It is time...

We are finally moving back into our home in Haslet.
It is definitely bitter sweet.

Tonight, as I lie here crying... Realizing that last night was our last night ever to sleep there--
It feels more bitter than sweet.

I always use to tell Lance that I missed apartment because it felt more "homey"...
The farm house had that same feel.

Maddox doesn't remember our old house...
so to him, we are leaving his home.

We are leaving my parents...
Who's home is just through the field.

We are leaving the land that has give Maddox hours and hours of play....
And the house we brought Beckham home to.

We are leaving a simpler life...
Fresh air...
Starry skies...
Cows...
The ponds...
The front porch swing...
People waving when you pass eachother on the road...
Dinner at moms when I have nothing to cook...
Deer, coyotes, fox (or is it foxes?!)...
Friendly faces and family friends everywhere we go.
Home.

I know we were only here 11 months--
And there were things about this house I hated...

But I miss it already,
And I will count the days we can get back.

I pray the housing market picks up and we can sell and build by the time Maddox starts kindergarten.
It may be a stretch (with a 3 year time frame)
But that is our goal.

I wanted to post a few pictures from the farm house...
Some of the quirky things I will miss...
But I'm on my phone and I can't figure it out?!

Maybe in another post...
For now I will just sap into Lance's shoulder....
And hopefully pass out--

We have a full day tomorrow, packing up and moving over the rest of my things!
Bring on the 800 degree heat!!

jibber jabber- randomness

*We got some amazing news tonight...
That's about all I can say about it at this point--
which I know is uber-annoying...
but I will fill you in later.
Promise.
But it is good.
Really good.


*In other news:
Beckham has been taking a binky!!!

kind of... when he is really sleepy.

but we have progress.

Would you check out the persistence of this momma!!!

And... he put himself to sleep in his Bumbo yesterday.
I know it is a little pitiful to see him all slumped over- sitting up- sleeping...
But this is front page news for me!!
Woo hoo!!!

But... he woke up sick this morning.
Lots of snot and congestion...
not nursing well and doing this gaspy thing that was making me have a panic attack.
I yell for Lance in those situations...
I may be a nurse...but I like him to take over!
And he does a good job of "calm".


*Speaking of taking over...
Today was his day off and he threw me a major- bone!
He and Maddox let me and snotty-pants sleep in until 11:00!!
WHAT?!
Got up, made breakfast, straightened the house a little and was playing cars with the boy when Beckham and I strolled in.

Then Lance got called out for a fire and Maddox cried when he was trying to leave.
Lance could tell that they were going to get disregarded but he pretended that Maddox could go too...
Maddox threw on some clothes... jumped in the car seat and off they went.
A couple of minutes down the road, he was disregarded so he and Maddox went to the gas station instead, for a treat.
They came home and threw rocks in the pond... and finally came in all sweaty and red.
Have I mentioned I am going to miss this place?

They had a fabulous daddy-son day!


*Speaking of 'this place'; I have packed two boxes.
Two.
We move next week.
Lance packed a few more while I was at work tonight...
but seriously.
--and I had Maddox out of my hair all day.  I have no excuse.


*What I did find [in my 2-box packing] was an old picture.
Hotness.
Lance looks the exact same, and I look like a blonde Ugly Betty.
Pink nails, braces, pre-lasix...swoon.
Luckily, Lance signed up for stocks before they sky-rocketted.
You know, fell in love with a participation ribbon-- locked it in-- and then found out it was really every bit a 6th place pink ribbon 9 years later.
I am by no means calling myself pretty now...
but then, I was a mess.

I know you want to see it...
So I'll share.

Wait for it.

BAM!!

Yeah, that's right.
I was pitiful.
And he loved me anyways.


*Which made me realize...
I don't know that I have ever been hit on by a stranger.
I was reading a friend's blog about her getting hit on-- and I seriously can't remember a single incidence.
I know what you are thinking-- "see picture above..."
But really, I don't.
I've been flirted with I think...
Is that the same thing?
I'm so not in the game.

Let's pray Lance never leaves me...
Can you imagine?
I'm funny... and nice...
but not sexy or hot.  [at all]
And I'm pretty sure those two are the key to single life.


*Speaking of "not hip"-- I hate short hand.
My sister makes fun of me because my texts are "so proper" she says...
but really, is it that much harder to add the a and the e to "are"?
And I have seen people write "cum" on FB... as in "r u going 2 cum c us?"
Let's get this straight::
that word, misspelled-- or "short-handed" means two completely different things...
one is highly inappropriate for FB in its literal usage.
I cringe every time I read it.
Just make it easy for me... put in a little extra effort to type all of the letters, that way I don't have to feel like a 90 year old trying and dictate what you are saying.


