Thursday, March 7, 2013

Let me vent for a second.

I want to be the wife that says, "you're amazing honey" after he's walked in the door from another 14 hour day, for the 14th-thousand day in a row.
I want to praise him and rub his feet and thank him for working so hard for our family.
But I can't.
I can't because I'm mad.

He's not paid by the hour...
Or doubling his salary during these hectic weeks.

He's not walking in the door and praising me for my hard work either.

I log into FB and see one husband praising his wife's dinner and another thanking his for taking care of their sick children.
Not mine.
My house has been ill for weeks.
Who gets up with the kids... me.
I make dinner every night.
Who's been home to eat it... not him.
How can he praise something he didn't eat?

Who are we kidding...
My love language is words of affirmation, and it's Lance's weakest attribute.

So that's how it goes...
No one's pushing the other on.
No one's arguing either.

He's telling me how busy and hectic he is and I am telling him how tired and ran down I am.
We are passing like thieves in the night.
Both tired.  Both spent.
Four minutes of interaction each day....
It's hello/ goodnight.

I am bitter.
He strolls in when the kids are run down and I'm exhausted and Beckham has drawn on another electronic with a sharpie and I've hurt Maddox's feelings, and cooked dinner, and cleaned up dinner, and fed the dog, and prepared for the next day...
while talking to 50 parents about their children.
And I am being so ugly to him.

He's absent.
And we are used to a very hands-on daddy.
He's apologetic...
But it doesn't bring him home.

It's not the days that get to me.
We do those without him every day.  We know that routine.
We expect to go those hours without him.

It's the nights.
It's the cuddles.
It's the help.

He misses them.
And they miss him more.

Maddox talks about him and asks to call or text him constantly.  He draws him pictures and leaves him little surprises for when he gets home.
Beckham wants nothing to do with him at night, like he's holding a grudge.

I guess I should be happy that Lance is such a helpful husband and loving daddy that his absence is so deeply noticed.
But instead, I curse his name with every page shrieking in my ear-- while the mashed potatoes turn to potato soup-- and Beck is crying out over a lashing to his back from a glow-necklace at the hands of his brother-- and four bites of my entire roast gets eaten.

And curse him again as I yell, "WHAT?!?!" to Maddox as he walks up to me talking for the 5th time in a row while I am trying to do my job and make money for our family just to hear him say, "I love you momma.  That's all I wanted to say."
And then I cry and then he cries...
and then I apologize and he says, "don't worry.  It's me. Not you."

But it's not him!
It me.
It's Lance.
It's life.

I need our routine back.
I need my daddy-daycare for my call.
I need a dang break.

I don't work well in chaos.
And apparently much more dependent than I realized.

I just needed to vent for a second.
Tomorrow I'll post crock and freeze and I'll be much more chipper with my words...
Tonight I just want to be mad.

And that's okay.


  1. You are too darn hard on yourself. You do what you can and you let the rest go. It's so hard not to take everything out on our husbands (I do it all the time)...especially since it appears they have it much easier than us! I would NEVER talk to a friend the way I talk to my husband sometimes! The things Maddox says often reminds me of Brady. Our boys will make good husbands someday! ;)
    I had to laugh at your love language comment. I hope to finish that book today...I have about 20 pages to go. I can't decide yet if I am words of affirmation or gifts. I know (gifts)that's pathetic but I feel like it's more about the effort put into getting something for someone and my husband rarely (never) gets me something for the heck of it. I am hoping he will read the book after me. We should have read it 13 yrs ago before we got married!
    Hang in there girl! Do something just for you will feel better, I promise. :)

  2. You're cute when you're mad. LOL -- Please know that you are NOT alone. We ALL have been there, we just don't put it in words as great as you do. If I wrote a "vent" would be brutal. People would probably send my name to the producers of the show "Snapped!" (and they would sure call CPS if they heard me tell Cori to "SHUT UP" the other day.) You're doing a GREAT job; better than most "single" moms!

