call me a piss ant.

Lance took Maddox for donuts and an oil change, so I have a chance to express myself today.
Here goes.

***
Since I have had Beckham, I can not sleep.

Never, in my life has this been a problem...
Until now.

Nightly, I am staring at the clock--
doing math inside my head--
wondering when Beckham will be up for his first feed.  (usually 3:00)
And what time Maddox will be strolling in, ready for a "snack".
(in which I correct to 'breakfast')

***
My class started this week.
And I hate it.

I am trying to have the attitude of my baby sister...
she doesn't take anything in life seriously.
Most of the time, it drives me crazy that she can be so careless...
but right now,
I want to be her.

I just need to get through it.
...with a B-- since I have never made a C in college, and I don't want to start now.
Oh my gosh!!  Or fail it?!?!?
What if I fail?
Surely I won't fail.
Right?!

[I am going to have a panic attack.]

This class is so much.
4 assignments every week.
18 million stories that were written before the invention of the wheel
and are harder to understand than the King James Version Bible.
Quizzes.
Forums.

I've got 2 kids!  And a job! And a home to run.....

She keeps saying, "refer to ENGLISH 1302 for..."
And in my head, I am shouting, "that was ten years ago lady.... the only thing I remember was the hot pink stitching on Fluff Montano's jeans"
(that's what we called our professor because he had the worst case of bed-head you have ever seen!)

I want to drop it.
But I wont.

***
My Mamaw turned 96 on Monday.
And was just discharged from her first time EVER to stay in the hospital.
I was a basket case.
You don't go a century without one stay at the hospital unless you truly need to be there.
I prepared myself that this was the end for her.
And with that came lots and lots of tears.

I love her so much.
I'll write a whole other blog about why she is so special to me.

For now she has been discharged home,
to Hospice care.

***
My husband [is driving me nuts].
when the pieces start to crumble apart,
he turns into a 4th grader.
He tries to be funny or make light of my madness.
Or make random sounds or noises just to fill blank air.

It makes me what to rip off his head
with the swords I keep stored behind my retina.

He met me at the door twice last week with a hug,
saying, "I don't want to fight".
But he's lying.

I know that,
because the very next day,
we repeat the one before.

It isn't real fights...
not things you would divorce over--
its stupid stuff, like me making dinner (at 3:00 in the afternoon so he doesn't have to mess with it while I go to work) but him turning up his nose to say, that's what he had today for lunch.... but then going on to say he will eat it.  (as if he is doing me a favor)
Entitlement.
Or me cleaning the house all day, going to work for 3 measly hours, and walking in to see the destruction he, Maddox and Buzz Lightyear can accomplish.
Me, switching my entire work schedule for something that came up on his agenda, and then him having the balls to say that he wished I was still off on my normal day too, so he could do this, that, or the other .....

Or just being obnoxious.
I told him, "I can not keep the 4 month old from crying... that's the way he communicates.  I can not keep the 3 year old from talking.... that's how he learns.  But surely.  Surely. The 30 year old can go one day without making up stupid songs, making animal noises or over-exaggerating my mood with his woos! and wows! and oh mys!

***
Maddox.

In every way that I have pushed this child intellectually,
I have failed him socially.

Moving back here, we have tons of neighbors with boys his age.
He talks older than every one of them.
His vocabulary is unreal.
....Not always correct but honestly awing!

Like this week when I said a shark was 'awesome'--

and he, tried to trump me, by calling it 'architect'! 

...I said architect, huh?  What does that mean?

 in which he matter of factly replied,

"like castles and stuff, you know really cool."

But socially, I feel like he is so behind.
All of the boys in our neighborhood can ride a bike.
Maddox doesn't even have a bike.

One wanted to race Maddox ,
and he beat him by a good 5 feet.
Maddox, out of breath, proudly announced, "I won."
The other boy looked confused and said, "no, I did."
But Maddox kept on, "whew! I am one fast kid.  I won."
He had no idea.

A girl at a birthday party told him that she didn't want to play with him,
he said, "of course you do.  I am Maddox, an every day super-hero."
No social cues, I tell you.

