This past Tuesday I bought a pregnancy test. I had gained 5 lbs in 2 weeks, felt grouchy, gripey and irritable, was was eating everything I layed my eyes on, and my hair is falling out by handfuls. I use to do this from time to time when things just feel off, although it has been almost a year since I have taken any tests, I thought I should put my mind at ease.
I told Lance I was taking the test, and explained to him that mathematically there was no way I was pregnant but my mind couldn't settle down until I saw a negative sign.
We are a really open family... so we were having a conversation from the restroom to the kitchen while I was drenching the stick! Lance walks around the corner as my eyes are the size of oranges to see a plus sign. Although faint, it popped up immediately and was for sure positive. His response, "is this bean dip old?" REALLY??? I thought I was going to vomit. A rush of a million emotions took over me. Good, bad, and in between... My head was spinning.
So at 11:00 at night, we took a family trip to Walmart, tears flowing the entire way. A double pack of digitals and a few groceries and we came home for a second opinion. (and 3rd)
The test that night said "not pregnant". I took a test the following morning that said the same thing.
I already had a day at the zoo planned with my sister in law, and 2 of my best friends so I knew that it couldn't stay a secret for long. And since I had a false positive test back in June, I was sure that the same thing had happened again and I explained this to the girls. I called my dr just to ask what could be throwing the tests off and she suggested I come in for lab.
Friday they drew a vial from my arm and it was a long weekend and a busy mind. I really want to ski and enjoy the lake this summer and begin trying for a baby at the end of summer. Maddox is at such a busy age, learning SO MUCH every single day, soaking in everything around him like a sponge and I don't want for him to miss out on any part of me because the next one. I was thinking about babysitters and plane tickets, and diapers and hands... all things that become more difficult with 2. I added up their ages to make sure they would still be at least 2 years apart in school, since I still plan on holding Maddox back. The negatives would start nagging at me and all I could think about is how this baby could really mess with MY plans. Then guilt would set in... I would look at Maddox and think, how could I want to wait on another something as perfect as the one I have now. I would think about how Lance and I weren't 'trying' for Maddox but God's timing was perfect. I was playing Maddox's day of delivery in my head and how much I loved being pregnant and would start to get a little excited. Back and forth all weekend my mind would wander. At Po's I declined a glass of wine, 'just in case'. My mind started taking over and telling me I was tired and I rubbed my belly as I went to bed trying to remember what it was like. I asked Maddox if he was ready for a brother or sister, which he consistently said no to, and thought out nursery plans and work schedules in my head. This was all done inside the privacy of my brain of course because I really didn't want to get anyone's mind chasing after either side of the margin. And I damn sure didn't want anyone's opinion.
Today I got the call: Not pregnant.
I am a planner. To my core. Being pregnant right now really didn't fit into my schedule at this particular moment so this is the answer I had hoped to hear. However, I was still let down a little.
I had told myself it would be okay so many times over the weekend so that I didn't get hysterical today if the answer was yes that I felt a little alone and confused when my friends congrated me on the news I had hoped for.
I cried a lot of tears today. Most of them I can't even explain. Randi called it bitter sweet which I thought was a perfect description.
Lance was utterly confused about my emotional insanity since I had talked all weekend about it not being a part of the plan we have created but yet crying again when I got my way. I finally just asked him to let me be alone because I felt so dumb for crying and could not articulate what was going on with me emotionally. Which he did.
I went on in to work, eyes swollen and head pounding, to chaos. 2 separate schedules were being booked for the schedule so we were double booked. A mom yelled at me because she had waited 45 minutes and she thought it was ridiculous. She was over dramatic about walking slow to her room so that I could be annoyed waiting for her like she had been for me. YEAH, because it is our fault?!
I felt like I was losing at everything I had tried to do and I couldn't get that last patient in the room fast enough so that I could get home and go to bed.
We finished up around 8:45 and I was anxious to get home.
I walked out the front door to see my precious boys waiting patiently on me in the parking lot. Maddox had the biggest grin on his face while he said, "supwise momma" in a tiny, sweet voice.
I live anywhere from 30-50 minutes away from work, depending on what time of day I am traveling there, so this wasn't just a casual drop in. How considerate are those boys?! I cried happy tears.
We went to OTB for some late night Mexican food and took advantage of the beautiful weather on the patio.
my emotional roller coaster of a day, turned in to being one of my favorite days ever.
I am a blessed girl.