Pregnancy and nursing took care of that annoying wench from coming around every 28 days.
For 22 months I didn't buy tampons, never felt bloated, bitchy or nuts.
But then she returned.
Just days after Maddox's first birthday, I was greeted with a tsunami of emotions, a tidal wave of cramps, and the blessed period, whom I never missed.
For the first time in my life I had real PMS.
Each month it worsened little by little, mostly on the emotional side of things.
In recent months I despised it. I could tell when the symptoms were coming on, and would warn my husband that the beast was coming out.
We would jump on that train and ride.
It was typically a bumpy ride.
I talked to my OB/GYN in March about herbal remedies, because I didn't want to go the birth control route. (I am married and I think I earned the right to keep hormone therapy out of my body.) and I didn't want to medicate with a mood stimulator either, because when I wasn't PMSing, I was my normal, happy self.
Each month would creep up however, and it felt worse than the one it's previous.
Symptoms seemed to come sooner each month and began lasting closer to two weeks, rather than one.
Sometimes I was emotional, other times down right evil.
Sometimes I seemed withdrawn, because I would try and eat my sensitive feelings, mean thoughts/ words, and just came across flat or uncaring.
June was bad.
July was worse.
It came to a point that I thought, "I don't want to be married, I don't want to be 'here'. I hate this feeling I have. I am done."
Lance would patiently say, "okay, I'll just give you a few days to roll out of this... you always do."
And I would.
I would beat myself up over the way I acted, or the thoughts I had, once it was all over. I would worry that I would end up like others I know who checked out at some point and never came back.
All that they lost...
All that they missed...
All because of something going crazy inside their brain.
I talked to my best friends about what I was going through. Most of them told me that they too has PMS issues after having their kids, and knew exactly what I was talking about.
One of these friends assured me that medication would make me like myself more and talked me into calling my doctor.
Three separate times I called.
The first time I hung up. I rationed with myself that if I flattened the sad, mad, bad emotions... I would inevitably flatten the belly laughs, outgoing, big loving, fun side of me too.
The 2nd time I waited forever on hold. And again, hung up.
The 3rd time, I was disconnected as they attempted to transfer me to the nurse's voice mail.
I took it as a sign, and didn't call again.
..........
August came and I geared up for my PMS to begin.
After 2 really hard months, I knew this could be bad. Really bad. Again.
But it didn't come.
I stayed happy and witty. Laughing and being goofy. I still cried, but not at self-centered things, more at random blogs, commercials or 2 minute segments on the 9:00 news.
I found myself sitting in Lance's lap to watch tv.
Looking at him with googly eyes.
And feeling more in love with him than I have in months, heck maybe since Maddox was born.
And I knew it.
I was pregnant.
I am one of those weird people that gleam with happiness during pregnancy.
I feel full of bliss, alive, happy and content.
And I cling like a magnet to Lance.
I adore the way he holds me, the way he looks at me, the way he talks to me, the way he dresses, the way he parents, his goofy side, his rare but serious side, everything. I adore his presence.
I see him for exactly who he is. Who I married. And as my very patient, best friend.
And that is how I felt again.
..........
Before I ever took a test, I just knew.
Lance and I were going to the Ranger game on Wednesday and I had plans to tell him there, the same way I told him about Maddox, with a TX Ranger outfit. [remember the jersey story here?]
(although this time I was actually going to buy an infant outfit!)
But things changed.
We found out Saturday that Lance's dad was going to have to work out of state for 3 months and would be leaving that same week.
We set up breakfast to chat before he left and send our love and goodbyes.
We love his dad to pieces.
And he loves us too.
I asked Lance Saturday night if we were pregnant, if he would want to tell his dad before he left for North Carolina... he responded, "Are we pregnant?", and I was honest... "I'm not sure? However, I should be PMSing right now and I don't have a machete to your jugular, so I am a little suspicious!"
I woke up Sunday morning and ran to Dollar General before his dad got to our house.
I bought 1 $5 test and 2 $1 tests.
I was suppose to start on Monday and my cycle is like clock work.
The $5 test could be taken 3 days before your missed period and the other 2 were only to be taken after you had missed it.
As a team of 3, we took the test.
Immediately a plus popped up.
Faint.
But positive.
It was too early to take the other two tests, but Lance wanted clarification.
Just as his dad rang the doorbell, Lance said. "Let's not tell him."
..........
It hurt my feelings.
'I ruined my entire plan of exposing this pregnancy to you for your dad's sake and for his trip and now you want me to hold my tongue?'
What kind of crap is that?
There is no fun story for the baby book now, no Texas Ranger jersey to blog about later. This is it.
A cheap, Dollar General brand test, with a pitiful faint plus sign.
And while Lance was still getting ready, I replied, "We love it too. Probably not the best time to down size, but it will still hold 2 car seats, it should be fine."
He kept playing with Maddox for a moment and then it clicked.
He said, "Are you pregnant?!"
And I just cried!
He gave me a hug and told me how excited he was....
And that was our Sunday.
The Sunday I have held out on!
Our Sunday to Remember.
..........
The two $1 tests were used the next 2 mornings, and our appointment on the 18th completely confirmed our pregnancy for us!
We have a sono on September 1 (our move out date) and then vacation 9/7.
Busy. Busy.
But yay for another Erwin baby!
And double YAY for God's timing.
..........
As a God-fearing girl, I have to believe this was a slight nudge, a back hand if you will, reminding me how great I have it, how amazing my husband is, and how selfish I have been.
I need to focus on the here and now, rather than always looking outside the box, and worrying that there is something more that I am missing.
I just imagine him saying, "You think you know your plans for life... I'll show you, my child, otherwise!"
..........
In my life, I have been fair or decent at a lot of things, good at a few, but only great at one. And I am thrilled to my core about being great at two.
This isn't FB news yet...
I think Lance gets to spill the beans first this time...
But I thought you that actually care about our family enough to read our family blog, could know! ;)