When the other boys would run off, around the corner, or further than I would like...
he wouldn't.
He would stare at me.
Or say, "I have to ask my mom."
Thankful, yes I am...
but he looks ike a pansy--
and I know that is my fault.

He needs to be in a school.
But we were too late.

***
School.

We met 2 boys at the park, who were both within months of each other.
All 3 played really well together...
(even though Maddox refused to call one his name, just super-spidey-jump-master)
again with the social short-fall.

They are starting a MDO just down the street from our neighborhood.
I wanted Maddox to go too.

Lance feels like Maddox has 3 years before he is in school-- we are in no rush.
I feel like he is being short changed with his best friends being adults.

It is expensive,
but I told Lance I was willing to work all 4 night clinic nights to make up the difference to pay for it.

Lance said, "we will talk about it."

What he means is, he is teaching a class at the fire department on Wednesday nights.
It trumped my Music Appreciation class-- making me have to take this hard-ass English class in its place.
And now it is trumping Maddox going to school.

***
Blogging.
I have been absent.

I blog in my head all of the time.
(especially during those hours that I wish I were sleeping)
But I don't get to sit down and put it into words very often lately.

I have a few [positive] things I need to share also,
But today, I just needed to vent.

Sorry about that.

***
PMS.

Can I call it that?

I can feel that I am on edge.
I cry watching The Talk.

I assume it is the hormones associated with breastfeeding making me so obnoxious.
And stubborn.
And emotional.
And right.

So here's to another 10 months of this!!

Hang on to your hats!

***
P.S.
I really am happy over-all.

I know that reading this, I sound like I am inches from the edge--
ready to leap.

But I'm not.

I'm just expressing life.
And today... the negative parts.

Beckham is rolling over both ways now-- traveling all over the living room... a happy, and easy little thing.
Maddox is smart and funny and incredibly loving.  Like me, he has no problems sharing his feelings and unfortunately he too, wears them on the tip of his shoulder.
Lance is the yin to my yang.  I can't imagine how crazy this house would be if he were as worried about everything I was or couldn't make me laugh when I was about to lose it.
As much as I think I hate him sometimes-- I love him a million times more.

***
Off to read a story about a baby falling into a bunch of monsters in the under-world...
or something like that.

I think I may just write a report about "The Help" and tell her it was a much better story.

Peace out, Blogger world

confession

I should confess,
to you, blogger world,
what my husband and family are already aware of.

I have been having an affair for over 5 years.
It is serious.
Completely emotional.
But real.

I am sad to admit, however,
that this relationship is going through a major change.
And me and my marriage to my actual husband are going to have to adjust.

What I mean is this:
My friend Amanda took a full time job.

We talk every day,
sometimes Most-times, multiple times a day.

When my kids do something new,
when there's news at work,
in life,
with my marriage,
family
or anything worth noting really...

I know 3 people I have to tell:
Amanda.
Lance.
Mom.

Why I say that my marriage will have to adjust,
is because Amanda sometimes acts a a buffer.

It works like this::
We are pissed at our husbands...
we vent to each other,
and by the time they get home
we are over it.
(or we have gotten some good ammo information for a fight discussion to be had!)

Or (like yesterday) we think our babies have morphed into evil aliens...
we confess our day
and the other one reminds us how many times we have been around each other's well behaved kids...
that it is a stage.
that we are good mom's.
that all kid's throw fits, act out, disobey, have bad days...
and that this too shall pass.

You see, my husband is not the greatest hand-holder...
but he will have to learn
if he is going to fill Amanda's shoes.

Dr Phil calls this kind of friendship an affair.
And we are totally cool with that.

I talk to other friends too.
One even came over yesterday to play
and I have a date set for tomorrow with another.

But my affair with Amanda is more of an addiction
and no-phone-call-days-- or 10 minute spurts on others, is going to be a life adjustment.
Seriously.

I am looking into rehab.
(or a GNO, which sounds way more fun!)


I am happy for Amanda,
and her new adventure.

