Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Who gave me this saucer?

I have been enjoying life...
Rolling right along...
Counting the days until I deliver my sweet peach...
Money saved to survive maternity leave...
Bags packed...
Baby head-down and ready to rock.

And then bam.

Life changes.

I lost my job last night.

A blogger-friend of mine recently wrote about being unable to say no.
I could totally relate.

Until 2009, I really didn't know what that word meant.
Then the economy came crashing down, Lance lost his job and I began carrying the weight of my husband, our child, our home and all of our stress on my shoulders...
I started to understand.

I would look down the see the Thanksgiving dinner that I was trying to shove on a saucer, see no more room, but stare at a buffet full of requests wondering how in the world I could make this all work.

After too many tears, rashes to my neck, and feeling like I was going to divorce my husband, leave my family, and run away to India, I finally learned no.
"No!  No.  No.  No.  My plate is too full...I. Have. No. Room. For. You."

It wasn't my style...
but it definitely was personal growth.

As my life began to straighten back out, I fell back in to the people-pleaser row, and forgot how to use that word again.

Saturday night I got a text from a fellow co-worker, that the conversation to terminate Night Clinic was back in talks.
You may remember that I went to bed upset that night.  (I mentioned it in the 10 on 10 blog)
In my gut, I honestly did not think the vote would carry through, since our patients and company benefits so much from this service.

But I could not help but let my mind go wild.

I am math-minded, so the calculator within my brain could not stop pressing numbers all night.
It became a tug-o-war and a game of stealing from Peter-to-pay-Paul... and what can I do to make this work?
My fear of daycare and having to put a child, too tiny to tell me how his day went, fell on my chest like a rock truck.
The realization that we would be moving back into our home in Haslet, doubling our mortgage and needing my salary in the midst of this huge change-- was heavy and real.

From there the anxiety snow-balled:
My bags aren't packed for the hospital.
I am due in days.
Maddox and I are both coming down with colds, days before bringing home a newborn.
My mom is out of vacation days at work and I need her.  (Though she had promised there was no way she would miss the delivery of our tiny-turtle, I couldn't help but think about the day after... if she did have to go back to work the next day, what I would do with Maddox?  He needs her.)
What day to pick, if we do get induced... 
What day would be best for our family, who's work schedule would it conflict, would it interfere with Easter, etc.
Easter?!  Please tell me mom is still doing Easter.  My baby has to hunt for eggs.

You get the idea...

I didn't sleep.

Sunday my mom came through the door and calmed my storm.
Within minutes, she was able to accomplish what I had been staring at for weeks!
At days-from-27, I still need her for emotional support. (and her ironing capabilities too, apparently)
Together we made ourselves a great day.
A really good day.

Within my day of pleasure, a drama-filled blast from my past showed its face and I remembered that no-thing, mentioned earlier!
"Please don't steal my sunshine... I am having a good day!"
"I am down to a saucer again, (see list above) and there is no room for you on my plate!"
"no. no. no."

Not to expose a story that I buried deep within the category of ridiculous...
But at some point during my "personal growth" I realized that it is okay to say no to relationships too.

I think negativity and drama can happen enough on its own without needing an owner who loves to stir its pot.

I am not saying that if someone doesn't fit onto my plate, then they are not a good person, or a great benefit to someone else as a friend...but to me personally, it was better to dismiss myself and avoid a 'whirl-wind', that I had watched multiple times in its furry, and I did not want to be a part of its destruction path.

So I said no.
"No, I have no room for this."
"No, I refuse to let this change a good day for me."
"No, you can not steal my smile that I worked hard for today."

By Monday the storm was apparently still brewing, (possibly bigger that I even cared to give attention to) but I tossed up my umbrella, turned my back to the storm and acknowledged the size of my plate.

That's all I could do.

That night, I wrote an email to a handful of women that I knew could help me nail up stronger walls.
Though vague, I just asked for prayer.
For work.
For my delivery.
For the transition this was sure to have on Maddox.
For peace.

Tuesday held the meeting that decided my fate in this career.
17 doctors had to cast a vote, determining whether my job would be needed any longer by my company or not.

I left the house in tears.
I forgot to tell my husband bye.
I felt like a rattled mess.

Texts and emails from the friends whom I had asked to keep me in prayer helped pull me up when I was down.
Lance's up-beat and positive attitude about the situation pissed me off, honestly, (because I felt was unrealistic) but he was faithful that it would turn out in our favor, and encouraged me to be the same.
My friend Amanda's un-failing advice and friendship, on my hour drive in, helped me walk in the door and do my job with a half-smile on my face.
And the list goes on...

I have good people in my life.

At about 8:00 last night, we were delivered the message:
Night clinic was cancelled.  It's last night of business would be May 12. (during my maternity leave)

Tears flowed.
Hives followed.
Prayer remained.
I tried staying positive.

