Friday, March 25, 2011

36 weeks

Anxiety hit this week.
In a big way.

I think Lance realized how lucky he got this pregnancy because this was one of very few sets of tears we have had to endure this go.
With Maddox, it was a weekly (sometimes daily) tear-fest.

I think exhaustion played a big part in my emotions--
and the thought that my life is going to change in a big way in a month.
One month.
Thanksgiving to Christmas... you know how fast that goes.
That's what we have left.
A blur.

On Monday I broke down on the phone with Lance.
I knew I wasn't making a bit of sense but I couldn't get it together.
I apologized when he got home, and thought it was just an isolated break-down.

Tuesday was better.  (meaning I didn't cry)
But it seemed like every whiny person wanted to tell me their problems, and act like no one else had ever endured their issues [ever] or ask for my help on crap that I had zero-to-no care to help with.

I wanted to scream, "I have my own issues...
Can you see how fat I am?
Do you know that I now have hemroid on may ass-- which takes me somewhere so far from hot, its not even funny.
My lower back hurts.
I pee 18 times a night.
I am tired.
My 2 year old doesn't stop.
I work.
No one in my family pacifies whining or cuts me a "she's pregnant" break.
I now feel like I am holding a water balloon with my vagina.
But somehow, am still being kicked in my ribs.
I can not eat after about 6:00pm or else I have to sleep sitting straight up.
See-- I too have a damn list.
Therefore, I don't care about yours!!"
I knew it was rude to have those thoughts... but again, I didn't care.
Nor did I say them out loud.
Until now. 
Wednesday, I followed Lance (like a lost puppy) and cried.
And cried.
And cried.

He kept asking, "What can I do to help you?"... "What do we need to do?"
But the only answer I could give him was, "A lot."

We ended up accomplishing little that day...
But I made lists.
And lists of my lists.
And then I typed my lists.

Because that's how I roll.
And it sure made me feel better!
(which is all that really matters at this point!)

Mom took Maddox for an hour or so from me and we went to their house for tacos for dinner.
Maddox and Pop had tractor stuff to do.  He thinks he is 'big time' on the tractor!

Thursday was a new day.
I had my 36 week appointment with Dr Deem at 11:00. 
Lance had planned on staying home with Maddox and knocking out a few things on the list and I would go to my doctor's appointment alone, and spend the remaining hours of my day (killing time before work) returning doubles from my shower and purchasing the things that I feel like we need before his arrival.
If you are a nursing momma-- I would recommend these x 100.  They are typically $25 a pair, and completely worth their price tag.  However, I found them at Target (possibly marked wrong) for $4.95 a pair.  I bought the 2 pair they had left. 

But Maddox woke me up by saying, "wake up, my periwinkle!" and was so sweet (and funny) yesterday morning, I didn't want to leave him for the entire day.

I mean, he "read" me this book before bed.... I should have known I wouldn't want to leave my tiny-turtle.
[Watch it... It might be the sweetest thing I have ever seen!]

So we made a family day out of my appointment.

I could tell that yesterday was going to be less emotional and was excited to begin a new day.
I was ready to feel like my normal self.

That was until I checked in at the front desk and the receptionist said, "did you know your insurance termed on January 1?"
I did not know such pertinent information.
I did know, however, that when Maddox cost us a couple grand... this sweet little soul was going to cost us a $35 co-pay.
What happened to our crazy-good insurance?

Apparently Lance's company changed providers and you know he was made aware of this but we didn't know.
Thankfully, this insurance is still really good... $200 per-day in hospital (not to exceed $800), baby covered 100% (including circ), and OB covered 100%.

Breathe Holly.
Wipe the tears.

Then we got back into the room.
Once again, she could not find the heart beat.
Again, I wasn't panicked at all because this little boy never stops moving, so I am constantly reminded that he is doing well.
The nurse asked me where they found it last time (when they had trouble) and I pointed under my left rib.
She found it.... and then told me that could mean he is breech.

Tears again.
I am terrified of a c-section.

Lance was trying to console me...
And keep Maddox from touching everything in the room....
but despite good effort, he didn't really master either task!

Dr Deem came in and was happy that I had gained weight again. blah blah blah

She felt my belly and believes that Beckham in head down.
She did my Group B test...
and she set me up for my 38 week sono.

(She is waiting until 38 weeks because she really wants to watch Beckham's size, and this way it is more accurate, and we can induce if he is too large.)

Otherwise, she said she would let me try and go into natural labor (which I stressed to her at the beginning of this pregnancy was important to me) or we would set up induction April 18 (my birthday) or April 19, if I was done and ready!

I don't want an early baby... I almost had a 41 week-full term NICU baby, so I don't want an early (even though we are 'technically' full term in a few days) NICU baby.  Nature knows best.

But induction does sound okay too... since I am a planner.
Time to check my bag x 10.
Time to let everyone know...
No worries if everyone is at work-- who's going to take me-- who's going to get Maddox--  or crowning in my one hour car ride to the hospital.
Time to apply make-up and make sure hair is presentable for the thousands of pictures that are taken.
Time to plan.

We will see.
God has a plan.
And I will follow.

Today was good.
I feel like me again.
Still tired.
But no tears.

Maddox and I played outside.

 I think I'm back on track!

And I'm off to eat catfish...
And I don't even like fish.

But today it sounds so good!


  1. I love reading your blogs I wish I could write the way I feel and make it funny like that.

  2. I'm going to agree with Candi- I always enjoy reading your blogs--- you're writing style keeps me cracking up. I remember Kent and I always going back to the apartment after sitting around with you and Lance and talking about how funny y'all were.

    I love your lists! haha you did such a great job typing those up ;)

    I CAN'T WAIT to see Beckham. Like seriously, can't wait. We'll be in Texas in May and then again in July. I AM going to come visit. I HAVE to.

  3. Oh, I can totally feel your pain and anxiety and all the emotions you are having right now. I won't say I understand, b/c that won't make you feel better, and I know each situation is different. Just know that, like you said, the last month will fly by, you will soon have that precious new baby in your arms. I had to visualize that every time I went to see my OB when I was pregnant with Boyd. That thought always calmed me down.

    It's good to write your thoughts down like this, and to just cry and let it all out when you need to.

    Your writing makes me smile to, and I can relate! :))

  4. Your little guy is so cute! I wish I had speakers on my computer so I could hear the video...I need to get some ASAP!!
    I remember feeling all those emotions and NOT having a 2 yr old to go along with them. I just want to give you a big hug! You don't have long to go...try and take it easy!!

  5. I love your blogs. Sorry your booty is uncomfortable, that's the worst!!

    I am a list maker too, you should see the note pad on my iphone, I think I have like 13 lists that I refer to a few times a day. It keeps me sane. (that doesn't include the spiral notepad on my desk with my "work list") I love scratching things off the list....

    Sometimes we have bad days....don't feel bad.