Thursday, January 9, 2014

Negative Nancy; checking in

I have heard that if you have nothing nice to say, then you should say nothing at all.
Well today is not my day.

And since Beckham is now 72 hours into vomiting, fever, diarrhea, and the pissiest attitude that I have ever seen--- my mom spent her day in the hospital having cat scans and being diagnosed with diverticulitis (while I sat at home sick, thinking she might have colon cancer), my neck being able to turn only about a .2 degree radius without a horrific pain shooting down my spine-- Maddox crying that he is scared, every. single. night. without fail-- call, being rock-star busy-- and having the pleasure of cleaning up the most awfullest smelling liquid stool not even 6" from the toilet, and all over the floor-- while Lance slept-- while mother nature knocks at my door and begs me to lose it--
I'm done.

Log off now if you aren't into bad attitudes, you've been warned.

First of all, I like posting pictures of my kids.
They're my kids.
Don't take it personal when one of my friends calls them models.
They're really not models.
Hence the fact that we are still poor nor have you seen them in the window of your local Gap.
I just have sweet friends.
And God asked me to think that they are cute, and love on them, and praise them, and post pictures of them too-- I'm sure!!
Obviously I don't have a whole lot more going for me over here… just give me that!  ;)

Also, this is my blog.
My place to post my thoughts, my opinions, and our life stories.
Sorry if it sometimes comes across braggy-- or negative-- or too happy or too mushy or whatever isn't to your likings.
I try and mix up a good array of all emotions-- the good, the bad, the ugly-- and I try to write by pretending that no one else is reading so I can be unfiltered.
The main reason that I blog is to create a time-stamp for my boys one day-- same as our yearbooks we bought in school.
It also serves as a debridement for me sometimes, and often my only release so that I can move on without going crazy!  Cheap therapy, if you will!
Either way, it is for me… us… The Erwins… and if I tried to not offend the 70,000 other people who popped over, I'd have to leave each page blank.
So sorry if you are or have been one of those.
And if you haven't… hang tight, today just might be your day!

Thirdly, Read this::
Mainly because there's a grown woman on my FB who constantly writes hateful things, laced with scripture and fancy verbiage.
Her daughter is openly gay, and I find it annoying.
I can't imagine doing that to my kids-- as if the world isn't hateful enough.
Before Kaleb calls me out as a flip-flopper, yes-- I was quick to back Phil from Duck Dynasty.
Why?  Because I think people can have an opinion.  Their own opinion-- especially if they're not being hateful.  And I like that show.  My kids like it too.
Good family fun, no foul language, and a little prayer at the end.
I'm all over it.

People selling stuff.
I know everyone is trying to make a buck-- I get that-- I'm not even annoyed at that in itself.
I have some friends making some serious cash from it… and they're not beating me down to get there.
I truly am proud of them. I am.
It is the ones with the nonstop inspirational junk telling me that I am "stuck" in the same place or not reaching my full potential if I'm not doing what they're doing.
It's rude.
I don't want 15 emails begging me to be on some team-- and I don't want to buy anything either…
As a matter of fact, I didn't even make any New Years resolutions, so quit telling me I did!
You rock your amazing body--
I'll keep wearing my after-baby jeans and praising your success!
From afar.
Without selling anything.  :)

Changing sheets.
My poor baby-- the big one-- is still wetting the bed.
It was only once a month or so, and I guess because I did it until I was in the 1st grade, I originally thought it was normal.
But now that I have a potty trained two year old who NEVER does it, I realize that it might be an actual problem.
He hasn't in the last week but over the holidays it was getting out of hand. I know with all of the running around, he was more tired and sleeping deeper…
however, one can only wash so many sheets, or get drenched themselves in the middle of the night so many times, before getting ugly about it.
And one can only read up on adolescent bed-wetting and the depression and self -esteem issues that can come from it so many times before they feel like loser, doing everything wrong.
I put a diaper over his underwear one night during the 3-night-escapade of tee-teeing, once he had already fallen asleep-- and it broke his heart the next morning when he saw it.
"One" is a bit overwhelmed by it all --not wanting to do medications --knowing that the bed-wetting alarm will wake him about as well as if you were to whisper his name from 3 houses down would, as he sleeps like Lance  --that the bed wetting diapers for big kids obviously aren't an option  --and since we already limit night time drinks AND wake him during the night to make him go… I am out of ideas.
My fear is that he will not be able to spend the night with his friends or be made fun of.
I hate it.

This house.
Is a disaster.
I have said it before and I will say it again… I can't function in chaos.
My Christmas stuff is stacked in the kitchen-- clothes to donate fill up my entry way-- the play room is disgusting--
and I honestly don't know where to start ...or stop.
The selling of the house is still moving forward perfectly.  The house passed inspection and he only asked us to change one tiny thing that cost no money and two minutes of time.
The appraisal is supposedly going to be done this week-- but I still have this crazy worry that it is all going to fall through and I don't want to put the cart in front of the horse and do a whole lot of moving and boxing--
but I also don't want Lance to move all of the Christmas stuff up into the attic, just to move it all back down in two weeks.
So we are living like hoarders eating cat hair.
And we don't even own a cat.

My phone bill was almost as much as my car payment this month.
They're always so friendly when I call, so I hate to even complain--
but something is going on over there…
and I can't figure out what?
I work from my phone, so I have to talk on it but I am going to have to get another part time job to pay this bad boy if it doesn't get better!

I hate how people are so passionate on one side of the margin or the other…
I try to stay midline and off of people's toes but it has been all over my newsfeed lately and tonight I am giving in.

