Sunday, November 21, 2010

So much to say.....

I know it has only been 5 days since I posted but I have so much to say....

As most all of my blog readers know by now, we are having another baby boy.
It was really fun having Maddox there and experiencing the sono through his eyes as well as ours!
He was really excited and we talked about all of the cool things he could teach his baby brother the entire way home.
I do not doubt for a second that he will be an amazing big brother.

When we first got the news, I was instantly excited.
Lance too smiled but then touched my leg and said, "We aren't done.  We will get a girl, babe."
In that moment I thought that was strange. 
I was excited.

Or I thought I was.

In my heart of hearts, I thought this was a girl.
I had played both sides of the margin through my head and was content with whichever way the cards may fall...
But I think that was because I thought I knew where they were falling.

It wasn't until I was back in the room with Dr Deem (Lance and Maddox had gone to the car) and she asked me, "a boy huh?  Are you okay?" And I realized I wasn't.  I wasn't okay at all.
I had gained another 3 lbs (6 pounds total-- I had gained 5 total at this point during Maddox pregnancy) and my BP was still great... but the rest of my time with Dr Deem was spent gasping into tissues. 

I spent 2 days crying.
And feeling alone, and selfish, and mad, and confused.
I cried more in those 2 days than I have in years.

I have said before that I am lucky to have married such a compassionate, patient, and caring man.
But this valley that I crawled through only emphasized how absolutely amazing he really is.
I knew that I should be excited.  We are having a healthy baby.  And a lot of people do not get that kind of news during this visit.
But it didn't matter.
I couldn't turn off my feelings.

Lance never told me how I should feel, or acted as if he was tired of seeing me cry, or reminded me what I had to be happy about... because he knew I already knew all of those things.
What he did was hold me.
And promised me that he wouldn't close the door on me for more babies.
And told me that I was the perfect mom to Maddox (a boy) and God knew what he was doing.
He helped me look ahead to the awesome things that 2 boys would bring into my life.
And help me see that God is in control of our life.
And reminded me that there is a reason God thought Maddox needed a brother.
And I needed another son.
And he is right.

My husband is a good, good man.
And you should know, as well as he does-- I love him to my core.
I can admit, now-- days later, that I was a little depressed about another boy, because it is no longer how I feel.
I am ready to be a mommy to another boy.

My mom, my husband, and a few very select friends held my hand through the rut.
And Candace helped most because she too went through this when finding out she was having a girl.
She told me, "You are grieving the loss of a girl, be patient. You will feel normal in time, I promise"
And I do.
And I'm back on top.
I remain the only princess to reign as an Erwin in this house.

We are having another baby boy.
And we are excited.
He will be as cute as Maddox.
His daddy will teach him all of the things his big brother has already mastered.
And he will adore his momma, just like his big brother already does!

I now look pregnant.
This body change came yesterday.

Change of pace:
Maddox loves matching games on my phone. 
I videoed him playing one so I could prove how fast he is at beating the game... but then I realized how boring it was for you to see him click squares until they all match up and then hear him say, "yay, I did it!"
Trust me, he's good!

He always says the funniest things.
A few from this week:
[we pull into Mexican Inn]
"That's a really big clock momma!"
"It sure is!"
"Yeah, it is TREMENDOUS!!!"
[Lance and I laugh hard... tremendous, really?!]

[Maddox comes into the kitchen smiling from ear to ear]
"knock knock momma"
"who's there Maddox?"
"Orange who?"
[and then laughs hysterically as if he didn't leave out 1/2 the joke!]

Maddox still tells us things are "interwesting", "dewicious" and "beautiful all of the time.
[we were at Olive Garden for my sister's birthday and the little boy behind us was acting up]
"He's a bad boy, he's getting a spanking from his mommy"
"hush Maddox, turn around"
"Look at him mom, his mommy spanks him like daddy spanks me!"
"Maddox hush, you don't need to commentate"
"But I love him mom, he's beautiful!"
[aaaaaand now he's the weird kid!!]