Hormones make that easier said than done.

At this point, I am not at a complete loss.

Another opportunity (through this company that I adore) has come to offer.
I don't want to spill too much of its content, because it is still all just a possibility...
but if the proposal made by my nursing manager passes, it would actually be a better situation for my family.
I would get to work less hours, all from home, for the same amount of pay, but no gas bill.
Dinner at home every night with my family.
No pumping to feed my newborn.
Me- being able to tuck my babies into bed every night...

This situation would be amazing if it is falls into place.

I will continue to be faithful.

I ask, if you feel moved to do so, to pray that this will all work out for me.  (and for my partner, Chanda, who is equally effected.)

Today I woke up early, (like before 6:00 early) and watched the sun rise out the wall of windows in this old farm house.
I never am up that early (unless I am cursing Lance's schedule, up for my 6th pee, or my son has an off day and thinks it is time for breakfast) so I just sat.
Enjoyed the quiet.

I made a post on FB about watching the sun rise and how if felt so peaceful in such an otherwise, crazy time.
An hour or so later, a girl that I know-- but not very well, and who has zero idea about my situation-- made a post that read:
“No matter how rough the roads ahead, look to God and it will soon be the road behind. With God all things are possible. Always trust in Jesus and things will inevitably be all right in the end."

For whatever reason, this spoke straight to my heart.
I clicked "like", but then thought I should tell her that I appreciated such encouraging words.
So I did.
She responded to me (even though multiple other people had commented too) with this:
"Holly to be honest after I read your status update I thought about you and prayed for you and thought this might be something you could use."

How awesome was that?!


(this picture was taken last night before work... a picture today would have been in a cuter outfit, but the swollen face, red eyes, and mascara debris from tears, would have completely ruined it... so scrubs it is!)

We had our 39 week appointment today just before lunch.
Still no change (1cm and 50%) but now "soft"
My BP was great and Beckham's HR was 120-130.
I had lost weight again, which she wasn't uber-thrilled about... but I did the same thing with Maddox, so I wasn't too surprised.  (24 total weight gain at this point)

She offered to "strip my membranes" and said that it sends 50% of women into labor within 8 hours... and the other 50% just bleed and have pain.

I opted out of it.

My mind set is all work-focused at this point and I honestly do not feel stable enough for either scenario today.
I want to know how the vote goes for my future employment, have my girls night on Monday with a few of my favorite chicks, and then have a baby.  (in that order)

And I still am holding out a tiny bit of hope that my body will start the labor process on its own.
If not, we will induce on Thursday or Friday.  (depending on availability)

Because my mind is still doing flip flops...
A conference call from my boss gave no new news...
My tears haven't stopped today...
And I had to hear these tiny words from my biscuit, "please don't cry anymore momma, it really hurts my feelings..."

I'll leave you with these pictures...

The only thing that is capable of bringing me joy today.
I love him.

If it is in you, please add me and my situation to your prayer list.


  1. I woke up to see Kimberly had her baby and I thought about you. I hate to hear the outcome of the meeting, but I know it will all work out for you. I'm praying! I hope it's a beautiful day in Texas today so you can get outside and enjoy some fresh air and let Maddox play!

  2. Praying for you and your family. Your path has already been set for you and your job is to follow his plan in good times and in bad. He would never give you more than you can handle.

    I look at these pictures of Maddox and hope my boy is as cute as yours. I LOVE that picture of him winking. He is the cutest!

    Stay strong for your family and keep up the optimistic attitude. Great things you never knew were possible can come at the craziest times!

  3. Praying for you!! You are a strong person and you will get through this. And little beckham will be here soon and your life will fall back inti rhythm. I hate that you are going through this right before his birth! Those pics are adorable!!! You can just see maddox' personality coming through!! He's so cute and sweet and I know bex will be the same!! You have been so strong for me when I needed it and I hope you know I would do anything for y'all. Honestly. I love you!!!!

  4. Holly Bear- it is going to work out because you are such an AWESOME person. I love you and I miss you, and I thank you for your advice over the years. I will pray very hard for you and your sweet family. (This is Libby by the way... I can't remember my URL!)

  5. Thank you guys....

    I am amazed with the support that our friends and family have given with just inspiring words and prayer, texts, phone calls, and e-mails.
    Despite such emotions,
    It feels good to be loved! :)

    Maybe I am too open and honest, but I learned from the last time that our family went through a employment disaster, that being open and honest is the only way that people will know to help you....
    And I believe in the power of prayer... It truly does help!

    Thank you girls! <3

  6. LOVE the pictures of Maddox. I am praying for peace for you for all of your needs! :))

    I am so sorry about your job. What crazy timing and just try to not let it get in the way of the joy you will have with your new baby boy! God is working in mysterious ways!!!!

    I don't think you are too open and honest. I think it's good to get your feelings and thoughts out there. It's healing!