Wednesday, October 19, 2011

While I was out

I have anxiety.
I have had it my whole life.
Like as far back as I can remember.
Most times I control it...
and other times it controls me.

The last couple of weeks [simply put] have kicked my ass.

Just the thought of hopping on Blogger and expressing my feelings did me in.
Honestly, everything did me in.

It is one of those things that I know if I can just get on top of it..
I can stop it.
But the climb is difficult.

It isn't really crying that I do (although I do some too...)
but it is more that ball of air that builds below my sternum-- spreads into my arms-- and burns into my cheeks.

Mostly it is the things that will probably never happen that attack my mind...
But real stuff too:
Like the microphone (with the 3 foot cord) that Maddox tossed into the crib with Beckham while he was napping... and I found wrapped around B's mid-section a few minutes later...
or Maddox, darting towards the driveway as Lance came home from work, completely out of character for my cautious boy...
Beckham shoving a artificial- flower petal into his mouth, and me realizing just how mobile he is and just how many tiny toys Maddox has...
My biggest fears, right before my eyes-- the 'what-ifs'
those things that I would never, nor could ever, forgive myself for if 'worse-case-scenario' were to happen...
the things I could prevent...
The control freak in me drowning my mind.

Over everything.

A crumbled cupcake on my freshly mopped floor...
and the look of sadness my baby had in his eyes when I reacted.
The mirror of myself when I was his age...
had me crying hours later.

Each time I would work myself right up to the top of the mountain--
I would slip back down again.

I am tired.

Beckham doesn't sleep.

Sleep is vital.

I am consciously trying to win.
And I feel a little better the last couple of days.

I have good friends and an understanding mom.
For that, I am thankful.

My husband finally noticed my threads falling apart...
or maybe it was my untouched house, yesterday, that tuned him in.
But he cleaned up, fed and prepared the boys for bed last night.
And gave me a break.

It was nice.
(and it was even nicer to see his frustration every time his perfect house was messed again... and again... and again... yet another mirror of myself, and sometimes never-ending days)

Today we took our annual trip to the Flower Mound Pumpkin Patch.
It was a good day.

Tonight, Beckham snuggled in my lap, nursed, and fell asleep in my arms.
He is such a busy body,
it almost felt like a reward.

I will post an entire post about our day,
But for now, I will catch you up on our week...
[via the pics stored in my camera]

Last Thursday Lance hosted an assembly at the Elementary school for Fire Prevention Week.
He did very well,
and I took our boys up to watch.
We had a great time.

I have talked about this before but I am not sure I shared the recipe.
[I promise I feed my family healthy stuff too.  Some times.]
Try it.

Sunday night, we spent the last bit of daylight outside-- enjoying this lovely fall weather with the neighbors.
There are a ton of little boys within a few houses from us.
They had fun.

Back inside, me and the little chef made cupcakes.
Chocolate for daddy.
Vanilla for mommy.
Both for Maddox.

Monday we finger painted...
and hung our art work on the play room wall.
Maddox surprised me when he told me red and yellow made orange.
It may have been luck though, because when I asked what blue and yellow make [green is his favorite color], he mater-of-factly responded with purple.

Caught up through today...

The boys enjoyed their day at the pumpkin patch...

And tonight, Maddox (the little chef) helped me make chicken and dumplings...
And together we watched the Ranger game.
Rangers lost.
But this was just game 1.

We've got this!  ;)


  1. I'm sorry you live with so much anxiety, because I know exactly how it feels and it's hard. I have dealt with horrible anxiety for about 12 or 13 years now, since we lost my dad suddenly. I'm anxious over everything, all the time. My stomach is in knots and my head feels like it might explode at times. I have to say I have found some peace lately in extra prayers. I read a blog yesterday that reminded me that worry and anxiety is a sin. As hard as that is for me to swallow, in a strange way it makes me realize God only wants what is best for his children. He does not want us to live in this fear each day of our lives. I know I'm rambling, but I'm just learning how to cope with my anxiety. You and I are very similar in this. I'm trying to give it all to God, and as easy/silly at that sounds, it's working.

    Of course, I love all of the pictures here. I have got to make the chocolate gravy! Holy moly! I remember you talked about it once before. I would love it!

  2. Thanks for your kind words Nicolle, you are always so sweet. I am truly trying to worry less... and if I told you some of the things I worry about, you would crack up. I try to write the normal things-- because some are plain humorous!!

    It is terrifying to love two little creatures so much, and to pour your entire heart into something and to know that if something ever happened to one of them, you could not possibly recover.

    That's huge.

    But I am moving forward.
    And will pray more about it.

  3. I have been crying at every little thing lately, past 6 months to a year. I have tried to joke about it, but it always leaves me wondering if something more is wrong. Onset of depression, menopause, etc... Your honesty is inspiring. Thank you for sharing. (hence my "quitting" everything. If I quit it, maybe I won't cry about it. Seriously, should a grown woman cry through an ENTIRE movie about breast cancer? I know that it killed my Grandmother, but that was nearly 20 years ago. I'm a mess. Hey, there is my next blog!)