.
Unfortunately for us, we don't get ear infections and strep... we get 106 fevers, 22 thousand white counts, over-dosing on anxiety pills, satting in the 80s, and chest pains.
Who's convinced they are going to die.
So it only takes a few minutes for me to take the rational yacht to the crazy port.
And 2 hours to get a STAT film read.
And a whole-lot of effort to keep my crazy-brain hidden from my worried husband who couldn't be there.
Which is growth for me!
Maddox did wonderful in his xray and it was completely normal just like we knew it would be (when we were letting our rational brain do the talking). The pains are most likely pleurisy, and as long as he isn't in distress from them then we do not need to worry.
So we won't.
Lance was able to be at Maddox's football practice this week, so after the xray, a toy, and a visit with Meme... we met Lance at football practice and then came home to get things ready for today.
The biggest part of me wants the house to stop when he walks in the door, prop his feet up and have some adult interaction.
He tells me every day how much he misses us. How much he misses me.
And I miss him too.
But we run a well-oiled ship here.
I'm gathering clothes for school and making lunches and he's putting on pajamas and giving kisses.
It is row, row, row your boat, and do it all again.
I keep hoping for a date night... but know Lance well enough-- if he gets some time away... he isn't letting the boys get far!
he is taking the day off tomorrow!
and we are so excited!!
I might just hide his phone and turn off all the clocks.
Maddox keeps asking me if it is a joke?
And he is giddy like it is Christmas!
I skipped Bible study today to get the house completely clean and laundry done so that I wasn't tempted to move tomorrow...
I ran a few errands, and rented 5 movies, so we can sit.
I am so excited for tomorrow!
We are doing nothing....
in our pjs...
And enjoying every minute of it!