One thing I know for sure,
is she made the right decision for her family, and her work gained an awesome, caring, dedicated, kick-ass nurse.
And the 2nd thing I know (or maybe this actually counts as the 3rd thing),
I miss her.

rambling again....

I am so glad we still have 3 years before we start school.
All of these adorable pictures of my friend's kids going to school,
are honestly, stressing me out!

Chill Holly,
we still have time.

***
Beckham is 4 months old today!
He talks all of the time... coos, blows bubbles and yells!!
He kicks his feet at a million miles per minute...
And has mastered the 'M' sound,
Lance swears he can already says Momma!

We call him Mr Serious...
 but he is so ticklish!

Like Maddox did,
He smiles with his entire face.

He still wakes up about 4 times at night to nurse...
And Maddox still crawls into my bed about 90% of the time...

Soooo...
Most mornings, when Lance leaves for work, his snuggle buddy is Maddox,
and Beckham and I are making the most of Maddox's twin size bed and 200 count scratchy sheets.

I will sleep again.
I keep promising myself this.

And longing for the day that it comes true.

***
I think we have found our groove...
and nothing makes me happier.

Tomorrow my friend Candace and I are having a recipe swap...
I might share some of our ideas in a blog.
And you guys can offer a few of your EASY. CHEAP. [crockpot or casserole] favorites!
Town and Country delivers our meat Wednesday...
and my groove will be closer to being complete.
Again, I love routine.

***
I think the move was rather un-eventful for Maddox.
I anticipated major anxiety...
but he did really well.

***
Beckham, on the other hand, is experiencing some anxiety, I think?!
He rarely cries, but when we get in a group (ie: the past 2 weekends, we have gone to birthday parties)
my baby screams.
Like, an unbelievable sound that shouldn't come from such a small body.
He gets so worked up, he can't even nurse and it becomes a game of daddy vs. momma to see who has the magic touch.

***
Other than our social anxiety and recent diagnosis of reflux...
all is well!


































***
I read 12 chapters of 'The Help' last night.
Finally.
I want to finish it before I see the movie.

I also, recently, signed up for an English class.
By accident.
Kind of.
I went to sign up for Art Appreciation, or Music Appreciation-- a "blow off class"
but the online versions were full.

And since I am a mom...
who works...
I had to choose something else to count as a humanity that I could take on-line.
American Literature it is.

I am already having issues logging in.
And I emailed the wrong professor.

Let's face it.... I am now the old lady in class!
But I am going to kick this class' ass, just wait.

And then I am taking one class next semester (with a lab)
And thennnn.....
Candace and I will start our program Summer 2012!

And graduate December 2013.
Hoorah!!

***
I feel like, if I post my plan here.
I won't back out of it.
This was always in my plan to go back to school...
I just had to find the time to do it.
And to put me first again.
(or somewhere near the top) 

***
After school...
Lance and I can start talking about the next one of these.

because I'm good at these.
And still miss being pregnant.

***
Now off to clean,
prepare dinner,
laundry,
play,
bathe...

you know, the things I don't get paid for...
and then on to my paying job at 5:00.

--until next time blogger friends!

checking in and rambling on

Yesterday, a sweet blogger friend checked in on me.
...as did my BFF who thought I might had removed her from the e-mail list because she hadn't received an email [blog] in a month!
It made me feel loved, that you guys remembered me....
but also way behind!!

Laying in bed last night, Lance said, "I think you need to update your blog and let people know we are okay... tell them we won't have internet until the 25th, but you will be back..."
So apparently, Mr. I-rarely-read-your-blog... is a fan after-all!  ;)

It was on my list of to-do's for today...

But after the texts from my manager mom that said, "No blog lately" ... "You've had nearly 2700 hit since June 15.  Every ones waiting!"

--I made it a priority.
But I am behind! 

I hate to blog like this--- because I end up all over the place-- rambling about...
But I really have no other choice!

So I am checking in.

I'll use the photos in my phone to catch up!
Here goes...

We are alive.

