Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Florida; the first post

I have been slow to post about our trip.

Mainly because I have been trying to think of the best way to document it...
without sounding...
like a brat.

But if I am not honest... I am not me...
so here goes.

So far this trip has been work.

We flew out early Sunday morning.
Early, as in we were up by 3:00am and out the door before 4:00am.

Our 6:10 flight wasn't too bad.

Lance was boarded first, and he held seats for Maddox and I.
We were the first seats on the plane (the ones with the extra leg room) and seated opposite the flight attendants.

They got a kick out of Maddox's excitement, and everyone got a good laugh when Maddox shouted, "we're above the clouds and so close to God!"
The sweet attendants even took him to meet the pilots, once we landed.

Beckham was decent.
Ignoring my iced caramel macchiato, that he kicked out of my hand, spilling into the floor-- I'd say he was better than decent.

We had a 2 1/2 hour lay-over in Houston and both of my boys were tired.
Or whatever word you use to describe the emotion beyond tired.

There were a few tears shed in Houston.

Lance bounced Beckham to sleep, once- but after about 3 minutes-- he tried to hand him to me, even despite me begging him to stay still-- knowing he would wake.
He woke.

Lance and I shared a few coarse words between each other in Hobby International Airport, to which I replied, "happy mother's day" "happy mother's day", "happy mother's day"-- as I chased the unruly tot again and again, as my only rebuttal.

Finally boarded the plane, Maddox was asleep in minutes-- and snoozed our entire flight.
Beckham fought like hell...
randomly screamed, and was turning into handstands, just to keep from sleeping.

The flight attendant on this flight was hysterical over the intercom, and very friendly too.
She brought me a vodka and cranberry, telling me that "it is 5:00 somewhere", and asked Lance to stand with Beckham and walk him.
He embarrassingly obliged.

I drank before noon.
On a Sunday.

Finally landing in Jacksonville, we found our rental car and made it to our hotel.

Together we took a nap as a family and then awoke for dinner--
but were quickly back to bed.

Well, everyone but Beckham went back to bed.
He wouldn't sleep in the crib in our room-- however, unlike his leach-of-a-brother, he's never been a fan of co-sleeping either.
It was a fight.

He finally cried himself out, and slept across the top of our heads, feet entwined in my hair.

Monday, we were all awake by 6:00.
(5:00, home-time)
Lance took the car-- leaving me and my terrible two-some to soak in our 200 square feet together.

The hotel has a great breakfast place and we have eaten breakfast every morning, there.

Maddox is like blue healer; a ball of energy-- begging to be released.
Beckham; just bad.
He refused to nap, but instead cried and cried and cried and screamed and threw fits.
And wants to nurse like a newborn... not like the weaning 12 month old, that he is.

I developed a productive cough and my voice sounds like I am on 'roids.
My ears are full of pressure and I have had a headache since we landed.

So far, the vacation was far from a pleasure.

Rain kept us from doing much when Lance got out of class on Monday, but we did find a nice little diner to which I filled myself on vegetable soup and as many home-style vegetables as I could order. 

Monday night, Beckham fought sleep again.

Finally, against Lance's judgement, I made him cry it out in his crib.
And 10 minutes was all it took, before he gave up.
And slept.

Lance picked us up for lunch yesterday where we tried "the best BBQ in town".
They have nothing on Texas BBQ.
Not even close.  ;)
But it was nice to get out and to meet the people in Lance's class.

After Lance got out yesterday, we headed for the Atlantic ocean.
Minutes after pulling in, it started to rain.

We ignored it.

Finally, this travel across states, seemed like a vacation.
We were going to make the most of the sea.
And we had fun!

Because of the rain, however, I didn't change the boys into their swimwear, but since we were all smiling and having fun-- I ignored my normal structured personality, and let them play.
Salt-water-soggy-diaper and all.

Maddox laughed and kicked and squealed the entire time-- smothered in smiles across his face.

Beckham was such a dare-devil and would run straight into the water, laughing the entire way.

My hair quickly curled up beside my ears, and within minutes we were all wet and covered in white sand.

We came home for showers and then tried a local Mexican food joint that was absolutely magnificent.

Maddox crashed against Lance last night, and I was able to move him into his crib without waking him.

Today, has been trying again.
I have not seen another child, one, in the hotel-- so I constantly feel like we are a side show at the circus, amongst all of the suits and business-folk around here.