Tonight he fell asleep while standing up!

Changing again:
He was far from funny this Saturday at the mall, when Maddox went missing.
We parked at Dillard's (as we always do) but on the little girl's side, because we were looking for outfits for my niece Ellie for Christmas.
We had taken the crappy umbrella stroller, which he hates... and can control the pace of by putting his feet down or simply standing up, leaving the stroller strapped to his back like a turtle.
So to forgo a fight, I let him walk.
Big mistake. Big. HUGE.
(that was for anyone who loved Pretty Woman as much as I did!)

We were in the store maybe 30 minutes when I found an outfit for Ellie Belly and was ready to check out.
I literally looked down at Maddox, pulled my debit card out of my wallet, handed it to the cashier, and heard my mom say, "where's Maddox?"
I didn't panic, because remember-- I just saw him.
She said his name a couple of times and started walking around the cash register looking for him.
I said his names a few times too, still not panicked, but got no response.
I then started counting... (he never lets me get past 2.) 
1... 2... 3...

Panic started easing on.

Mom and I both walked out into the hallway that splits the little girl's section and started saying his name louder, while crouching down and looking between racks, and checking other sections-- baby section, shoes, boys....
But no Maddox.

A few people made laughy-type comments, "oh-- someone's lost" ...others looked on with a sad face as if they felt for us but gave no assistance... but a few helpful 10 or so started looking with us.
Minutes went by (which felt like years) and my mom nor I either one were very calm.
The worker called security and had the cameras zoomed in.
I had gone outside to the bell ringer and asked, "Have you seen a little boy come out this door wearing a white Polo shirt and orange hat?" 
I mean, I knew down to the detail of his outfit- white Polo with a navy blue horse, burnt orange UT hat with his name stitched on the side, dark demin jeans from Crazy eight, brown stride rite velcro shoes, white socks with grey bottoms and a Luvs diaper, size 4.
I could sketch the profile of this child with my left hand in the dark.
I just couldn't find him.

Both crying and yelling Maddox's name through tears...
It felt like we were never going to find him.
I knew that if he could hear me he would come.
Maddox can not stand to see me upset-- so with no movement, no"I'm right here momma!", no giggling--I was already anticipating the worst.
All I could think about was the host of America's Most Wanted's son Adam, and the phone call I was going to have to make to his daddy.
How empty I already felt.
How I already could not breathe without him....

My mom had already traveled to the other side of Dillard's still screaming and scared when a worker said, I found him!!  He's right here!!!"

Talk about emotions...
Though my heart wanted to kiss his and squeeze him and stick him back in my papoose where he would be safe forever...
my adrenaline and emotion took over.

As soon as I could touch him, he was being spanked.
I do not believe I have ever had a crowd for such a thing before but I didn't care.
Maddox was crying too at this point saying he was sorry...
and an older lady ran in between him and I reminding me that he was safe.

It was the scariest 7 or 8 minutes of my life.

He was strapped back into that stroller for the rest of the day.

Final topic change:

Lance's step dad was diagnoses with stage 4 Melanoma in his brain a couple of months ago.
He completed radiation and is now going through chemotherapy with no positive response.
They originally removed the largest tumor but the others have continued to grow, and one has now surpassed the size of the largest tumor originally removed.
Throughout this process, multiple times he has been given days or weeks to live, but keeps kicking their numbers, but everyone seems to think this time he is truly is down to just days.
Lance and his brother are heading down to see him and be there for support for his mom tomorrow and will not come home until Wednesday evening.
I pray that they have a safe trip, and are able to keep good spirits about them during this difficult time.
I hate that Lance's Thanksgiving break is going to be spent this way... since he goes back to work Thursday,
but I know he needs to go.
And more importantly, his mom needs them there with her.
I feel so bad for his mom.
(and obviously for his step-dad too)
It is such a terrible thing.

Life is short.
And unexpected.

Please pray for Kenneth.
And for Janet, Lance's mom.

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