We have moved completely out of the farm house...
but not all the way in to our Haslet home.

It was hot moving process!
And since Lance's days off are in the middle of the week...
we had little help.
My brother's kids came to play one day so that he could help Lance...
[I love this picture-- so I thought I would share.]

Lance and I got a date night somewhere in this crazy mix...
The Movie Tavern to see Horrible Bosses...
Drinks.  (or a drink, each)
Sweet Sammies for dessert.
We walked down to listen to the live band at Freds but there were no tables open so we left.
It was nice...
and hopefully we will get another one soon.

Beckham is cooing... talking... and laughing out loud...
His new trick is to blow bubbles....
and he has mastered rolling over!

I have recently let him start sleeping on his stomach to see if we can take the feeding-every-3-hours to feeding-every-5.
I know it is against the rules...
But a girl's gotta' do what a girl's gotta' do!
(I remove the snuggie once he crashes)

Maddox is still three [going on 13].
And active and full of imagination.
He makes me laugh a lot...
and he makes me tired too.

He recently spent some of his birthday money (plus my $130 gift card) on his very own rectangle tv like Daddy's.
He is so proud of it.


The house is still not in order.
But little by little, we are getting there. 

The ideas I pinned on Pinterest did not make it into the house.
Yet.

[But I did try the no-heat sock curls I found on there.

Youtube it.

Easy and worth sharing.]

The stuff that I said I wasn't going to re-hang once we moved back in, is back on the walls because I liked it better than blank-ness and nail-holes.

I am trying to move my old stuff around...
and create something different.
I am trying.

While unpacking, we ran across Lance's kindergarten shirt.
I am not sure if it is funnier than it almost fits Maddox already...
Or that it fit me as a senior in high school?
(yes, I wore it... because I was cool like that!)


My Nana bought me a new vacuum.
But no one is happier than Lance.
It is the little things, right?!

Our renters destroyed our yard.
Unplugged our sprinkler system and didn't water...
our bushes are dying...
They parked with one tire in the grass.
Lance is so mad.
We hope we can get it back.
But it is the risk you take in renting...
and it could have been so much worse.

We are adjusting to a bit of a system again.
Routine and meal planning.
Learning Beckham's cries and schedule.
I love me some structure.
Life works so much better that way.

My cousin is moving into the house across the street from us in 2 weeks.
We are so excited.
And Maddox and her little girl, Kyleigh, are exactly a year apart and he is excited to have a play-mate.

However, all in Haslet is not exciting.

Lance and I have fought every day since we have been back.
I know it is mostly stress.
And by being together since we were kids,
we fall back into bad habits when we argue.
It is just a rut in our road.
We've whipped through worse.
And we will again...
But I need to be heard by him...
And I won't let my bitching go until I am.

Beckham still has a cold.

I can't remember if I blogged about the fit I threw on the phone with the nurse.
And how mad I was at the doctor who told me to read through my cold protocol.
(as if I don't make the majority of my paycheck off of this protocol alone.)
And how I yelled and hung up... and then had to call back an apologize.
(you know, because I work there)
And then how I ended up taking him to another doc whom I love... (also in our practice)
and he had an ear infection.
(mommy voice trumps all-- remember that)
Well, that was probably 3 weeks ago... and he had had the cold for a week prior.
I'm starting to think he has some reflux.

He has his 4 month check up next week...
We will discuss it more then.

Onto other health news:::
My entire house just survived gastro last week.
Beckham was sleeping in his own bed and I got up at 4:00 when Lance left to check on him.
He was laying in a pile of vomit.
I cleaned him up and moved him to my bed.
By 9:00, there were more towels than sheets on my bed.
Maddox was following me around complaining of his tummy too,
but then would go back to jumping, yelling, and playing so I thought it was an attention thing.
That was until he stood up in the center of me bed, screamed and then projectile vomited all over my room.
I called Lance at 2:00 to tell him that he was in for a long night, because both boys were sick.
He said to make that 3... and I needed to call in.
By 7:00, I had joined the crew.
My mom came over to help...
and took herself home a little souvenir also.
It was a nasty virus.

