Sunday, August 24, 2014

The last of summer

Since we start school Monday, I thought I should upload the rest of our summer's pictures, before its overran with pictures of school stuff and rays of emotions!

Playdate with the Byford crew...
Cashed in the change in their piggybanks, and padded their little savings accounts some more...
A family date in Sundance square...
Cast off... wallet at home-- had to do the drive of shame from the Chickfila window and Maddox proclaimed it was the most embarrassing day of his life!
School readiness... even if B ripped through all of Maddox's supplies and rubbed glue sticks all over the walls.
A jog with Goose... that destructive little hound that eats through my straightening iron and makes me psychotic.
More swimming...
Watering... in the buff, of course.
Cool deliveries in the mail...
Family participation to the ALS cause (The boys were all in their own videos, not pictures)
More swimming...
Meet the teacher...
A filling on a tooth that put him to sleep...
Planes Fire and Rescue...
Our cousin's birthday party and ducks unlimited banquet for the boys... where Lance won a gun!
And last minute errands today, and family time together.

The house is asleep and I am not far behind them.
Maddox has been very emotional since meet the teacher and very quick to cry.
Today he fell asleep in the car and we tried waking him.  He was being irrational and disrespectful and not very Maddox-like at all.
Lance finally saw that he wet his pants during his sleep.
He was so so embarrassed and broke down saying, "I'm too old for this mommy.  I should do better.  I am just not ready for kindergarten... I just can't..."
And I physically felt my heart break for him as we hugged and cried.
He can.
We can.

Tonight we had icecream,
tomorrow we fly.

And probably cry.  
I just like to be honest.

Little did I know, the caps lock was unnecessary.
Literally I would blink-- and four years would be gone.

Let's do this, I guess.
Summer is officially over.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

oh dear

It hit me last night that this chapter has closed.
The years without structure and days solely belonging to me are gone.

Even for Beckham, as everything now revolves around a bell-- always a come and a go with a place to be-- the world as we have known it for the last 6 years is behind us.

As much as I have claimed that I was ready for Maddox to fly, that he is ready to soar, that we were excited for this new transition in our lives--
I was wrong.

In exactly one week, we are sending our first born child into a completely new world with rules and substance and structure that he has never known.  We are handing him to critics and non-believers and people who don't own a pedestal to put him on.  For the first time in his life, he will no longer be the smartest, funniest, silliest, most precious 6 year old in the room... He will be one of many. 

I was scrolling through Pinterest as I snuggled up next to him in my bed last night and I read this:

I wont always cry mommy, when you leave the room
and my supermarket tantrums will end too soon.
I won't always wake daddy for cuddles through the night
and one day you'll miss having a chocolate face to wipe
You wont always wake to find my foot is kicking you out of bed
or find me sideways on your pillow where you want to lay your head.
You wont always have to carry me in asleep from the car
or piggyback me down the road when my little legs can't walk that far
So cherish every cuddle and remember them all
because one day Mommy, I won' be this small.

And like a pipe under pressure, I broke.  Exploded actually.
Sobbing and pleading and apologizing and overwhelmed-- floods of tears.

I was swallowed in guilt for days that I can not change.
I was wishing I hadn't swept my kitchen three times a day or felt the need to clean before any other activity.
I was begging for minutes back that I was on the phone and not playing with them.
I was overwhelmed with the times that they rode my nerves and made my days long, and I yelled or said things that I can't take back.
I was mad and sad and overwhelmed and lonely.
I was homesick.
I would have sold my soul to reverse the clock to be back in the hospital room with that little 8lb 9oz baby, yelping out in prayer to a room full of strangers-- begging for his lifeless blue body to come back to me.  And he did.
I would have started at that wild day that he welcomed me to this crazy roller coaster of endless love that they call motherhood, and played every minute from that day forward in slow-mo, so that I could tattoo his every expression and thought and milestone and breath into my brain-- instead of doing life, I guess. 

If you know Maddox, you know how this went over with him as well.
Like two teenage girls going through our first breakup together, we held each other and sobbed-- while he pleaded with me that I am the best mommy in the world.  --And I apologized for not being perfect.

Today we went on like we weren't out of control last night...
And then tonight when we prayed, we both cried again.
And again, and again... both feeding off the other, scared for new beginnings-- and holding on to one another like it would be our last embrace.

This has to get easier...
At some point my chest has to quit hurting.
He will love school.

I hate change.
I hate feeling out of control.
I can not believe this door has closed.
And furthermore, I am appalled at how fast these years have flown.

So tonight, all alone, I guess my prayer for kindergarten goes something like this:

Lord please let them love him like I do.  Even though I know that is a lot to ask.
Please let them understand that I am trusting them with my greatest prize... one so special and bright and irreplaceable. 
Please let Maddox feel confident, and excited, and happy, and included. 
...and give him an open heart to help a kid more scared than him.
Please give him a teacher who gushes with hugs and praises with kindness.
And please surround him with friends who are happy and sweet.
Finally, give me peace for this transition-- and let Lance not be the only dad who cries when we drop him off that first day.
Lord, I have no idea how you gave your son to die on a cross-- since I can barely send mine to Kindergarten, but it is the end and the beginning, all in one.
And you know I do not do well with change.
Thank you for this boy of mine-- and my husband who has helped me raise him to fly.
And for his little brother too, who we all couldn't adore more.
Finally, let me soak in these last 7 days, and not take a minute for granted.

oh my, oh dear--
Kindergarten is near.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

ending July

I know it is August, but there was a lot that I never covered in July-- so I am going to back track and post it now.

