Friday, July 25, 2014


This has been a rough week for me.

The boy so ready for kindergarten that the weeks can't turn under his feet quick enough--
His brother, finding his footing, expression, and attitude as they all do at three--
And that little dog who's making my life a living nightmare, yelping and peeing and biting and scratching and waking up during the night like a newborn-- are all wearing me down.

We have friends that lost their mom unexpectedly this week and our hearts are heavy for them.
Lance's new schedule is taking some getting use to.
The broken arm.  And orthopedist.  And cast.  And bill that hasn't come yet.
Four trips in to Fort Worth over a 6 day stretch.
Extra call shifts.
Again, the dog...
And of course hormones, those nifty little surges of insanity that brighten any of our days.


It feels like I go through this a few times a year.
I grade my performance as a mother, give myself an A for effort but flunk my skills as a whole.
I cry a little, promise myself to do better, and then keep moving forward-- not really changing a thing.

I read those articles that people post on FB-- and solidify that I am in the losing bracket.
Mom on the iphone... me.
Mom who still hasn't anchored the furniture... me.
Mom who keeps a messy house because playing and learning are more important than being a good house keeper... not me. 
Mom who doesn't want you to help her kid... maybe me?  I didn't really read that one but I would prefer you not touch my kid if I don't know you.
Mom gone gluten free, GMO free, preservative free, all natural, organic and green... wish it were me, but not me.
Mom who doesn't yell... have you met me?
Mom who stopped rushing her kids...  I am raising Lance's children.
Family who got out of debt eating beans and selling all of their extras... broke. Not me.

To be honest, I can't even take a stance on most of them because I get a few paragraphs in and I usually start reading blh, blhp, and so forwarth.  I click out, encouraging myself with, "I'm doing the best I can."
But am I?

Beckham knows the letter B.  That's it.
He can count to 10 if you don't try and make him.
He knows his colors and can build great things from legos.
But he isn't interested in trying to be smart, he would rather play.
And we have time for that.

Kindergarten starts in a month.  My time is up with Maddox.

Maddox can't read any more or less words than he could 2 years ago.  But I haven't worked with him.
Maddox knows zero sight words and I am a stay at home mom.  That's no one's fault but mine.
He has friends his age reading chapter books-- and he's over here writing "Gnr" (Gunner) in his "love garden" on Minecraft, and I'm like, "great job buddy!"
He types more than he writes, therefore his handwriting is out of control.

Sure, he knew all of his letters by 22 months and their sounds by the age of 2-- but he was interested in them then.  He spied them out and asked questions, so I followed.
Now he loves Minecraft and Legos and I am equally as impressed with the creativity with those two, and spend the majority of my day hearing about diamond swords and minifigures.

I want him to be little.
I don't want him to feel like he owes me anything.
I want kindergarten to be kindergarten, like it use to be.
I have created a little being, cut from my cloth of anxiety and desire to be perfect, and I only want him to do a much as he is entertained by and I don't want my wishes to interfere with his dreams.
If I am honest, I do want him to be perfect, but I don't want him to know that-- and equally speaking, I want him to fail, but only to test my ability say "that's cool too".

I have zero doubts that this kid will do great things.  Yes, I am calling that at days into 6.  But I don't care if he is the next Nolan Ryan, billionair inventor of the running cup (his latest invention of a loop that goes on your head and attaches to a ring that holds your water bottle and long straw, while you run), or just becomes a heckofa dad with a 9-5 job and a little house on a hill. 
I want Maddox to follow his dreams-- not ours-- and never be in competition with anyone other than himself... and certainly not my idea of who he could be.

I think it is these things that keep me from pushing him, when I know he's capable of giving me anything I request.
But also that race that he has been in since the day he was born, "is he crawling yet?"  ... "is he walking?" ... "Can he ride without training wheels?" ... "has he memorized the encyclopedia yet" ... "is he the best player on every team he's ever played on?" ... "Does he play for the New England Patriots?"  --"Weird,  My kid has."
I don't want to buy into that--
Although I have a lot of guilt like I should be doing more....

The kid can count to 100, he loves to do math, he can carry on a conversation deeper than some adults I know, and I was told he scored the highest test score going into Kindergarten... so I can't be failing completely, by letting him lead this journey-- right?