We haven't ventured to the hotel pool...
because neither of my kids can swim,
and standing in water-- with a kid on each hip--
just standing...
doesn't sound too appealing.

Maddox has been okay... other than me feeling sorry for him.
He wants to go home.
Where he can play with his friends and he keeps clarifying with me that this isn't his real home.
Rocking my socks off.
Part of me wonders if this feeling I have for him right now, is that feeling that postpartumly depressed mom's have to their newborns.
It is terrible to admit...
but he is awful.
I don't understand how he can go 11 months with a certain (easy, passive, calm) personality--
and them BAM!, he's the world's worst baby.
Just like that.

I don't know why I can not make him happy and it is probably the most empty and emotional feeling that I have ever had.
I don't know what I am doing wrong...
and worse,
I have no idea where to begin, so that I can fix it.

I have looked through these pictures again and again...
before pressing "publish", and I know I have a lot to be thankful for.

I know that we are blessed to be 'here' and not home... where life is just normal.

But I like normal.
Where life is 'easy'.
Because this....

This is not easy.

It is exhausting.


  1. Oh Holly, that sounds like how any vacation we would attempt would turn out. That is why Chris never wants to go anywhere. At least you are all well.

    I have no advise for you, but I truly hope it gets better.

    Loving the photo op, though - it looks like you're having fun! :)

  2. Vacations are so hard with little ones. You have in your mind how it is going to be but then once you get there it does not happen. I feel like when we are on vacation I am trying to make everyone happy and not fight. The kids get up early and go to bed is just hard. Like you said when you look back on the pictures you think of the good things that happened when you were there and yes you have some beautiful pictures.

    My little guy was a very unhappy baby..there was NOTHING I could do to make him happy. He really cried for the first 8 months but it took a good year and a half to start to see the cute guy he really is. I know how emotional tiring it is.

  3. First of all...your beach pictures are the one of the boys from behind!
    2nd, your emotions are normal...and unfortunately I think those feelings of feeling empty or wondering what you can do to change things probably continues until the kids are out of the house! The last couple of days have been trying here with the eye rolls and the smart comments. Couldn't wait for my son to get on the bus this morning with his bratty self! Beckham sleep habits remind me of how Brady was when he was that age. He would only sleep in his anytime we were out or away from home, he was miserable b/c he couldn't fall asleep. I remember when he was 3 mos. we went to the beach with 4 other couples and their toddler kids. Brady wouldn't sleep and se we were taking him for stroller rides late at night and walking him around...our friends were looking at us like we were "new" parents and didn't know what we were doing. Oh, how I remember that awful feeling of wanting to make Brady feel better, and thinking we made a huge mistake in going on vacation. Try and make the most of this's good for all of you to change it up a bit...even if it's hard. :)

  4. I sure hope things start to look up for y'all, and good luck on the flight home! If you find any releaf w B please let me know! Jax is unfOurtunatly going threw the same thing. Fit after fit after FiT! I feel your pain!

  5. And vacations are supposed to be relaxing right...but not until the kids are grown...or at least at home with the grandparents. Cute post. I remember all of that. It still happens actually. Just at a different level. Hang in there. These are family memories!

  6. Girlfriend, I hear you on every single word here. I love going away with Boyd and Kevin b/c of the great memories and adventure and fun photos...but it's not vacation, it is work, with little ones. On my last 2 trips with Boyd, he just wanted to go back to the hotel. He said that over and over and over. I know he's only 4, but I wanted to shout, we came all this way and spent money and we are NOT just going to go back to the hotel. :)

    I love all of your pictures. I love that you are real and honest. I have SO been there, exactly where you are in this post. I know you will love the good memories from this trip, and after a while, that is all you will remember.


  7. holly, first off i feel bad for laughing at your stressfull times but your boys are adorable! i know a little how you feel about beckhams change in attitude ( wyatt's been a bit trying at times lately as well) but the fact that your aware of how lucky you are to have them both makes you a great mom!! i know you dont need any advice on how its just a phase he's going through so until it passes it helps to remind your self of how lucky you are! and when our husbands piss us off sometimes, like we all know they can do, think about how lucky you are that you have a husband that whole heartedly loves your childeren. oh and who needs L.V or tiffany's... ill take forever 21 over those anyday! ~leslee.