Faith of a child....

I almost got a bath by myself tonight.
Almost.
I have only gotten a handful of baths within the last 2 1/2 years- without a splash partner, a cluster of toys, and a temperature unreasonable enough to share.
Just a handful.

Tonight I set out for a soak alone.

I sneezed 873 times today, peed my pants twice, and my face is swollen and raw from snot.
I needed me-time.
(and a bladder tuck)

Maddox argued at first, tried taking his pjs off, and finally gave in to the idea that he was on the sidelines...

We had a few conversations that tickled me while I soaked:

Maddox: [giggles as he looks into the bath at me]

Me: "What's so funny?"

him: "You body looks like Mickey Mouse Club House!!"

[referring to my boobies and belly being the only thing that sticks above the water]

Me: [laughs hysterically]

Maddox: "Who does Baby Beckham look like?"

Me: "I don't know, you think maybe Daddy?"

Maddox: [looks sideways at my large belly]

 "No... I think he looks like an oval."

Me: [again, laughing hard]

I finally undressed him and let him join me.

He is so fun...

and before too long he will be too old to take baths with me.

I cherish these moments.

(Even though I yearn for alone time too)

Children are so innocent and sweet... and persistent.
I need be more child-like.

***
Yesterday I spent a lot of the day crying.
I didn't want to have 2 negative posts in a row, so I was tempted to not share.
But this is my blog.
My place of honesty.

I'm just keeping it real!  ;)

I had planned on spending the day celebrating me.
Reading more of my daily Bible...
making my burp cloths...
and keeping my house clean-- through it all, because a few of my husband's friends were coming by after work.  (celebrating his last night on nights!!)

Instead, I cried...
a lot.
At the drop of a hat.

I honestly believe that happiness is a choice...
and whole-heartedly, I wanted to choose happiness.
But I couldn't.

I played with Maddox--

I attempted a burp cloth... which I didn't finish...
(And it definitely could have come out better.)

And finally, I resorted to baking cupcakes-- which will always make a chunky girl smile!

***
Rumor has it that my company may do away with night clinic here in the near future.
Night clinic is how I gain a paycheck.
I work Saturday mornings, but that will stop once I have the baby.

So if night clinic becomes a thing of the past--
So will my employment with a company that I love.

The 3 nights a week I work, make up the bulk of my income.

I will have to start over with a job search--
One that can compete with the money I make now.
One works with mine and my husband's schedule the way that this one does.

I refuse to put 2 kids in daycare.
Financially it just doesn't make sense.

***
Emotionally, I could not get a grip.

Maddox hates to see anyone upset... but especially me.
He told me not to cry.
He told me I was beautiful.
And he told me I was a "great gril"
(He will make a great husband one day!)

But I couldn't stop the worry.
Nor the non-stop tears.

And his reassurance just made me feel that much more pathetic.

***
I recently just read the book, Heaven is for Real
From this book I gained an awesome story-- but bigger than that, I have changed the way I pray.

Jesus loves the children.
That's what the child in the book says.

And children pray unlike adults.
They are more faithful.

Matthew 18:3 (New World Translation) "and said: "Truly I say to you, Unless You turn around and become as young children, you will by no means enter into the kingdom of the heavens."

I can not change the situation that I may be facing.

I have prided myself on the lack of anxiety I have carried this pregnancy, and it irritates me to my core that I am this anxious, upset, and unsure over something that at this point is still just a possibility.

***
I feel like I have done my part.

2009.
Sucked.
We fought a hard fight.
We learned a lot about each other, our marriage, how to be more frugal and appreciate the small things in life. We learned that things are not what make up our happiness.
I realized that everyone has a story-- and no one has everything. Though some are flourishing in some areas, they are sure to be starving in others.  That's life.
I learned to be happy with us.  With what we have.
We found out that people can't help you unless you are completely honest and don't sugar-coat your situation.
We were reminded that we have a great support system of family and real-true friends around us.
We are loved.

***
So I already know all of that.
I don't need to learn it again.

***
I am going to have the faith of a child.

I am going to pray that God will provide and that we will not be affected financially from whatever the future holds.
And I am going to believe he will.

In child-like faith...
We will be okay.