11 1/2 weeks

Today we are 11 1/2 weeks.

Today, we had our 3rd OB appointment.  Even though Lance and I went to bed really late last night, I just couldn't sleep in this morning... too excited about our 1:00 appointment with Dr. Deem.

I made us cinnamon rolls (actually the roll out kind that Kristen introduced us to while in VA), we got showers, and headed out.

Not without a hitch, because that's not the Erwin way.

It was 12:05 and we needed to leave 15 minutes ago to get to our appointment in a reasonable manner.  Lance was changing shorts and asking me what looked better... and I snapped!
"If you are not in the car in 30 seconds, I am leaving you"
We said a few other choice words, and then sat in silence our hour drive into Fort Worth.

Maddox fell asleep in the car about 10 minutes from her office and Lance (once again) needed help making a decision.  Should he take Maddox in or let him sleep?
I jumped out of the car and ran in... "I am already 5 minutes late-- figure it out."

I gave my urine sample and weighed.
124.  I have gained a pound.
Maddox and Lance decided to join us.

I was excited because the sweet, PRN nurse took us back this time.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE my OB/GYN but her nurse is flat and direct and honestly, just not friendly.
My nurse ran the doppler on my tummy and I started messing with my phone.
"Are you going to record this?"
"I was?"
"Well, wait just a minute.  You are still early so it may take me a minute and I'll tell you when I've got it so you can turn it on.  It'll keep you from recording a bunch of static"
bu-bump, bu-bump, bu-bump..... [my heart beat] STATIC.... bu-bump, bu-bump. bu-bump [more me].... MORE STATIC
Tears started filling my eyes.
"Don't panic yet Holly.  My doppler did read 184 for a second so it picked up on something... I just can't hear it.  I'm going to go get Dr. Deem and she will find it right away, don't cry-- I'm sure its fine."
She left the room and I cried.  Crying turning into bawling and gasping and feeling like my heart was going to explode right there in the room.

Lance was saying, "why are you crying?  She said everything is fine!"
(He swears he didn't say this, but let me assure you, he did.)
I felt alone.  And scared.  And panicked.  And guilty for anything that I may have done to jeopardize my pregnancy. 

Dr. Deem came in the room.
"Your blood pressure looks great.  You've only gained a pound.  Let's find this heart beat."
She placed the doppler back on my belly.
Same song.
No dance.

Dr. Deem was sure the baby was just below my pelvic bone, making it difficult to hear and that everything was fine, but she still thought we should do a sono to make sure.
So off to sono we went.
I was into ugly-cry at this point.
A million emotions.  A thousand thoughts.
None of them good.
Maddox watching, also upset that his mommy was so sad.

Our sonographer handed me a handful of tissues, dimmed the lights, and got in serious- all business mode.
"Good things are going on here"
She zoomed in and showed us our peanut.
Arms moving, heart beating, tucked in tight, looking cozy.
Heart rate was 183.  (Maddox was 164 at this visit) but this baby was 140-something last time.  I have no idea if my anxiety had this one's up, or if it's heart is just faster beating... I guess the next appointment will tell.

Maddox says from his daddy's lap, "I love my baby. Its soooooo cute!"
And now my tears turn to happy tears.
And tears of relief.

She handed us our pictures and sent us back to our room.

Hateful nurse was standing outside our closed door.
"I already filled your room with another patient."
"Was she done with me?"
"Well, was everything fine with the sono?"
"It was."
"Then you can leave."

So that was it.  I waited a month for this appointment.  And it was a mess.
I got to ask none of my questions.
I feel beat down and exhausted and emotional.
I didn't get words of encouragement after the sono.  I was just scooped out the door.

*crying again
Tears of frustration.

Lance took Maddox to the car.
I spoke to the insurance lady, and then joined them.
GREAT NEWS from Charla:  Our fan-frig'n-tabulous insurance is covering everything, 100%.  The only thing out of our pocket is a co-pay per sono.  That is it!  Hospitalization: 100%.  Dr. Deem: 100%
Are you kidding?!
Maddox cost us about $650 to Dr. Deem up front, $30 per sono and somewhere between $1500-$2000 to Harris.  All worth it, but geese!  What a blessing to get that news!!

We went to The Railhead BBQ after the appointment.
Lance was able to get a 1/2 off discount there, because of his job, which was awesome-- we both got 2 meat combos (so Maddox and I could share) and 2 drinks and it was $13 total!!

Maddox has been in this Blue's Clues kick for a while.  He holds his hand out as if he is holding a pretend notebook and he "writes" clues in it constantly.
A couple of days ago we were behind an SUV with a sticker on the back glass of a puppy paw.  Over, and over and over he yelled, "I found a clue!"
So today he spent most of his meal spotting clues.  He found a red diamond, and a circle and a number 5!  (by the way, I just typed "a red triangle" but was reminded that that is a diamond as Maddox just saw this picture... and once again, excitedly shouted his clues!)

He then found another clue.  It was a moose that went mooooo.  (It was really some exotic goat)
....All this clue finding got people talking.
This group of men across from us were talking about how much energy he had.
One man said, "you need a few more just like him and then you'll really be skinny"
He didn't know that my feeling were as fragile as ancient art today, so I took it personally.
A. I feel like such a toad lately.  Nothing looks cute.  But I don't look pregnant yet either.  Just frumpy and bloated, with a gut.

So I'll really be skinny then?  Hummmm.... How else could I take that?
B. Was he saying Maddox was bad?  Was that his nice way of saying, "Good Gosh kid, shut up!"

I knew I was being sensitive, so I just said, "yes sir, he's full of energy."
Lance said when I went to the bathroom they were talking about how much fun he would have on their ranch, etc...  So I think I may have read way too into it.

We left lunch and went to the mall.  I needed some new make-up and wanted to look at Halloween costumes for Maddox.

We didn't find him a costume, but I did get some make up.  Its a new brand that I have never worn before, so I hope I like it.
I also broke down and rented one of the mall's carts.  He always begs to ride in them but my phobia of germs typically shoves us in the opposite direction.   
Today I broke down and let him ride.
He loved it!!

As we pulled into the house, a red fox sat in our front field.  Lance has seen it a couple of times and my parents have too.  I asked him to stop the car so I could get a picture, but he kept going and so did it.  This is the best pic I got from my phone.
It wasn't really even worth posting, it is almost impossible to see.

A 15 minute nap interrupted by loud play and repetitive phone calls is all I pulled off.

I am on call right now and haven't got a page yet.  Good luck or a broken pager???  We shall see?!

If you are still reading, props to you!
I feel like writing in this blog, lets me 'work it out' and cheer up or de-stress in some weird way!
Thanks for helping with that!