If you have read my blog for any period of time, you've seen me here before.  Usually it is hormone driven and time cures my worries, but last night I read this blog and though I didn't share it on FB, for fear of hurting the feelings of my friends in the race to grow the next valedictorian-- I loved what she said, and wanted share it here.

In this house we play.
We get dirty.  ...Filthy, some days.
We ride the Ranger with our hands in the air, and our hair blowing back, and the sun beating on our shoulders.
We fight like warriors, and superheroes, and the boys are always on the same team fighting the common enemy.
We build massive legos.
We get wet at the water park with our friends.
We pray together.
We dance.
We work hard on our manners, and fail daily.
We kiss each other on the lips, no matter who's watching because the world hasn't told us that is weird yet.
We laugh.  A lot.
We cuddle  A lot.
We are always together.
We are best friends.
Most days we watch too much tv. 
Everyday we spend too much time on the ipad.
Sometimes we get in trouble.
And occasionally we get in the car just to change our scenery.

We aren't any more special than our friends around us...
but we aren't school.
Not yet.
We have 13 years ahead of us for that.  And day one isn't for a few more weeks.

I remember my friend Nicolle saying that her son got difficult right before he went to kinder and she wondered if it was God's way of helping us deal with the transition.
I think she's right.

My little love bunny is testing my patience most days--
And I have a little guilt admitting it, but I can honestly say that I am ready.
He is ready.

His handwriting... not so much.
But I trust that it will get there.
...or he'll be a doctor.  Their handwriting always sucks.

Friday, July 18, 2014

The downhill slide.

It all started Wednesday... my night off.

I was up by 5:00am, ironing Lance's jeans.
The kids slept in as they always do and we played outside most of the day-- riding the Ranger, playing trucks in the dirt, throwing the football and riding their scooters down the driveway.

It was a perfect 80 degree day, a gift for Texas in July...
And aside from the grasshoppers, occasional bickering, and Beckham's desire to measure everything in site-- a great day for us.

Our entire driveway is probably a half of a mile long, and the kids were running to the half-way gate and back-- giggling and trying to race each other.
It was a little after six and I sat on my front porch watching them, drinking my sweet tea, soaking it all in--
until Maddox busted up the serenity with a death curdling scream.

As a mom, you know your kids scream... this really wasn't his 'I'm hurt' cry-- it was a scream.. an over and and over, death curdling scream.

Maddox tends to be my more dramatic kid so I didn't pop up and race to him.  I stood and started my way down the driveway saying, "stop screaming and use your words Maddox."  (he used that against me later)

By the time I made it to him, he had stopped screaming but there was not a lick of color left in his face.  No tears either.  Just pale skin, and a look of horror.
He was looking into the sky, holding his arm out as if it were made of lead, saying, "Do you see it?  Is there an extra bone?'

Our driveway is made of dirt and not the best riding ground for his scooter.  He took a fall and tried to catch himself...  The number one way that kids break their arm.
My gut said it was a fracture, specifically a buckle fracture but the only thing throwing me for a loop was Maddox.

We came inside and bathed... and though he refused to use his hand, he never cried about pain.
He would yelp if you attempted to manipulate it, but otherwise just kept it tucked to his body-- and going on about his normal business.
I gave him ibuprofen, braced him up with ice packs and towels, and called his pediatrician for advice.

By this time it had started swelling and bruising, and she was pretty sure it was fractured as well.  She offered to meet me at the office that night or come in early the next morning.
Since his pain was not an issue, we chose the latter.

Dr Hayward has been so good to me over the years, in times of crisis.  I honestly work for some of the greatest doctors in Fort Worth.  ...and that's not just my opinion.

Because we have such a high deductible, we are basically self pay.  I had asked her if she was okay if I went to a free-standing X-ray clinic rather than the hospital, for a cheaper rate.
She was okay with that... But it was my first mistake.

The tech was super nice, cute, and young.  But the first tears shed from Maddox were on the X-ray table as she tried to manipulate his bones for the right angle.  I kept telling him that it was okay, the picture is really fast and we needed to see the bone to determine the fracture...
but the girl felt bad for him and kept trying different things so that he wasn't in pain.
I obviously do not want my child to be in pain, but I also do not want to drop the cash on films that are un-readable as these were.