I happen to GIVE then as my JOB.
Something that I gave a lot of time and thought and tears into deciding to do.
I sat in front of my tv and watched the same Oprah episode that millions of others did where Jenny McCarthy planted the original seed of fear in me.
I almost quit my job over it, no lie.
But study, after study, after article, after educated opinion, after research, after on and on and so on…. proved to me that I am indeed helping children and not hurting them.
I had to believe that in my heart to continue doing my job.

The system isn't perfect, I will give you that.
I don't think it is a totally a one-size-fits-all kind of deal, either.
Of course there is a risk-- as there is to strap your kids into the car and drive 75 down the highway or take them into the pool with 50 other splashing kids.
But we do the best we can with what we've got and all have to weigh the risk vs reward.
We all don't have to do it the same.
That's okay.
I don't lash out at people who choose not to vaccinate because I know they have a choice just like I do.
However, I take it personally when people claim that it is a political/ money thing sent on by the government to scare you or other garbage like that.

I love kids.
I can't even tell you how many phone calls and texts I answer every week for friends or "friends of friends" that is completely off the clock and just out of love.
I would never choose a career to intentionally hurt people's children.
The doctors that I work for love kids, they vaccinate their own kids for Pete's sake--
these are people who have answered my own personal calls at dumb hours of the night-- waited up until 2:00am when my son over-dosed, stitched my other child's foot on their kitchen table and offered to drive out to my house (an hour away) to check on my blood pressure.
They aren't about stealing your money.
And I, am certainly not.
So to read any different is offensive to me.

Please understand that I am not lumping all non-vacciners into the same category.
Remember that I split up my vaccines for my kids; slow and steady until they were 2… I get fear.
My friend Jennifer's little boy can't get the flu shot-- he's highly allergic.
There are real reasons to skip some.
But it boggles me that some people let the fear of autism trump the fear of terrible, horrible, nasty, diseases that kill people.
I mean if there was a vaccine that you could get today that guaranteed that you would never have cancer-- or a heart attack-- or diabetes--
People wouldn't think twice.  Because they're real fears.  Most likely you know know someone personally with one of these things and can't imagine how you would deal with that had it happened to your kids-- or husband-- or parent.
But now we are in a generation of people who have not seen these deadly illnesses that killed many many children just decades previous, so it isn't real to us anymore.
Thankfully, vaccines did that for us!!

I believe that it is a personal decision, and I had to let my fear of the unknown be trumped by the self-awareness that I would never forgive myself if I ever watched my baby take their last breath over something I could have prevented.
I know me.

For that, I am the first to tell mom's to "follow their mommy gut"-- chances are, if you have ever called me for medical advice, I have said that to you more than once.  I believe that there is a lot to be said for mother's intuition.
I also know that as moms we worry about every little thing and question are every decision we make… while letting ideas from uneducated sources (like a reality tv star) creep into our thoughts and drown us.
Though I do not think it is smart, I am not offended by the choice not to vaccinate-- that's not what I am getting at here…

My point is that it should be a personal (family) decision… and one where the nurses and doctors aren't painted as bad guys, using your kids as bait to gain a quick buck.
To me, that is ludicrous and insulting.

So there.
I am pretty sure I have aired the majority of my negative energy, stepped on more toes than a packed dance floor and my stomach is in knots, just getting it all out.

I am off to bed-- because not only does my neck hurt, but my left thumb is numb and throbbing.

On one final note-- today marks the one year anniversary to Beckham's over-dose.
So take this as your friendly reminder to clean out your medicine cabinet and make sure you are using child-proof bottles-- kept way out of reach!!

Your girl, Negative Nancy--


  1. I think you are GREAT!!! I don't mind negative nancy every now and then! :)

  2. People can be pretty ugly. I can't even imagine not supporting my child because they are gay and that article puts things into perspective. I hope the person making those comments finds that article.

    About Jenny McCarthy - she has actually come out and revealed that her son never had autism in the first place. He has some sort of rare neurological disorder. So there's some food for thought for those that listen to celebs. It's all about education - everyone takes what they learn and applies it in their own way. We should NOT condemn anyone for going one way or the other. Let's support each other...geeze!

    I wish I could have a smidge of your honesty and fearlessness to just let it all out. <3

  3. Round two...I typed out a long comment and it didn't post. :/
    I feel like if someone is reading my blog or my instagram without the best intentions, or to criticize me, then they are just spying, and that is mean. You shouldn't have to filter what you say and do. You always do things with your whole heart, and I admire that in you. The situation with your friends saying your boys are models...they are GORGEOUS...and you are not soliciting those comments, those are just sincere comments made by sweet friends...and if a third party wants to twist that all around, then they really don't know you at all. I don't need someone's cream or supplement or their fitness coaching in order to live my best life ever....that just makes me run! The thing with vaccines is kind of like guns to me, we have our own opinions, I respect what others want to do with those subjects, and I hope I would never make anyone else feel bad about their choices. You hit the nail on the head with how you expressed your view on it all! And, I appreciate you coming to my rescue when I've reached out to you for medical advice and help. You are a treasure. xo

  4. I am so sorry!!
    Your kids are adorable and you are a wonderful mom...a wonderful and loving mom. I LOVE seeing pictures of your sweet kids on away!!

  5. Holly, I'm a first time reader of your blog and I am amazed! I absolutely love your honesty and talent! Please don't let the negativity of a few get you down. Judgement without perceptive is a crutch for the foolhardy; it reinforces paradigms that denigrate common sense. You are clearly a smart woman and an amazing wife and mother. I recently read a blog post that women want each other 'to fail because it makes us feel better about ourselves' and I can't even imagine living life feeling that way! I want nothing but the best/success for my friends and from what I've read you feel the same. You keep being you, Holly Erwin! You are an inspiration!