Monday, January 21, 2013

catching up

Wednesday morning I had to do my lab check off...
Lance played mommy...
And I took my time getting home.

There was a time that I would have sat in my car and ate my lunch before I dared eating alone in a restaurant.
But not anymore.
I thoroughly enjoyed my quiet time and I peacefully ate every bite of my vegetable plate while I people watched and scanned Instagram.

It was good for Lance too, as he and Beckham had an entire day of one-on-one time while Maddox was at school.
Maddox didn't have a great day at school on Wednesday... and though he didn't pull a stick, you would have thought he lost his left arm when he called to tell me.
Obviously I would prefer him to be a peach... But he was punishing himself enough and asking why he couldn't be perfect like Austin-- so I let it go.

"We all have our days", I told him.
"You'll just have to try harder next time".  

My sister flew home on Thursday.
Friday, her and mom and myself had lunch together at Olive Garden.
We dropped Al off at the hospital to see her friend,
and then mom and I (and the boys, of course) shopped around and had our Ipad replaced at the Apple Store.
(let me just say, Apple knows service.)
They replaced that bad boy, without a penny out of my pocket, and I was in and out in under 3 minutes.

Mom dropped me and the boys off with Lance and we had dinner with the Dean family.

Lance is off on Saturdays--
which means we run around town, wasting our day on boy things.
bla bla bla...
Best Buy...
bla bla bla...
Wait!  I did buy myself a external hard drive, to back up my external hard drive that I already have, at Best Buy, so I guess that trip was for me.

You may call  it neurotic-- I call it....

...neurotic.  :/

Oh well. I please my anxiety, $100 of Christmas cash, at a time.

That evening was my sister-from-another-mister's 30th birthday party.

Lance and I went back and forwarth with our plans-- and honestly it came own to the last hour before we decided that he was going with me and we would hire a babysitter.

Read it again, hire. a. sitter!

I've paid my sister before-- and a friend of hers too-- back before we were a family 'o four,
back when I worked night clinic, and Lance worked nights and our schedules clashed here and there.
But mostly mom took the job for free, so even that was a rare occurrence.

But this...
This was our first go a the real deal!

We weren't the first on either side to have kids--
so when Lance and I were kidless-- we loved keeping our nieces.

But then they each had more-- and we started our little community too, and its just too hard-- everyone is so busy-- so mom seems to be our only option.
Mostly we only like to "use" her when there's something we have to go to-- like work.  Or a wedding. Etc.

She offered this time too...
But we thought we would act like big people, and take the plunge.

That way, if it all worked out--
maybe, just maybe... Lance and I could start taking date nights with each other.
Sounds exotic, right?!

I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I was nervous.
But they were both asleep when she got here, and we were only gone about 4 hours.
SO-- she only had a little over 2 hours to do any damage, and for the first time ever, I was willing to roll the dice.

She said the boys were good for her--
But I may have sat up until midnight worrying that Beckham got into some harmful substance-- that he smuggled from an outlet, I guess, since everything is locked up...

Worrying that I didn't pay her enough.

That she secretly hated it... hated them... 

And wondering how Maddox ended up with a bruised forehead.

But Maddox has already said he can't wait for the next time he gets a babysitter--
and to be quite truthful; I can't either!

We had a great time helping Amanda celebrate her thirties...
even if we bailed out after dinner.

Lance and I got some much needed time together as well--
and laughed that when I called him a creep, it made us both bust out into song-- him, Creep by Radiohead and me, Creep by TLC.
I said it shows our difference in age--
He said that it just proves I've always had a thing for my booty-beats!

Sunday I was on call.
It was steady... but it is flu season, so I was expecting much worse!
The weather was nice...
Not too much to complain about.
Or document.

But that brings us today.
Today I had to go grocery shopping...
which can sometimes be like being whipped by a cat of nine tails.

I am a big fan of bribery, however, and I had promised a trip to McD's for lunch-- and a little play-- if everyone behaved.
Maddox did great.
Beckham is 21 months  (as of today, actually) and was decent.  --I'm throwing him a bone here.

While there, I saw a man bent down and talking sternly to his little boy.
As we passed, I heard him say, "because we are poor son.  We are just trying to survive.  I don't tell you that we can't afford it to be mean, I tell you that because we have to eat and we have very little money to spend."
The boy was crying and then the dad said, "maybe I can buy a little beef and make our own beef jerky."

