Wednesday, September 14, 2011

faith trumps fear

Have you ever had a dream that was so real
and scary
and thought provoking
and terrifying
that hours later, it still makes you cry?

That's me.

Yesterday, I found a great site [through my mom] called godvine.
I watched a lot of great videos
and a few sad ones too.

Lance and I  watched a 9/11 documentary that he had recorded after I got home from work...

And my MIL took Maddox to her house, to stay the night for the first time, ever.

With the videos and falling towers and incomplete family at home, bedtime brought an un-easy-ness for me.
Maybe I had a mini-anxiety attack?
I didn't need a brown bad or anything...
but I did have that feeling that my chest was going to explode. 

Around 11:00, I made Lance call and check on my baby.
His mom had mentioned taking a walk if Maddox was too wound up to sleep... and I needed to make sure she wasn't meaning a 2:00am walk. 
Nuts, right?

He was fine.
Beckham was asleep.
And within minutes Lance's coddling had turned to snoring.

Surprisingly, I followed.

For the first time in months, I crashed, hard.
Usually I watch tv, I go to the restroom, get a drink of water, go to the recliner, move to Maddox's bed, stare at the clock, do math, plan the next day, etc...
But last night, I slept.
Like a rock.
So hard, in fact, that Lance heard Beckham's 2:00am cry before I did.
[which is saying a lot because I am certain a hurricane could hit our house and Lance's snoring would hold rhythm-- not to mention, most times, I am to Beckham before his rustling has turned to crying.]

Somewhere post the 2:00am feed, the devil found me in my sleep.

I don't want to spill my dream,
because it still scares the piss out of me...

But my teeth hurt from clenching them while typing this and I am still asking why?
Why did my mind go there?
Is it a sign...
or warning?

I am fearful I will dream it again...
and I am thinking about how scary it is too love 2 little people so much.
I am wondering why I can't bubble wrap my babies up and protect their bodies, their emotions and their every breath from here to forever.
I am wondering when I became this granola-mom, who breastfeeds, baby wears, plays cars, and cares more about organic baby food than the ever-popular, sold-out Missoni line?
Wondering if I can double our king-size bed or knock out the wall in between our room and the boys, home school, never ride in a car again, and become a complete weirdo out of fear?!

I am not always this anxious....
but when I get there,
I snow ball.

My dream was terrifying.
And all day today, I can not get it out of my head.

Tonight, after rear-ending a man and his son at a red-light, I had a breakdown.
[the "wreck" was more of a tap.  No insurance was exchanged... no damage done. Thankfully] :)

I was shaking, mad and upset with myself...
and with the devil, who barged into my day like the a-hole he is.
So I called Candace.
She's my go-to-girl for spiritual confidence.
And we talked.

Thankfully, Lance didn't gripe about my red-light-fiasco.
And he reminded me that "it was just a dream and to pray about it".

That' really all I can do.

I think I feel a little better.
But as bed time drawls near,
I am scared again.

I tell myself that I am the mom...
I am suppose to comfort my babies and their scary dreams...
but it is them that I was threatened with.
And it seamed so real.

Lance says my faith has to trump my fear.
And I am praying God helps me out with that.

Here goes.
Good night.
and Sweet dreams.

He will cover you with his feathers.
      He will shelter you with his wings.
      His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
      nor the arrow that flies in the day.
Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
      nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
Though a thousand fall at your side,
      though ten thousand are dying around you,
      these evils will not touch you.
Psalm 91:4-7

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