*Music.
I love it.
Every song or band makes me think of someone or a memory.
When I hear Clapton, I can automatically see my dad sitting on his couch stirring his bloody mary with his celery...
My dad didn't drink a lot, but this particular memory always comes to mind.
PDiddy:: my friend Chrissi.  Her and I would listen to songs over and over trying to memorize every word.
Poison::  Katie La.  (who happens to be a member of their fan club)
Old School Pat Green, Cory morrow, and Jack Ingram:: my husband and our early dating days, and parties at the Starnes place.
You get the idea...

Today while driving into work I turned my station to rock...
I don't normally listen to rock but song after song was Ozzy, Metallica, Pantera, etc. which made me think of my brother and his friends.  There was about 10 of them who were always together and were the best of friends...

it threw me back into the memories of them, and being "the little sister"... and made me so excited to have boys.

Girls absolutely have their perks too...

But boys are just so fun and simple and loyal.

No drama.

I definitely don't want to grow my boys up... but I can't wait for them to experience those days.

*Chase of pace again.

I have a blogger friend named Nicolle.  Her passion is feeding the hungry.

I can be honest, before following her, I was very judgemental about the homeless.

I had seen too many episodes of 'Interention' and I had thought that they were all on drugs.

I had seen 20/20 where they fake being homeless.

And before Lance lost his job-- sent out hundreds of resumes without a response, I had thought "get a job" when I saw one begging.

And then Nicolle made me see a whole other side.

They are someone's kid.

They have hearts and feelings just like everyone of us... and our often times forgotten.

It isn't our job to judge why they are homeless, but if we can help we should.

I tell you all of this to share a small story.

Yesterday, while stopped at a stop-light, I saw a man and women holding a sign.

I was watching them... in the horrible heat and I got sappy.

I had no cash on me (and still don't know how I feel about giving cash anyway.)

And I had no food.

The longer I watched them, the more my heart broke for them.

I started looking in my back seat for a bag of goldfish or cookies or something of Maddox's, but I had nothing.

Then I remembered a bag of chewy sweet tarts that my husband had surprised me by slipping into my pumping bag.

I wanted to give something... but I had nothing, really.

So I rolled down my window and told him that.

I said, "you are welcome to my sweat tarts if you would like them..."

He smiled and said thank you and then took them back to his companion and shared them.

I cried my head off.

I know that a bag of chewy sweet tarts was a pitiful gift to them...

and I wish I had more.

but then I thought, I like when Lance surprises me with a bag....

Maybe it gave them a little joy too.

I am no Nicolle... but she should feel good about all of the little seeds she has planted.

Now I want to help.

And sadly, there was a time that it was not on my radar at all.

*I'm off to bed.

I already had to call Amanda at midnight for nursing advise on Beckham.

(That should make you feel good about your on-call nurse[me])

In my defense, I can do fever... [maddox has ran over 106]

but I hate snot.

And everything is different when it is your own baby gasping.

Now, pardon me while I suction him one last time for good measure.

Today, I will choose JOY.

Happiness is a choice.
I have to remind myself of that.


Maddox is three.

He is changing before my eyes.

Two was good to us...
but I have been fearful of three.

Validated fear.

He is learning to talk back.
Doing things just one more time to see if I really will hold true to my word.
Talking like an adult.

"No offense momma..."

"I suppose..."

"In that case..."

Acting as if my house is made of trampolines.
My couch, a spring-board.
Saying, "why?" about everything.
Staying 2" from Beckham's face stealing his every breath.
Sleeping in my bed with his feet and elbows and bony-behind shoved into me all night.
Staying an inch off of my coat tail...
And spending his day thinking of new ways to drive me crazy.

I love him.

More than words can describe.

But he makes some days hard.
And long.

Beckham will be 3 months on Friday.

He still will not take a binky.
He still cries if the car is stopped.
He still wakes up to nurse every 2-5 hours at night.
He is the happiest baby in the world --when I am holding him.
Smiles often, showing his beautiful gums...
But he cries non-stop if he is set down.
[so I hold him a lot.]

I love him.
Eternally.

But I have a lot to do.

I need to pack this house up.
We move next week.
I need to call and get tv, internet, electricity, water, and food ordered....
Make a menu...

