some days

Today was a hot case of overload.

I feel like there was too much to do and not enough hours in the day.

I get aggravated with myself that I spent the entire week out of the house, leaving all of it to be done today....
And I never really ever completed A before moving to B or B before starting C...

I do not understand how you full time working mommas do it all!

Sometimes I think I need a clone--
or more structure....
or that Lance and I chose the hardest route to this parenting thing/ working thing.

We work an unorthodox schedule.
Always have since becoming parents; and most likely always will.
There's never, ever, ever that "down time" in this house where we all just sit.

There is always something to be done, to be cleaned, to be talked about or to be heard....

We miss out on a lot of birthday parties, cookouts, social outings...
and definitely alone time together.

I know a lot of times people take it personally that we don't "fit them into our schedules" because our availability is slim to none.
You might see pictures of us eating out, or hanging at my mom's and wonder why we do that stuff, but can't make it to your BBQ.
You might find out later that Lance actually did have a weekend day off for once, and we decided to spend time as a family rather than making it to your kid's quinceanera.
But don't take it personally.
Most things we do are on a whim... when call is looking calm and I think we can escape for a minute together---
or when call is out of hand and I need mom's help.

It is very rare that we are ever both off at the same time.
Usually he gets off and swings in the door just in time for my pager to sound off.
Or I am juggling call and my kids and a plate on my nose, all at the same time.

I don't work a lot of hours...
as a nurse.
But I work.
A lot.

We make what we make to get by with what we need ...and of course we get a lot of what we want too.
But we don't have an excess of extras-- as we traded that for me to stay home.

Every decision that Lance and I make, we try and do for our kids.
We might (and I am sure will) look back one day and think we should have done some things differently.
We might wonder if Lance should have gone back into oil and gas-- making much more money but traveling 80% of the time.
We might think that I should have used my license that I worked hard for to earn a little more and brought home more bank myself.
We might dissect the perks to daycare and wonder if our kids were socially scarred from not being a part of that.
We might wonder if our marriage would be stronger with more one-on-one time and a child-less bed.

But believe me, we think through them and decide the best way we know fit.

>>I could absolutely go back to work full time and double my salary.
But then I would have to deduct 20K for childcare, 5K for gas, 2K for coffee, breakfast, lunch, snacks, and the charitable times you all throw in a few dollars towards whatever and new scrubs.  Minus the hours that I don't get to be with my kids...  it is not a good choice for us.

>>Yes, Lance could have gone seeking another landman job, like some of our friends did...
but they are never home.
And I can't fathom trading a paycheck for watching my husband cars with Beckham and play catch with Maddox every day... and I know he wouldn't trade one for the opportunity to coach our boys teams and kiss me goodnight every single night.

So we deal.

And I wheel and deal.

>>My kids wear nice clothes.
But I am a bargainista and decently smart with money.
I --honest to goodness-- have not stepped foot into a mall in well over a year.
And I am not scared of Ross, Marshals, TJMax, The Rack and stores like that.
They're my go to shopping adventures.

>>The pool is free.  The park is free.
My parents bought us season passes to Hawaiian Falls instead of birthday presents... and B is free there.

We do spend too much money eating out, and I hate that... but when I am beating myself up over it, I justify it  by reminding myself that Lance never has to buy his lunch.  Nor do I have to pack him a lunch....
and I clean this house 17 thousand times a day-- someone else can cook for me occasionally.

Sometimes I think I am going mad...
And I have to remind myself the reasons why we chose this road.

Like today, when Beckham dumps every bucket of toys in the playroom, smears mascara all over his face, and my attempt at making them moon dough turns into a asteroid hitting the moon and exploding all over my kitchen....
When they fight...
the entire day.
When Maddox tries to help with laundry by making 17,000 balls of wadded clothes all over my living room... and I really just do laundry twice.

When my list is only half way complete...
and I yelled too much.

And I am so damn tired.
And Lance can't get home soon enough.

>>But then he does.
And they crash.
At the same time...
before 9:00 at night...

And my husband and I eat dinner together, at the table in peace.

We have good conversation that we haven't had in years...  and we laugh.

And we ourselves crawl into be before 10:00...
And I feel that little nudge like God says, "I got this chick!" (my God is hip like that!)

And we watch our DVR tv and we snuggle with no kids in our bed...
And I read a book.
With no interruptions.

And I go check on my babies,
sleeping perfect and angelically.
Snuggled together and peaceful.

It makes it all worth it,
and I feel rejuvenated for another day.

And I am reminded again that we did make the right decision.
For us.

Even when it doesn't make sense to the rest of the world.