We left there and headed to the mall where I was able to finish Maddox's school clothes shopping (although they left the stealing thing on a pair of Nikes, so I have to go back), ate mall-pizza by their request together at the food court, and lost 6 quarters in the little riding things that didn't work-- all by noon.

I realized while we were there that I NEVER go to the mall anymore.  I use to frequent that joint a few times a month I would guess-- and I bet I have been twice in 2 years!  My kids were in awe, like it was Disney Land.  And that kind of makes me laugh.

While we were eating, a grown man belched as if he were home alone in his underwear and full of gas!  My kids both looked at me with their eyes as big as oranges and Maddox whispered, "manners".  They aren't the best at their manners, but they both have their caps off their head before we eat, without being prompted and-- let me stop there... Maddox just told me that he tooted with every step from his room to me.  True story.
Also at lunch, I mentioned that Maddox's cheeks looked red.  Beckham chimed in, between his bites of pizza to seriously say, "when you cheeks are red, that means you love somebody."
...they are such little romantics.
Maddox had Lance tell me, "you look pretty on Valentines Day" while we were eating dinner recently.  I questionably told him thanks, and then I saw Maddox shoot Lance the quick wink and thumbs up across the table.  I guess that's the most romantic thing he could come up with-- he's such a lover-- and maybe my cheeks were red.  :)
...but just remember that same little love-nugget toots when he walks.

On a final bathroom break in Dillard's, I asked if the boys needed to go too.  Maddox said yes, and Beckham said no.  (typical)
As I was washing my hands, B came out with his pants still unbuttoned and said, "can you help me?"  He has officially been potty trained a full year but he rarely goes without someone coming with him, and most of the time he convinces you to hold his back while he goes teetee, and he wants to hug you when he poops.
I said, "Did you potty, Beckham?" and Maddox excitably said, "he did!  And he didn't even pee all over the walls!!  Good job Beckham!!"  I am sure the lady in the next stall appreciated that too!

We stopped by Target afterward for a few necessities, and a little Spiderman toy on Clearance as an atta'boy to go with his green splint and xray bravery.

Dr Hayward called to report a "cortical fracture of the distal diametaphyseal junction", per the radiologist.
...Which even google, had no help for me.

She was confused by the jargon, but felt confident we could just splint and re-film in 3 weeks.

Lance got home from work and feeding, and started loving on the little splinted one.
He casually shows me a picture of a yellow lab (that I thought we had agreed we weren't going to get) and said, "your sister is on her way here with him.  I've named him Goose."

I wasn't thrilled.

I am not an animal person, and we all know this thing will be MY responsibility by default.
Maddox, like me, isn't too impressed with animals and his Spiderman toy was quite enough in my opinion.  Five minutes into Goose's life in our house he ran between Maddox's legs causing him to fall on his broken and splinted arm.

Beckham loves dogs but it only took one scratch with razor sharp claws for him to decide that he is terrified by him too.  And when Lance offered Goose a tiny lamb of Beckham's that we have never seen him touch, ever, he swore it was his favorite tiny baby.

I thought my breaking point was when it peed on the carpet and Lance handed me a paper towel to clean it up...
Or maybe 30 minutes later when Maddox shouted at me from the potty that he had pooped and couldn't wipe his hiney with his brace on.  --which isn't that big of a deal--
But as I was walking towards the bathroom, he shouted again, "only mommy come.  I made a big mistake."
I expected to find his splinted arm covered in poop-- but instead I found Lance's phone in the bottom of the toilet, accompanied by poop, and not a lick of life left in it.
It will be my responsibility to get that phone replaced-- add it to the list.

But no, my actual breaking point was around 3:00am when I was up for the sixth time to crying, whining, barking and howling-- plus two little boys, who couldn't sleep through the commotion.
I know how to make a newborn human stop crying.
I have birthed two, and coached more mommies than I can count.
But I have zero maternal instant for the 4-legged community.
And after attempting everything I knew-- I shut the bathroom door and moved the kids to my room.
Shut my bedroom door, and placed a pillow over my head.
Call PITA.

5 minutes back into bed, Beckham (who never has accidents) peed on me.  I hopped up saying, "Beckham!  You're teeteeing!", he answered back, "it's okay.  Just lay down."