Our friends invited us over for a cookout...
Clint made a kobe beef brisket and ribs-- which was honestly some of the best eating I have maybe ever had!
I let Maddox take off his brace and he swam in their tank!
Their new place is beautiful... and we had a great time.

That following Monday, we traded the brace for a cast.
The orthopedist was very nice and even took me back to see the films but I felt like redneck trash when he asked Maddox what happened to his thumb (which is black under the nail) and he said, "my slingshot... my other thumb use to have one too, I caught it in my BB gun while cocking it-- but it healed."
Then he went on to tell him about the tank swimming from a couple of days before, and our mudding in the Ranger.
I was just thankful he didn't let him in on my broke pinky toe, that I caught on the coffee table while attempting to spank him.... but it was probably coming next.
I was giving him the crazy eyes to try and hush him, but I guess they aren't very successful at 6.

We opted for the waterproof option, and we have continued to put it into good use.
We spent the day after it was applied at the water park with the Addington girls.
It seems to work pretty well, other than the padding on the edges looking pretty ragged.

The dog is still making us miserable.
I wish I could fake it.
But if the boys aren't squealing and running and crying about being bit, scratched, and chased-- the dog is peeing of the floor or digging into a wall.
He is cute...  I'll give him that.
But he makes me psychotic.

It has given us a few laughs, like when Beckham couldn't understand why would name a dog, GOOSE?  He has offered to change his name multiple times to dog or puppy.  And we got tickled over Maddox talking to him in a baby voice saying, "clearly I'm a mammal..."
But not enough laughs to make me like him.

In fact, Lance and I had such a steamy discussion over this furry little thing-- that I showed up to his family's Friday dinner with a swollen face and tears.

I have also almost burned the house down twice recently, and I am blaming Goose for that too.  My brain can't handle anymore responsibilities-- either the dog or (in these cases) the bacon and house full of thick black smoke.... and then steaks-- on the front porch-- in flames.

Puppies are hard.
Change is hard.

The boys both moved up classes at church last week.
Beckham actually did better-- and admitted he had fun when I picked him up.  (even though he still cried as if it was our last moments together, when I dropped him off)
Lance had to work, so another milestone was that we went without him.

We had a cold front-- which was amazing-- and brought 75-80 degree days for a week straight. 
I [push] mowed for the first time during that-- which is pretty remarkable in itself.

We found a turtle (that B later called a trotadile), and a cat.
B picked me a flower (out of my mom's flower bed) and I made them a sticker chart which worked perfectly for about 4 whole days.  :/
I finished Maddox's school clothes shopping, school supply shopping, and I found myself a couple of treats too.  (all on super-silly-sales, of course.--like half off Kendra Scott, 40% off Vans, and 75% off jeans.)  
I sometimes think I should blog on how to be cheap like me, but reality is that I am the minority in frugal-mcdugal-ville.
Also know as cheapskate avenue. 
I think I still over-bought for Maddox but I did it over the entire summer, and manage to not spend a lot.
I still need to register B for mother's day out and get his supplies bought.
I brought down the 4T box of clothes and will go through that here soon for him too.
I just rotated his shoes in and he obsessed with a pair of Gunner's old hand-me-downs and wears them daily.
It is give and take around here.

A lady randomly signed Maddox's cast without asking first.
I had done my best to keep it neat and clean until she wrote a paragraph (a sweet paragraph, nonetheless)... but I will admit that I was mad.  Some might say, pissed.
Okay, really pissed that I ranted on instagram about it.
Maddox was thrilled however, so we let the birthday party sign too.

My mom told me later that the gal has cancer, so I felt like a real devil for making a fuss about it.
I tend to make mountains out of mole-hills (as we had left Academy a few days earlier without a backpack when Maddox and I couldn't agree on one.)  I think that might have been one of those little nudges from God reminding me that sometimes I need to let things go-- quit trying to control everything-- and life is short.  Sign the cast.

Maddox now has a Ninja Turtle lunchbox for school... aaannnnd a monogrammed plain blue backpack.   
I can't change completely overnight people, this is progress.

The little tease of fall has me ready for October!
The boys need to be outside...  or at least I need them to be!
They are like little balls of energy when they're stuck in for too long... and it makes my days hard.
B told me to "get out of the way, toots." the other day.
I have no idea where it came from, and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't laugh.

The white off-brand power wheels has bit the dust after only 5 months with the Erwin boys-- so we are having to share the red one that is probably 8 years old, and was handed down to us.
I guess brand names matter when it comes to battery operated four wheelers.
Lesson learned.

Finally, we spent a lot of time this weekend with these beauties.
A birthday party, a mom's midnight twerking lesson, and a wine tasting about tapped me out...
actually I didn't taste much wine because my head was pounding and not budging under Naproxin--I guess all of my up-side-down attempts at twerking from the night before made me pay.
Thirty bites.
but it was fun!

Bring on August.
As AmyLou says, "the Sunday of summer."