You could find me next to the yogurt spilling salt water like it's free.  Couldn't handle it.

Lance said I should have offered to buy it, but I think that would have embarrassed them...  So I pushed on like I hadn't heard a word.

$220 whips my hide, but it has to be done-- and thankfully we have it to spend.
With a basket full of necessities-- and lots of privileges too... I found myself feeling grateful.

We shifted to the golden arches.

It was so loud in there, that I couldn't think.
There were kids old enough to shave, tackling each other, yelling and playing way rowdy on the top deck of the play thing.

Beckham started crawling up the steps, and Maddox (being the protective brother that he is) said, "guys, can we play nice so my baby brother can play?"  to which a kid-- maybe 7 or 8, yelled, "NO!!" in his face before he jumped into the slide and slid down.

I'm not into spanking other people's kids.
But I do wish it were legal.  

Once the little baby (maybe 2 or 3) came down with the busted lip, I called it a day and we bailed on Ronald.  (McDonald, that is)

I may have cussed a man in the parking lot who cut me off and I felt a bit spent by the time we made it home.

It's day like today that I worry that my kids heard more, "no" and "stop", and "quit" and "hush" then "yes" and "tell me more" and "you're so funny", etc....

But Lance called and Maddox asked to talk to him.
Maddox really excitedly told Lance, "did mommy tell you how she saved the day? ... "a little boy started frowing up all over the place by the eggs and mommy helped him and cleaned him up."

Honestly, that happened right after the beef jerky escapade and I completely forgot about it.
But he sure knew how to lift me up, that's for sure.

I'll never deserve that cape he thinks I wear.

Which brings us to tonight. 

I had mentioned earlier, that I haven't really shed many tears over Mamaw's passing.
I've worried that it just hasn't hit me yet- or that I'm holding it in for some reason-- or that tomorrow, at her funeral, I am going to fall off the deep end.

Lance and I have talked about it... and I honestly think I have so much peace about it because I knew she was ready.
She lived 97 years and only stayed twice in the hospital-- both in her last year of life.
She retired from a great job, had a car, a house, knew the Lord and didn't suffer.
She went to Heaven in her sleep.  Just the way we would all like to.

I agreed with him, that maybe I wasn't going to have a bawl fest.
That maybe I was just at peace.

No one mentioned the conversation that I was going to have to have with my four year old tonight over dinner.

Out of no where Maddox said, "Is Mamaw still sick."
Oh.  There's that lump.
I looked at Lance, terrified to talk.
Lance, being the calm soul that he is, said, "no buddy.  She's not sick at all."
Maddox: "she got better?"
Lance: "she sure did.  She got to go to Heaven where she is healthy again."
Maddox: "with God?"
Lance: "yes sir."
Maddox: "so I don't get to see her again?"  He paused, put his tongue in his cheek and said, "but I really miss her."
Lance talked to him about Heaven and all of the amazing things that Mamaw was enjoying and then he told us that he wanted to go to Heaven too and see her.
His mommy has anxiety, so she backed that story up a bit and explained that he still has 93 years to worry about it.
Maddox asked me not to cry and then I asked him if he had any questions.
He shook his head no...
I said, "You understand?  You think you've got it?"
To which he said, "no momma.  I don't get it at all." as he buried his head into my chest and lost control of his tears.
I started crying...
And Lance wasn't far behind.

We finished by talking about our favorite things about Mamaw.
His favorite memory of her being the tray full of toys that she kept hidden under the bed.

And we prepared him for tomorrow.

Maybe we shouldn't take them?
Maybe that's too much for him...
But maybe he, like us, needs that closure...
I'm just not sure?

You'd be surprised the things I get called about that you would think would be not a part of my job.
I have lots of answers, when it comes to the well being of children, in that respect.
But unfortunately, there's no protocol for that. 

Tomorrow we say our final goodbye, although Mamaw has already spent almost a week in a timeless utopia.

I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life.  1 John 5:13


  1. Tears. And all the go-to phrases when someone dies do not fill the void.

    But knowing that she's in heaven and healthy does bring a peace that you can draw upon.

  2. The part at the end with Maddox just broke my heart into a million pieces.
    I hope and pray that your goodbyes to your Mamaw were peaceful.

    You make me want to go shopping, and have Kincaid's. :)