Don't judge me.  But that's just what I did.

That dog has slept all day.  And cried.  And pissed on the carpet.
So I anticipate being awake all night-- and more crying-- and more pee anywhere but outside.

I work Saturday-- so the thought of tonight, is about as exciting as the thought of cancer.


Dr Hayward called an orthopedist this morning and he wants to see Maddox Monday morning at 8:30.  He said the radiology report was vague and a grand explosion of useless words.
My excitement of a $200 broken arm just tripled, but what else do you do?

I'm exhausted, I'm frustrated, I'm PMSy, and my house smells like puppy breath.
It's been a downhill slide.
And I think I just need a good cleansing cry.
Or to gouge Lance in his jugular-- that might be nice too.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

A month behind

I am a month behind.  A full month.

As soon as we got back from Red River, we made our way to the water park with the Addington crew.
We swam at our friend Pam's.
We made a trip in to FTW for Pho.
We got some crazy rain, that's unexpected for Texas in June.
And Maddox went to church camp, just in the evenings, and had a blast!
We had a date night with B one of the nights, where he chose Cici's pizza and picked a flower for me.
On the last night of camp-- our whole family got to go.  They gave B a tshirt and let him play on all of the slides with the big kids... and Maddox and I got to represent the purple team on stage.
Back to the water park, we had plans to meet Gunner and Randi-- but Maddox started running a fever and complaining of a sore throat-- and they decided to take a rain check.
My friend Jennifer offered up their season tickets to the Ranger's day game for us girls.
It was hot, and we hardly watched the game-- but we loved our girl time, and the garlic french fries were redic.
Jenn sent me home with sparklers for my boys-- and we ended June, back at Hawaiian Falls with her crew and our pal Chaney.

We started July back at the church.
They put on an awesome 4th of July event, with a zip line (that Maddox shocked us by doing with my friend Mandy's little boy, Kade), bounce houses, trampoline things, water slides, food trucks and an awesome firework show.
The kids loved it!
The next day, Maddox had a dentist appointment in Weatherford.  Mom kept B for me, and Maddox did so good, I told him to pick wherever he wanted to eat.  ...Because he's my child, we had a date at Golden Moon.  I really enjoyed our time together.
I also bought a travel trailer that day.
I use "I" because it was all me... Against all that I typically stand for-- I walked into the bank, asked for a loan, and left 10 minutes later the owner of our first RV.
That's the beauty of small town banking.
Also the beauty of your mom upgrading her RV and you finding out what they were giving her as a trade in, and sliding in to take advantage of the hellofa deal.
July 4th was spent at our friend's Kayla and Camron's house.  It was a great time, with great food, and good enough fireworks for us!
The following night, my sister in love and her family came over with their friends.
My sister brought more fireworks, and we laughed with each other until wee hours of the morning.
Sunday we went to a cookout at Nana's.
I loved laughing with them... and seeing my cousin Ashlin is always a huge bonus!
Summer nights are my favorite-- Minus the mosquitoes, of course.
Maddox turned six on the 10th, and being the procrastinator that I have become, his party isn't until August.
We celebrated with the Eyster sweet thangs, at Hawaiian Falls.
They brought cupcakes and a good time.
We went to a place called Roosters on the square in Decatur that night.

It is hard to believe that Maddox is six. 
He says his favorite color is green, he loves Legos and Minecraft and playing with his brother on their four-wheelers and trampoline.  His favorite foods are pizza and steak.  His favorite sport is soccer.  He wants to be a super hero and an architect when he grows up. And his best friends are Mommy, daddy, and Beckham.