But we are all better now.

Just in time too...
because we had dinner plans with our friend, Kaleb, in from Austin on Friday.

And a swimming party this Saturday for my sweet niece Landry.

And I had to work my first weekend day on Sunday, since having Beckham.
I worked with Amanda...
and as always, we had more fun then work.

In Lance news:::
He finally went to the doctor for his reflux.
He had blood drawn for the first time in his life.
It all looked okay, but he has to have an upper GI.
Hopefully we can fix him up...
He has had stomach issues forever!

I also want to share a sweet I-love-my-husband story.

Lance randomly gave away his in-fielder's glove to a man at work's son.
This is huge since I had one of his gloves [Reggie] re-done one year as a gift.
(It cost more than the original glove did)
This man shared a story about his son loving baseball but he couldn't afford him a glove.
Lance said he was going to come home and look for it... and maybe give him his in-fielder one.
The next day it was on the kitchen table.
I did not put it there.
Maddox said he didn't either.
Weird how that worked out.
The man almost cried that Lance gave it to him.
There is not much more that can make my heart melt...
especially since I know he planned on giving it to the boys one day.
But he did the right thing,
and it made him feel good to do that.

As for me::
I haven't done anything good.

I lost 2 more pounds.
1 more pound to get to Maddox' pre-pregnancy weight...
ten to get to Beckham's.

It is hard...
because I am so hungry.

My friend Kimberly and I have decided that breastfeeding cravings are worse than pregnant cravings...
especially after I sent her this picture of my night stand at 10:00 at night.

But Lance would probably tell you the broccoli I scarfed down at midnight was more weird!

My hair is falling out.
Maybe stress...
Or maybe Beckham sucking all the protein out of my body.
It is really making me want to cut my hair back off...
Lance is encouraging me not to.

I had dinner with my mom tonight.
No kids.
No men.
It was fantastic!

I told her I feel like a big ball of PMS...
except I haven't had a period in over a year.
I'm moody and sappy and have a chip the size of China on my shoulder.

I feel like I am doing an doing and doing...
and making sure everyone and everything is running smoothly...
and no one notices.
They just need more.

I'm going to shake it...
Or someone...
But I'll kick it!!

Enough whining....
I am off to bed.

Happiness is a choice.
Those were my own words!!!

Here's to tomorrow....
[and the person I kick!]  ;)

MIA

Dear Blogger-world...
I miss you lots!

We still do not have internet at the house, or tv.
I borrowed my mom's air-card so I can input calls (for my job) but I have not surfed for recreation.
(except from my phone)

I honestly enjoy the missing TV...
(and Lance's inability to engulf himself in it)
but the net....
I need him back!

Hopefully they will both be in working order by next week...
(As well as the washer and dryer.)
And I will be back to blogging.

I am guessing the house will still be in shambles by then, but I am okay with that.
I have no idea where Holly went,
but I am not even stressing.
And I like it.

This past week I have had so many of my friends help us out...
keeping the boys,
lending a trailer...
one even took a load of my laundry and did it!!!  (no joke)

I seriously do have the best friends in the world.
I tell them a lot.
I hope they know I mean it!

My mom has helped me a lot too...
Watching the boys when she can,
and came over our first day in and whipped a lot of things into shape.
She's kind of known for this talent.

We dumped 2 more loads on top of it and I need a return visit from her to sort through my chaos once again!!  ;)

Tomorrow my Nana is coming over to play with the boys so I can get some (hopefully) uninterrupted work done...
But again, I am not stressing.
It will all come together at some point.

Like Keri said, "Home is where your family is"
and my family is in unorganized chaos....
but it is home.


**On another note...
I followed a bunch of blogs in the beginning of my blogging journey that I do not want to follow any longer but can. not. stop.
They are mostly big blogs who post a lot a day and I hate it because I can't see the ones I really read.
Can anyone help me?
I have tried several different ways--
I've read through the help forums--
Lots of ideas--
but none successful.

Peace out blogger friends!!