Thursday, January 20, 2011

Faith of a child....

I almost got a bath by myself tonight.
I have only gotten a handful of baths within the last 2 1/2 years- without a splash partner, a cluster of toys, and a temperature unreasonable enough to share.
Just a handful.

Tonight I set out for a soak alone.

I sneezed 873 times today, peed my pants twice, and my face is swollen and raw from snot.
I needed me-time.
(and a bladder tuck)

Maddox argued at first, tried taking his pjs off, and finally gave in to the idea that he was on the sidelines...

We had a few conversations that tickled me while I soaked:

Maddox: [giggles as he looks into the bath at me]
Me: "What's so funny?"
him: "You body looks like Mickey Mouse Club House!!"
[referring to my boobies and belly being the only thing that sticks above the water]
Me: [laughs hysterically]

Maddox: "Who does Baby Beckham look like?"
Me: "I don't know, you think maybe Daddy?"
Maddox: [looks sideways at my large belly]
 "No... I think he looks like an oval."
Me: [again, laughing hard]

I finally undressed him and let him join me.
He is so fun...
and before too long he will be too old to take baths with me.
I cherish these moments.
(Even though I yearn for alone time too)

Children are so innocent and sweet... and persistent.
I need be more child-like.

Yesterday I spent a lot of the day crying.
I didn't want to have 2 negative posts in a row, so I was tempted to not share.
But this is my blog.
My place of honesty.

I'm just keeping it real!  ;)

I had planned on spending the day celebrating me.
Reading more of my daily Bible...
making my burp cloths...
and keeping my house clean-- through it all, because a few of my husband's friends were coming by after work.  (celebrating his last night on nights!!)

Instead, I cried...
a lot.
At the drop of a hat.

I honestly believe that happiness is a choice...
and whole-heartedly, I wanted to choose happiness.
But I couldn't.

I played with Maddox--

I attempted a burp cloth... which I didn't finish...
(And it definitely could have come out better.)

And finally, I resorted to baking cupcakes-- which will always make a chunky girl smile!

Rumor has it that my company may do away with night clinic here in the near future.
Night clinic is how I gain a paycheck.
I work Saturday mornings, but that will stop once I have the baby.

So if night clinic becomes a thing of the past--
So will my employment with a company that I love.

The 3 nights a week I work, make up the bulk of my income.

I will have to start over with a job search--
One that can compete with the money I make now.
One works with mine and my husband's schedule the way that this one does.

I refuse to put 2 kids in daycare.
Financially it just doesn't make sense.

Emotionally, I could not get a grip.

Maddox hates to see anyone upset... but especially me.
He told me not to cry.
He told me I was beautiful.
And he told me I was a "great gril"
(He will make a great husband one day!)

But I couldn't stop the worry.
Nor the non-stop tears.

And his reassurance just made me feel that much more pathetic.

I recently just read the book, Heaven is for Real
From this book I gained an awesome story-- but bigger than that, I have changed the way I pray.

Jesus loves the children.
That's what the child in the book says.

And children pray unlike adults.
They are more faithful.

Matthew 18:3 (New World Translation) "and said: "Truly I say to you, Unless You turn around and become as young children, you will by no means enter into the kingdom of the heavens."

I can not change the situation that I may be facing.

I have prided myself on the lack of anxiety I have carried this pregnancy, and it irritates me to my core that I am this anxious, upset, and unsure over something that at this point is still just a possibility.

I feel like I have done my part.

We fought a hard fight.
We learned a lot about each other, our marriage, how to be more frugal and appreciate the small things in life. We learned that things are not what make up our happiness.
I realized that everyone has a story-- and no one has everything. Though some are flourishing in some areas, they are sure to be starving in others.  That's life.
I learned to be happy with us.  With what we have.
We found out that people can't help you unless you are completely honest and don't sugar-coat your situation.
We were reminded that we have a great support system of family and real-true friends around us.
We are loved.

So I already know all of that.
I don't need to learn it again.

I am going to have the faith of a child.

I am going to pray that God will provide and that we will not be affected financially from whatever the future holds.
And I am going to believe he will.

In child-like faith...
We will be okay.


  1. I love the conversation you and Maddox had while you were in the tub. He is so cute!

    And I have got to get that book to read! I have been in a huge slump lately. I love going to church.... I love being around other Christian moms... and I haven't done either in a long time. My relationship with God has been on the back burner and it makes me so unhappy! I NEED my time with God..... if I don't get it, I feel.... weird.... I don't know how to explain it. So I need to bust out my bible and a good book to read to fulfill that emptiness I have right now.

    And I will pray for you and your job situation. If something does happen, God forbid, you are one of the BEST nurses I know. Once anyone gets wind of you looking for a job, they would be stupid to not jump at the opportunity to hire you onto their team. You are AMAZING at what you do.

    I love you and miss you!

  2. You are so sweet!

    Thanks for the positive encouragement!

    I teared up a bit reading your response (but what else is new lately!!)

  3. Saying a prayer that your job situation stays as is!
    Love that you gave in and let your little guy get in the tub with you. You are so right...before long you will find yourself locking the door. I remember the exact moment when my son looked at me in the bathtub that I knew he would no longer be able to come in and chat with me anymore! :)
    Now I am feeling the need to make cupcakes! :)
    Have a great weekend. Hope your cold gets better!

  4. Holly, I couldn't agree more about cherishing your time with Maddox. You can't get it back and before you know it they are 16, driving your car, and going on double dates. You are a great Mom keep following your intincts.
    ~live loved

  5. Well, you definitely have your head on straight and have reason to be sad and concerned but baby hormones probably don't help either, huh? I am old enough and have seen many things in life change at the drop of a hat and I am here to tell you that where one door closes most times another (and better!) one opens. Doesn't help right now though, does it? Hang in there and just reading this (came over from Kerri's blog) I can tell you have a great faith, personality and sense of humor and those will get you through ANYthing!!

  6. I pray that things do work out well for you and your job. I can understand the stress you are under and I'm sorry!

    You are so right, happiness is a choice, and it's definitely something we should chose as often as we does get in the way sometimes, and it's ok to be mad and sad and let it all out. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

    Sometimes all we can do is have the faith of a child. Remember the bible tells us, Be anxious for nothing. It's hard for me to remember that at times, but on the hard days, I repeat that over and over again.

    Love your honesty here. Keep smiling! :))