  3. It doesn't make it easier, but you're not alone. This is a tough gig and it's extra hard when you have a partner that you're used to relying on who can't be there like you need for whatever reason. I also absolutely feel your desire for some kind words. We learned not too long ago what the other needed...he's talked to by gifts, which is why he always gave me grand gifts, but all I wanted was simple words, or one dark chocolate truffle, a bottle of wine, etc. Just wanted to feel loved and appreciated. He gets that now and I swoon when I hear how well I take care of our family, how good of a mommy I am, how I'm the best bear in the world for him, and you know what, it makes me more patient, makes me able to deal with a lot more crap. So I get where you're coming from, the need to hear those things, and how absolutely frustrated and impatient a person can get when those things are missing. So, you're not alone and you're a great mother and wife, and it's healthy to rant and vent once in a while. Hopefully the weekend goes better for you!


  4. Holly baby, I'm worried about you. I know taking care of two little ones while Lance is away so many hours is very hard on you and I wish I knew what I could do to help you. I can keep Maddox some of the time when he isn't in school because he knows me and seems to like me. I would love to keep Beckham, because I feel that would give you the stress relief you need, but he doesn't know me and I don't think he likes me. I understand. He hasn't been around me that much and he is every bit as precious as Maddox but completely different than Maddox. Let me know how I can help you.
    I know Lance is working hard to provide a more secure future for you and the boys and I know he loves you very much. Times like you are going through can hurt a marriage if you both quit trying to understand where the other one is coming from but like they say, "When you are up to your ass in alligators it's hard to remember your intention was to drain the swamp."
    I love you and hope I can help you, I just need to know how I can help you.

  5. No need to worry!
    I **think** I am normal... or at least God blessed me with a few crazies as best friends and we are all equally crazy and that works too!

    Unfortunately they don't blog-- but we do talk (a lot) and they all have been through it too.

    I love my husband and like I said above, he's a wonderful helper to me and perfect daddy to them. It's just a crappy time with his job... and I journal our life.
    That's all.

    This too shall pass-- as does every difficult part of marriage, parenting, friendship, etc.

  6. I feel like I need to clarify!

    I am blessed to have such a wonderful husband and I feel lucky to be able to work from home.

    I was overwhelmed with emails and texts this morning of support-- and I think you guys are great... but I think everyone thinks I am on the edge.

    Maybe I should proof-read before I post, because though I am frustrated with Lance's schedule-- I am no where near the edge.

    Believe me, I have been much more overwhelmed!! ;)

    I also recognize that I have readers who are 'real' single moms-- who's husbands travel-- or are deployed for months at a time.

    So my apologies if I offended anyone.

    This blog is my place to write, *our story*.

    It's my place to document the good, the bad, and the ugly.

    And as any of you who are walking in this same chapter knows-- it has a lot of it all!

    It's hard.

    It's long hours.

    It's draining...

    but it is also very rewarding-- and I truly believe that it is the richest volume of the whole book. :)

  7. You are 100% normal.
    You don't have to clarify, but I get feeling the need to do so.
    I get it. I get it. I get it!
    Write your heart out.
    I will say it a thousand more times in this is so hard and so beautiful. And we get a mixture of that each day. Some days we have more than we can stand. I think what you wrote here is what many of us go through, but are too scared to write down.
    My mom always kind of flips when I get emotional with her. Sometimes I feel like I can't go to anyone. I am so glad you wrote this. I know you were venting, and it doesn't make me worry about you, and you are completely normal.

  8. And unfortunately I keep having to come back to this blog...
    but one more added side note::
    I am not pissed off at Lance's work adventure either.
    I am just venting.
    About our life.
    Because this is my blog.
    About our life.
    Our real life.

  9. sorry your having a rough time!! it may not bring your hubby home earlier or make him be more aware of all that you do but your doing a great job!! your kids are taken care of and love you more than anything! hang in there.. i hope you get a break soon :) ~leslee