Wednesday, April 4, 2012

A terrible scare

This is the boys room.

I am not sure if you can see it well... but there is a video monitor on the wall, there up above by the giraffe's neck, that almost changed my life forever.

Last night, Maddox asked if I would lay down with him while he went to sleep.

Around 2:00... (well let's not pretend that I don't know the minute that my heart flew from my chest...)
at 2:14, I woke up to a sound.
My first thought was, "what was that?"
My second thought, "dang... I fell asleep in this twin side bed."

I fear sharing this story because I do not want you to see me as a careless mom.
I'm not.
I am so far from that.
As a matter of fact... I feel like I deserve a trophy for the anxiety I have given up while mothering Beckham. 
But I am still so careful.

I did a lot of crying after Maddox was born, terrified he would be taken from me.
I needed a ton of encouragement, reassurement and prayer to make it through some days.
SIDS stories of past patients, haunted me.

I am better this time.

But last night, after the sound awoke me, I slid my arm from behind Maddox's head and walked over to Beckham's crib to give him a look over, and I found my biggest fear.
Or at least one of them...

Beckham had somehow had reached the cord on that monitor and was wrapped up in it, sleeping away.

It was loose.

But what if I hadn't been in Maddox's room last night?
What if he had rolled a few times?
What if that sound wouldn't have woken me?

Was that God?

I ripped him out that crib...
yelled for Lance and sobbed in prayer....

"thank you Lord... thank you Lord... thank you Lord for waking me... for him being okay... for letting me keep him..."

I know how these stories can turn out.

Beckham finished out the night, smooshed right up to my chest... even trying to ween-- it didn't matter.  I was covered in fear and anxiety-- and a laundry list of 'what ifs'.  

And today I played it through, again and again.

If I kiss my boys 100 times every day... you can multiply that times a million today.

I remember when I first started blogging, I would click "next" at the top sometimes and read random blogs...
one day I found myself in a group of moms who had lost their kids to mini-blind cords...
First I cried...
But then I found myself asking, "how could that even happen? they not knot their cords and tuck them high into their blinds?... that's common sense, right?!"
But now I know...

Some things just happen.

Even when you try to control everything.

(and on that note... I am going to check on my sleeping babies!)


  1. Oh my gosh, Holly - that gave me a sick feeling. I, too, fear losing my babies and have a sick habit of playing through "what ifs" in my head and start getting paranoid.

    I am so glad he's okay and that noise was definitely not a coincidence - someone was watching over your baby.

  2. I'm so glad everything turned out were meant to be in their room (btw, their room might just be the cutest little boys room I've ever seen!) that night. This is the second blog I've read today that has reminded me how quickly something can happen to our children in an instant. I think I need to hop on over to a before and after room tranformation or something lighter!! :)

    Have a wonderful Easter weekend Holly!

    1. I know! Today I am going to do a happy post!! PROMISE! Nothing but glitter or flowers, I think!! ;)
      I waited until 10:00 last night to even write it down... (and then followed it up with nightmares that I was in a tornado with Maddox and my mom and we couldn't find Beckham or Lance...) but I thought it may help just one mom once-over her kid's room, and maybe help someone, somewhere?!?

      Thanks on the room comment... But I probably could have straightened the bookshelf before I started snapping pictures!

  3. Oh Holly, no one who knows you and how you love those boys could accuse you of being a careless mom. If, God forbid, a tragedy had occured, those who love you and care for you would have wept buckets for all of you and the ones who don't know you and might have critized you, wouldn't matter and would have been your least concern. When I read your blog, I sent a prayer of thanks that Beckham was ok and a prayer asking that God give you peace and that He continue to bless you, Lance and those precious boys.

    I have thought so many times since we ate lunch in Azle last week; how Beckham snuggled up to me when that lady a Chicken Express tried to talk to him and how cute and smart Maddox was when he was spelling out his name on you I Phone. You and Lance have done a great job with those two little ones.

    Their little bedroom looks so cute and I love that bed cover on Maddox's bed. You are so talented.

    You are an great, careful and concerned mom and I love you soooooo much.



  4. Oh Holly, I'd have been a crazy mess. Thank God you were in their room that night!!!!!!! That makes me cry and gives me chills to think that you were in their room that night for THAT reason. Wow. So glad he's okay.

    I'm gonna go kiss my girls now. Kiss yours lots today too.


  5. As a pediatric nurse for some forty years, I have seen it all. And sometimes bad things DO happen to good people. You sound like a very responsible and caring Mom and your boys are lucky to have you. What I have learned is, you should appreciate the little miracles in life (like a child's giggle) and not worry about the dishes, or whether the beds are made or if your kids get all A's on their report cards. One illness or accident trumps the ordinary and changes lives forever. So, yes, hug and kiss your children every chance you get and live in the moment!

    1. Hi Judi!! I am also a pediatric nurse! And I agree completely with what you said about not sweating the little things (like cleaning)... however for my Type A personality, that is sometimes easier said than done!! But I am certainly trying harder!!! And a little scare will sure throw things into perspective pretty quickly!

      No cleaning today... well, except laundry.

      Today is mostly play. :)

  6. Holly, I am so very glad all is ok. That is so scary. When Boyd was a teeny tiny baby, we found him in his crib with his little lovie blanket wrapped tightly around his neck. I will never forget it. He was fine. We think he just rolled around and it wrapped around him. I think it's good that you posted this. I don't think anyone out there would ever think you are a careless mom. It's so true that these things happen to everyone. SOOOOOO glad all is ok. I know that moment as a mom when your heart just stops.

    By the way, I LOVE your boys' room. It puts Boyd's to shame. I do not have a knack for decorating. Their room is adorable!

  7. Oh Holly, what an awful scare! My heart goes out to you! Things just happen sometimes, but the Lord is good to sustain us with grace. I am so glad he is okay. Hugs to you and to your sweet boys!

    {And I agree with Nicolle, their room is adorable!}

  8. Thanks guys about the room... when we moved back to our home, I decided that I was going to room the boys together and use the bigger room as their playroom. I first thought I would make the room a little "bigger-boy" so that it was more appropriate for a toddler too-- but I just couldn't! My mom and I drew and painted all of those little critters on the walls to match the bedding and when I found that twin bedding that almost matched one of the fabrics in the quilt, perfectly for $20... I thought it was fate and kept it "little"! I love it too.

    (oh, and my Nana made them that bookshelf... and I adore it!)

  9. Hi Holly, How scary for you. I am not the best sleeper and wake up many times in the night each time I wake I check on my kids. My husband always gives me a hard time about it but now I am going to show him this post.
    Thank you for visiting my blog!

  10. oh goodness i cant imagine how you must have felt! you were definitely in their room for a reason last night. i totally understand what it feels like to be a worrier or an anxious person, its almost like i would feel worse if i didnt worry, like something might happen if you dont think about the bad stuff that could happen. maybe i have mommy issues but i like to think of it as my baby is maybe a little safer because im more aware of what could happen... anyways thank god nothing happened! by the way you seem like a great mommy, sometimes it just makes you feel good to hear it from someone that doesnt know you personally or is related to you, because those people are supposed to tell you those things, right?!! haha! leslee