I need to
Teach Maddox more...
Turn off his tv.
Get off the internet.
Learn how to coupon.
Be a better wife.
Clean.
Lists.  Lists.  Lists.

I feel a bit overwhelmed.
I feel like Everyone has a list for me.
But I'm not sure I am on anyone's list at all.

I know that it is normal...
I remember my mom making dinner and always eating last-- making sure everyone else had enough.
Or saying she was full, even if she really wasn't but could tell that someone else wanted more.
I find myself doing the same thing.
It is just the mark of the mom, I guess.
It's what I yearned for in life.

But it still sucks when you realize this has come true...
and you are no longer anyone's priority...
but everyone is yours.

I just felt like a frump last night.
Not cool.
Not cute.
Not happy.
Not enough.

Lance listened and offered encouragement.
(which honestly just made me feel like such a un-deserving wife... and highlighted how mean I can be to him and un-failing he is to me)
More tears.

And my amazing friends reminded me that I am not alone.

I started the day talking to Kimberly, her frustrations mirroring mine.
She actually used the phrase, "sometimes it feels like groundhog day"... and I agreed.

I ended the night talking to Amanda who always has the exact words to lift me up.
And can tell me from experience that this will pass.

I love that me and my friends all had our babies together.
Because on my longest days they remind me that I am not alone...
and make me laugh...
And remind me that I need me-time...
even if I never really take it.

[I should add that to my guide to pregnancy:: 

"Have your babies with your friends.  That way, when you feel like your child is morphing into a monster, your friend's kids will be too... and you will know it is normal and will pass.
Or together, they will attack the world"]

Today was a better day.
Today I chose happiness.

My kids were better.
I was joyful.

[still not cute or cool...  but happy]

I am not sure if it was my conscious decision...
or luck.

Either way,
I am obliged.






**Now I have to go finish an argument conversation with my husband...
as good as he made me feel last night,
he did the oposite tonight.
Jerk.  :)
(everything seems nicer when you follow it with a smiley!)

He will not steal my happy cloud though.
I'm a joyful rockstar!
--with an occasional side of sappy-ness...

Hey, I'm a work-in-progress!  :)

quiet

I spent my morning doing something I never do.

Sitting.
Reading.
Relaxing.
Enjoying quiet.


I was on call... and I hit a record for the slowest day I have ever had behind the pager.

Beckham was good...
because he was touching me all day.

Most of the day...

But he did take a nap, without his ear pressed against my heart.
That was nice.

I cleaned a little.

My mom took Maddox to Chuck E. Cheese for a birthday party.

Maddox is still not aware that the place is open for play other than birthdays.
I'm not that cool of a mom.
When I think of Chuck...
I think of staph, and flu and pink eye and SARS.

None of which has Maddox picked up from either visit...
but you never know.  ;)

Either way, it wore him out.
And when I got this picture from mom...
I was excited that my quiet was going to continue.

But I've been wrong before...

Beckham woke up.

Maddox was on a sugar high.

Lance came home.

Nothing was quiet.

The house looked like crap again in no time.

That's life.
The life I chose.

I'm not really complaining...
Just stating the facts.

What's quiet??

Maybe I will meet it again one day...
In another 3 years or so.

prayer works

We had a pastor once named Brady Boyd who did a sermon over praying specifically for what you want.

He and his wife tried for years to have a baby and after tapping out all of the funds that they could with fertility doctors and such, they gave it to God.
He prayed for a healthy baby, but specifically he continuously prayed for a red headed, blue eyed, little girl....
After years of trying they had a boy and were filled with joy.
Completely blessed.
Happy.

A few years went by and he still felt as if he and his wife would have another baby.
Because he knew God would answer his specific prayer, he and his wife continued praying but didn't share their prayer with anyone else.
One morning, his best friend called him and told him of a dream he had and he thought that they were going to have another baby.
He said he saw her so vividly in his sleep... she had red hair and blue eyes.
(his friend never knew about the prayer)
This just gave them more hope and they continually prayed for their little girl.

About that time during the sermon, a huge picture of a little girl in her soccer uniform popped up on the big screen and I don't think I even have to tell you what she looked like.

There was not a dry eye in the house when he was finished telling his story....
And that sermon has stuck with me.

***
I honestly spend most of my prayers giving thanks,
because though I do not have much in the physical sense...
I have more than a lot of folks,
and am over-blessed with healthy, smart, beautiful children...
an unfailing husband...
a loving family...
and unbelievable, genuine friends.