We went to a party on Saturday with our friends, Kristen and Bubba.
These people put on a party of parties.
A gorgeous house, water slide, pool with a bar, live band, yummy food, and the best firework show I have seen.
We left there and swam at our friends'...
Then we introduced our kids to the lost art of toilet papering, at stupid hours of the night.
It was a blast!
Today was Maddox's 6 year check up, and he passed with flying colors-- he's healthy, happy, and we are so ready  for kindergarten.  He was 43.2lbs and 46" tall.  (still tall and skinny)  His BP was 92/50 and HR was 94.
Beckham, however, got into a chocolate bar on the way home, and almost sent me into a psych ward.
He was laughing, yelling, howling, talking like a possessed troll, and out of control.
Call was nuts, he was nuts, and Lance was so tired-- he has been asleep since 7:30.
We are suppose to get rain and cooler temps for the rest of the week-- which means our fun is probably limited to power ranger fights and jumping from every piece of furniture we own like a sugar glider.
Not to mention, a huge mountain lion was spotted on our land yesterday-- so my fear went from wasp stings-- to snake bites-- to cats the size of my car who prowl with intent to rip you hair from your scalp and eat you alive.
I might be talking like possessed troll by Friday, but my sister in law is coming back to town that day and staying with us... So I am looking forward to that!

I think I am back up to date.
I hate getting so behind.

Monday, July 7, 2014

They say...

Lance keeps saying, "we only have a month left..." before everything linked to Maddox.  He prefixes his goodbye kisses with it each morning, and his snuggle time too.
We aren't sending him to military school-- so it is a little dramatic, we also have closer to 2 months before school starts rather than one--
However, in the spirit of our entire world flipping up-side-down, we do only have a little time left to stay up until midnight, sleep until 9:30 and soak up the sun....
I have promised myself that August will be my month to fix our schedule, and get us ready for the next 13 years of structure....
Until then, July is just for play.


Sticking with the Maddox theme, I have a list in my phone that is begging for a blog.
There is a little B in there too, since he has not just come out of his shell recently but EXPLODED and rarely meets a stranger.
His personality is still so different from Maddox's, but he definitely didn't miss the funny gene.

I try and write down the things that I want to remember, with hopes to casually looping them into the next blog, but I always forget.
And when I read back through my list, I realize that the moment and pizzaz is lost, without the expression and energy and 100% sincerity in their voice.
I bet I only catch 10% of the hilariousness in my notes-- because it is constant.
Since I am not sliding them in to a blog, expect choppiness-- I have no creative segway from each funny into the next.

But I want to document it anyway.

Here goes.

Thursday night of church camp last week, was family night.  While giving a lesson, the pastor would ask questions out to the audience, expecting us to shout out the answers back.
Like, "is there anything bad in Heaven?"... while we shout, "NO!"
Or, "who died on the cross for our sins?" ... "JESUS!"
All was well until he asked, "who were the first people on Earth?" and the audience shouted "ADAM AND EVE!", and Maddox turned to me as serious as a heart attack, and said, "seriously?  It was Adam Levine?"


Beckham talks really well, considering I was certain he was a mute at 18 months.  
However he changes most G's to D's, Fs to Ps, a lot of Cs to Ts, a couple of Ts to Ps, Th to D, and Like Maddox did, Ls to Ws-- so there is some de-coding involved.
He can also be very abrupt, a little Sling Blade, if you will.
Last week (also at church camp) we ran into a family that I knew growing up.  They just had a new baby, so while we were talking, I was oohing and awing at their new little gem.
Beckham never cracks a smile, or softens his voice, just abrasively says, "I wike you baby."  She said, "you like my baby?", still stone-cold, he said, "uh-huh.  I want that baby, and I tall her B."


Maddox: I am a karate master.
Beckham:  This is annoying me.


Maddox:  They just said that a girl on the tv has fake boobies!  Why did they say that?
Me:  (avoiding the issue)  I don't know Maddox, I didn't see it.
Maddox:  They must have used oranges.  (he sits quiet for a second) Maybe lemons.


When Beckham knows that he is getting in trouble, he starts saying, "you a beautiful pincess, momma!", and the other day he hit me with a hard-to-turn-down negotiation, "when it's morning, I'm going to give you a beautiful flower."


My friend Amanda and I were talking the other day around babies and jazz and she said, "correct me if I'm wrong, but I would think that kids of the same sex would be much more competitive with each other ."  And I had never thought of it until that moment, but (as of this point in our lives) my boys are the opposite of that.
They are honest-to-God, each other's biggest cheerleaders.
Beckham thinks Maddox is the fastest, biggest, best, most awesome brother, and Maddox encourages B with everything he does, and shouts with excitement over even his smallest successes.

