Happy New Year!!

Kind of...

I am in quite the rut... and I will try and explain.

But first I have to document a few things "worth blogging".

Beckham learned two more words.
"night night" and "uh-oh"... bringing our grand total to six.
He's 20 months-- we are calling it an improvement and we aren't stressing.

Maddox, on the other hand, has started talking in a Scottish dialect without even realizing it. 
He randomly tweaks the vowels of certain words, mid sentence.
We aren't sure why... but we are blaming Brave.

He also recently put together the idea that 'meat' actually comes from an animal.
So now he asks what animal we are eating... to which he cries, gags, and eventually vomits.
{{He's totally my child.}}
We are talking about our baby who already eats nothing...
so dinner is not fun
and I am afraid he is starving...
add it to the list.

I cleaned out and organized my mom's closet for her last Saturday...
dust = sneezing...
sneezing = headache...
Sunday, I stayed in bed aching.
(but dang her closet looks good!)

I was convinced it was more than allergies when Maddox started running a fever on Monday and his nose pouring like a faucet.
New Year's eve.

Lance had to work New Year's day, so our plans of board games and baking cookies were compromised when one was angry, another impatient, and one whiny.

I made breakfast-for-dinner.
Lance and I still listed our favorite things from 2012... like our trip to Florida, Lance's new job, my ability to work from home, Maddox's school, our Sea World trip, and a few others...
and we jotted down a few goals for 2013 too.

But the night ended just like all the others...
with the kids piled in the bed beside me, and Lance snoring on the couch.

I did wake him up to watch the ball drop... stole my kiss... and we were asleep minutes later.

2:00am; back up.
Maddox was running a fever and talking like a drunk!
He stood up and yelled, "Happy New Year Jesus!", he was convinced there were red numbers in his mouth, he said that he wanted his own knight-- like Daddy's.
I gave him Motrin and then he found a bump on his hand-- that was obviously there due to all the medicine... And that he saw a dinosaur.

On the up-side...
we slept until 10:00.

*** 
Today, I took down the Christmas decor...
scrubbed the house-- every nook and cranny--
and threw a pity party for myself.

I have felt it coming on since Christmas-- or maybe since my 26 acts?!

Let me explain.

It felt so good to do 26 acts of kindness, but the spotlight that I caught from it made me an anxious wreck.
First, people have nice things to say--
then you are up on a tiny pedestal, where some people can't wait to rip you down.

Then holiday stress... go. go. go.
And a zit the size of Europe shows up on your chin.
Mother Nature decides it's her week to party, and things get real fun!

You start comparing your outtakes to the rest of the world's highlight reel, and the slope gets slipperier.

An error in typing in one number while entering our credit card number by Citibank has Lance's credit score falling-- no one in the office to fix their error-- (double holiday week- hello?!)
And the house that we have been refinancing for MONTHS; on hold.

Things that I have dealt with for years-- but I thought didn't bother me anymore-- making me cry myself to sleep... where's my growth?

Lance constantly on the phone with everyone wanting to discuss the gun issues, and everyone asking him questions... walking right past me when he gets in from work... and falling asleep, on the couch-- leaving me alone, night after night.

Clean, bathe, cook, clean, triage, sleep, repeat.

Invisible.

Which is the snowball effect of ugly, mean, guilt, resentment and so forwarth....

***
I am always a bit embarrassed to write these things down...
and someone is going to read it all wrong, I am sure.
life isn't always pretty.

This is my story.


And I think that 20 years from now, when my boys call their wife to tell them they are on the way home and she starts sobbing...
and apologizing...
and he can tell she's at her breaking point...

I hope they will learn from their daddy and do exactly this:

And though the words he wrote in this card are personal, and perfect, and have made me cry 100 times tonight,
I will share the words typed onto the card:
"After the last casserole is finished and the phone stops ringing every other minute, I'll still be here.  That's when I'll come over to just sit back and listen.
So whether you feel like talking, laughing, crying, or just soaking up some silence, you can count on me.  I'll be here." 

***
Nicolle told me that I could pour my heart out to her yesterday...
So I started to.
but the more I wrote, the uglier my tear face got and the quicker I realized I could use a shrink! ;)

So I deleted it-- because I like her-- and I want to keep her as my friend!

***
Tomorrow I am going to choose happiness and am going to start re-wiring myself to believe it.
Playing more of our highlights and less of the negative details.

I am going to ignore ignorant ideas and bask in the constant love my husband gives me.  (even when I don't deserve it)
I am going to play with the boys and clean less/ stress less/ fixate less/ and laugh more
.
Annnnnnnd I am going to have a margarita with my girlfriends at Joe Ts.

Because I can.

There you go...
the many faces of Holly.

Happy 2013 y'all.