Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Today, I will choose JOY.

Happiness is a choice.
I have to remind myself of that.

Maddox is three.

He is changing before my eyes.

Two was good to us...
but I have been fearful of three.

Validated fear.

He is learning to talk back.
Doing things just one more time to see if I really will hold true to my word.
Talking like an adult.
"No offense momma..."
"I suppose..."
"In that case..."
Acting as if my house is made of trampolines.
My couch, a spring-board.
Saying, "why?" about everything.
Staying 2" from Beckham's face stealing his every breath.
Sleeping in my bed with his feet and elbows and bony-behind shoved into me all night.
Staying an inch off of my coat tail...
And spending his day thinking of new ways to drive me crazy.

I love him.

More than words can describe.

But he makes some days hard.
And long.

Beckham will be 3 months on Friday.

He still will not take a binky.
He still cries if the car is stopped.
He still wakes up to nurse every 2-5 hours at night.
He is the happiest baby in the world --when I am holding him.
Smiles often, showing his beautiful gums...
But he cries non-stop if he is set down.
[so I hold him a lot.]

I love him.

But I have a lot to do.

I need to pack this house up.
We move next week.
I need to call and get tv, internet, electricity, water, and food ordered....
Make a menu...

I need to
Teach Maddox more...
Turn off his tv.
Get off the internet.
Learn how to coupon.
Be a better wife.
Lists.  Lists.  Lists.

I feel a bit overwhelmed.
I feel like Everyone has a list for me.
But I'm not sure I am on anyone's list at all.

I know that it is normal...
I remember my mom making dinner and always eating last-- making sure everyone else had enough.
Or saying she was full, even if she really wasn't but could tell that someone else wanted more.
I find myself doing the same thing.
It is just the mark of the mom, I guess.
It's what I yearned for in life.

But it still sucks when you realize this has come true...
and you are no longer anyone's priority...
but everyone is yours.

I just felt like a frump last night.
Not cool.
Not cute.
Not happy.
Not enough.

Lance listened and offered encouragement.
(which honestly just made me feel like such a un-deserving wife... and highlighted how mean I can be to him and un-failing he is to me)
More tears.

And my amazing friends reminded me that I am not alone.

I started the day talking to Kimberly, her frustrations mirroring mine.
She actually used the phrase, "sometimes it feels like groundhog day"... and I agreed.

I ended the night talking to Amanda who always has the exact words to lift me up.
And can tell me from experience that this will pass.

I love that me and my friends all had our babies together.
Because on my longest days they remind me that I am not alone...
and make me laugh...
And remind me that I need me-time...
even if I never really take it.
[I should add that to my guide to pregnancy:: 
"Have your babies with your friends.  That way, when you feel like your child is morphing into a monster, your friend's kids will be too... and you will know it is normal and will pass.
Or together, they will attack the world"]

Today was a better day.
Today I chose happiness.

My kids were better.
I was joyful.

[still not cute or cool...  but happy]

I am not sure if it was my conscious decision...
or luck.

Either way,
I am obliged.

**Now I have to go finish an argument conversation with my husband...
as good as he made me feel last night,
he did the oposite tonight.
Jerk.  :)
(everything seems nicer when you follow it with a smiley!)

He will not steal my happy cloud though.
I'm a joyful rockstar!
--with an occasional side of sappy-ness...

Hey, I'm a work-in-progress!  :)


  1. We are all works in progress. Praying for peace and much more joy for you! :)) I had a lot of the feeling you wrote about over the last week. Like here I am taking care of everyone else, and who even cares about ME anymore. I don't want to turn in to a selfish person, but I felt lost/alone. I wound up bawling all weekend. Unleashing all of my emotions on Kevin. I've been in a major funk and I don't like it. Too many demands on me and my time and I have felt at the end of my rope....and I have felt like no one even cares, when I have been reaching out for help.

    OK. After saying all of that I have felt a little better since yesterday, I think.

    You have a lot on your plate, especially with a move and a tiny new baby. Praying for you that all goes well. Praying for you during the 3s with Maddox too. You can do it! It's definitely more difficult than 2, but it's doable and fun. Boyd also does that grown up talk, and it makes me laugh. Some days are really, really trying and I have wanted to throw in the towel, but then I remember I love this job despite the hard (ass) days!


  2. I love how honest you are Holly. You have so many feelings that we all share. Three is a hard age, but one I would go back to in an instant if I could. Things will also start to get easier with Beckham. It's such a busy time for you...things will get done. I think you're a perfectionist like many of us moms...but things don't need to be perfect all the time. Give yourself a break....you deserve it!
    Hope today was a good one!