Seriously.
I know that I am blessed.

I always pray for the health and protection of my babies but when I feel anxious about a certain condition, disorder, illness, etc... I give that specific worry to God.

***
Recently, I have been praying that this move back to Haslet be manageable.
Specifically that this first month not do us in.
We will have the same monster gas bill, plus the extra gas of driving back and forth moving, plus the more-than-doubled mortgage again, etc.

I pray that being back in the city, doesn't turn me into the money-minded lunatic I once was.
It was draining to our marriage.
Money and things I wanted, sometimes masked the beauty and blessings in my lap.
Lance thinks I have changed for the better in the last year.
I too, think I have changed out here in this quaint little house.
I pray that I can stay in this mind-set and financially it all works out. 

***
Today, I had a wild idea that I would get our house refinanced to make this an easier adjustment.
When looking through the file cabinet to find our loan information, I ran across an envelope, still unopened, from our mortgage company.
We had over-paid our escrow by $600 and they cut us a check!! (in March)
I guess we just assumed it was another bill, and it was tucked away in the file labeled "mortgage", sealed, since we pay all of our bills online, and that one is always the same.
I called them to get the logistics of it all and found out that they had cut us one last year too that we never cashed so they were going to re-send it also!!
Are you reading this?
$1200, free and clear... just like that.

On top of that, the girl scheduled to be on call tonight called in sick and I was able to pick up an extra call!!
Work from home...
easy money.
unplanned-for money.

My specific prayer was answered!!

***
And so was Maddox's...

A few night ago, I worked at a new office and was told about a family who's little boy is fighting cancer.
Thankful and fearful, I felt like I should give EXTRA thanks...
and specifically pray that cancer stay clear from my boys.

That night, rather than doing Maddox's singy-prayer with him, where at the end he lists as many people he can think of... a few random things... and the ends with "and bless all of my family and friends", I prayed out loud over him.

I have done this before, but never when he was awake.

When I was done, he said, "thank you."
Very mature and sincere as if he completely understood the entire thing.

We cuddled up a bit longer and then he said, "can you teach me how to pray for you like that mommy?" and I said,"sure!  Just close your eyes, open your heart and ask God for anything you want or need"

[Maybe I should have been a bit more specific.]

He clasped his tiny hands together, closed his baby eyes, and said, "God..... I would like a red cupcake."  :)

Apparently, he didn't completely understand all of it...
but he did help himself to a red cupcake for breakfast the next morning!!!
[He ate the top, and then stuffed the rest in a pot in the cabinet for me to find later while unloading the dishwasher!!!]

***
And finally...

We were at lunch the other day and Lance had got on to Maddox a few times for being up and down and loud and obnoxious-- multiple times...
Finally, Lance's tone changed, and it was obvious that Maddox was down to his last chance.
Just as Lance said, "Maddox!!..." in his stern-daddy voice,
Maddox bowed his head, closed his eyes, clasped his hands together and said, "now I lay me down to sleep..."

Situation deferred!

And I think Maddox would agree,
prayer works!

The Firefighter Bash

I was spinning circles trying to get everything put together, talk to everyone, and keep people entertained, that I didn't take hardly any pictures.
Thankfully, my camera was passed around and some shots were taken for me.
Here is a glimpse at our day on Saturday.

the favors.

the bounce house and water slide.

A few of the guests.

 the fun.

 

the cupcakes.

the presents.

the after-party

Sunday we took Maddox to see Cars 2 for his actual birthday.  He and Beckham, both, did awesome and though I could barely hold my eyes open for pure exhaustion, I thought it was pretty cute too!

36 months, infinity of love, happy birthday baby boy

They didn't have you where I came from

Never knew the best was yet to come

Life began when I saw your face

And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough?

Is forever enough?

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough?

Cause I am never giving you up. 

I slip in bed when you are asleep

Hold you close and feel you breath on me

Tomorrow there will be so much to do

So tonight, I'll drift in a dream with you.

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough?

Is forever enough?

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough?

Cause I'm never, never giving you up.

As you wander through this troubled world,

In search of all things beautiful

you can close your eyes when you are miles away

and hear my voice like a seranade.

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough?

Is forever enough?

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough?

Cause I am never, never giving you up.

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough?

Is forever enough?

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough?

Cause I am never, never giving you up.

Is forever enough?

Cause I am never, never giving you up.

-Lullaby, Dixie Chicks