The other day they were playing Pokemon cards and since B obviously has no clue how the game goes, Maddox was helping him.
I heard Maddox excitably say, "you won Beckham!!  You did so awesome!"
I asked Maddox why he let him win and he just simply said, "He's little mom.  I want him to win sometime too."

They will no doubt argue, bicker and fight with the best of them, but there are times when their love for each other amazes me.

A few weeks ago we went to Texas Roadhouse to eat.  There is a store next to it called Five Below.
It is like a dollar store dipped in gold.  They have Legos and Spiderman stuff and other brands that you have actually heard of-- but nothing in the store is over $5.
Lance had promised them both a visit to the store after we ate but B refused to eat.  We told him over and over that if he didn't eat 3 bites, then he could not go to the store.
The stubborn little twirp, didn't fold-- and I had to hold true to my word, which was admittedly hard.
The person who took it the hardest, however, was Maddox.

Lance kept B in the car, while I went in with Maddox.
Maddox asked me right as we walked in, how much he had to spend.  I said, "Five dollars is your max" (knowing that nothing in the store cost more than that anyway.)
He kept a few things in his hands, doing the math each time, trying to decide quantity over quality.
He finally picked up a pack of Pokemon cards for $2 and walked over the package of Big Boot Guys for $3 and said, "can I buy them both?"
I knew what he was doing... Beckham LOVES Big Boots.
And as we were paying, I told Maddox that it was really sweet of him to use his money on Beckham, but Maddox had earned his visit by doing the right thing-- and Beckham had the option to do that also but chose not to.
Maddox matter-of-factly said, "we all mess up sometimes, mom.  I just wanted to give it to him."

And even though Beckham hadn't earned it, I wanted him to know how much his brother adores him too-- so I let Maddox give it to him.


Lance took Maddox to his softball game a few Fridays ago, and B and I stayed home.
I asked Maddox if he had fun, or met any friends.
He said, "I did meet a new friend today and he's a Minecraft enthusiast also."


Maddox had a rash right before we went to Red River.  I stood him in the living room, snapping different pictures to send to my nurse-friends and doctor for a diagnosis, when Maddox said, "take a picture of this group.  It looks like a constellation."
It did.
Although I would have never thought of that.


B is still obsessed with all things red and if it is tiny, that's a huge bonus.
His catch phrase right now is, "impossible".


One day, my mom and I were sitting on her back porch while the boys were riding their bikes around.  Maddox fell and hit his bottom and then back onto his head. 
He yelped, "oh!  I landed on my dignity!"
Mom started laughing, and said, "what's your dignity?"
Maddox looked embarrassed and said, "you know Gigi...." and then almost embarrassed to talk said, "where I grow hair..."
Still thinking that he was talking about his bottom, she said, "hair???"
He said, "yeah.  My noggin."
We couldn't stop laughing.


Maddox can make a PB&J by himself these days... And B loves to help.
It is a guaranteed mess, but something I let go.

One night, at like 11:00, Maddox was trying to convince me that he was STARVING and wanted to make himself one.
He said, "mom, jelly sandwiches are good for your colon."
Sold me.

Although, I can only assume that he knows what his colon is-- since he's been calling his testicals his intestines.  When I asked him what he was talking about, he said, "you said it is a nicer way to say my balls."


me:  whatevs.
Maddox:  don't talk like a teenager.


me:  why do you boys keep coming into my bed every night?
Maddox:  We like to stay with a  pattern.


"when I'm seven, and in highschool...."  --Maddox


me:  your hands smell good.
Maddox:  thanks.  I moisturize.


Annoyed by another kid, Maddox said, "that boy's a menace!"


We had friends come over this weekend.  One couple has a little girl who is just a month older than Beckham.  She sat down by him on the picnic table and he kept scooting further away and finally said, "I' stared of dirls."  My sister-in-law said, "no you're not!  I see your pictures with your friend Audrey all of the time!"  Beckham snapped back, "betuz she's my only dirlprin, sometimes."
He's loyal like his daddy.


Maddox prays like a Southern Baptist pastor... long, windy, but full of passion.
I love to hear him pray more than anything in the world, and my favorite line he says is, "please forgive me for all of the sins I blessed you with."


I wish I had more on my list...
And a video camera on them at all times.
They say the best things, all day long!
And I wish I could remember it all!