have you heard this before?

Thursday it happened again...
I found out my job is changing.

I may get less hours, maybe more, maybe the same, maybe none at all.
No one knows.

My October schedule is still not up...
[And it is October 2nd.]

Unfortunately, my job is a bit of a lottery.
All of it.

I spent Thursday night crumbling.

Hating that I love this company so much--

scared to think about the changes that we will most likely have to make.
Pissed off at the people who are making me miserable.

I hate change.
My schedule works perfect for my family.
I really like my job.
What are we going to do?


Lance says to let him worry about it...
which I think might be his way to say: chill
But I don't even think it is the fear of losing my job that works me over so...
It is the unknown.
I am an admitted control freak::
Just give me an answer.  Now.  I deserve that.

Tomorrow is my 6 year anniversary there, too...

happy anniversary!  {insert sarcastic font}

Friday, I put my negative-energy into cleaning power.
Floor to ceiling.
sweep, mop, dust, wash, dry, scrub.
Windows up...
New plugs-in in;
house smelling like pine-sol, bleach and fall.

I picked up call Friday evening-- which can make me a little ugly.
Okay, really ugly.
I still managed dinner.
And Lance who always cleans up after dinner (without me asking) didn't.
I left it too.

Saturday I woke up mad.
The house, that I had busted my butt on the day before, already looked untouched.
Beckham cried non-stop.
Maddox never stopped talking, or following me.
Lance was at work.

I cried.

Mainly over the house, job, kids, husband...
but also because I knew I was being a monster,
and honestly could. not. stop.

Last night we went to dinner with the Morelands.
[remember my-friend-Wendy?!  --my maid of honor]
We always have the best time with them...
and they came back to our house [ice cream shakes in hand] until after 11:00, chatting.
but most of all, laughing.

I woke up in a much better mood today.
Which was needed.

Today was Katie-bug's 3rd birthday party!!
My friend Amanda [remember her-- my adulteress] lives an hour away.
Katie is her daughter.
I [in true Holly fashion] got lost and turned it into an hour and 45 minute trip to her house.
[nope, I have been to her house many-many times... as recently as 3 weeks ago, actually]
We had fun.
The party was great...
Having friend time was refreshing.
and needed.

Tomorrow I'll deal with work.
Which is literally all I can do.
Especially after I received an email tonight at dinner with my schedule.
For tomorrow.
That's it.

I hate that my career is a day by day gig at this point...
but sulking about it is only making me a bad wife and an inpatient mom,
and a loud person.

And no one deserves that.
Especially not these two sweet things!

Here's to it all working out.
Again.

busy. busy. busy.

We have been going non-stop.

I have so much to do before the party on Saturday...

Seriously, so much!

We are tired.

But no time to rest for this momma...

I scheduled myself to work Monday-Thursday this week. (without my Wednesday night off)

Monday morning (July 4th-- Woo-hoo, triple time!) was slow...

But I didn't sleep the night before-- and had to depend on coffee to pull me through.

It was my first morning to work since Beckham was born...

And my first time to leave B with someone other that Lance.

I was anxious, I won't lie.

Beckham was up fussing all night and was warm making me panic that he was febrile.

I only caught 99.7 but it was with a temporal scanner so I wasn't sure how accurate it was.

It was 2 days post his shots...

And it is no secret I hate shots...

He's better now.

Which means I am better too!

Better = busy in this house.

I ran errands for the first time today with both boys-- no Lance.

They were both perfect, seriously amazing.

Maddox was rewarded with a trip to McDonanlds.

(therefor I was disciplined with a trip to McDonalds-- serious beating)

Kids as big as me were running all over my biscuit-- making me want to pop a few heads off...

but I didn't-- I am sure it would have rained out his parade.

And quite the parade he had.

He smiled from ear to ear the whole time.

He didn't even fuss when it was time to leave...

Today was such a great day.

Back home, I had lists to make and chores to accomplish.

Have I told you before that I am a list maker?

I love making lists...

And lists of my lists...

And then I sometimes type my lists from there...

Probably wasted energy--

but it makes my head feel better.

So back to life I go--

I apologize from being absent, I've just been busy.

Working now...

Call until 11:00 tonight...

Wal-mart, Sams, Dollar Tree all on the list tomorrow...

Plus a birthday party tomorrow evening.

Parties are work...

And I hope it all comes together.

Stay posted for the results...

And a happy birthday post to my sweet Maddox, who turns three in 3 days.

Three.

Oh Mercy, me.

I could have sworn he was born a few months ago.

Tomorrow he is going to be driving.

Hate how fast time flies.

Love him.

To the moon and back.

work.

I never caught you up on my work situation.

[And I just got off the phone with my nursing supervisor-- and it sounds like this all could still change-- but for now, here goes...]

You may remember, days before delivering Beckham, I "lost my job".
Gallons of tears were shed, and finally I decided to be my own advocate, and I went to some of the doctors I work for and pleaded my case.

I have a really good relationship with most of the physicians of our practice and I think that, plus the pathetic sight a wailing 9 month pregnant girl, played to my benefit.

Chanda and I were given the call hours for these hours our office would no longer be open.
(meaning we work only 2 nights now, but make a few bucks more, and never have to leave our homes-- plus no gas bill)

I went in to deliver Beckham with a smile from ear to ear!
This awful situation had turned into my perfect scenario for a job.

Also, during this time, a physician who found my blog through my friend Kristen contacted me about a position in her practice.
Although, honored, I really couldn't give it much thought.
I had been verbally promised my dream job with a company I love.

I felt overwhelmingly blessed that she reached out to me...
I thought it was a true testament to her heart
But I had to decline her offer.

[This did, however, validate my idea that you just have to be honest about your situations in life-- people are willing to help, if they just know how they can.]

And I had to laugh at how that interview might go... she's read me curse, she's read me pray, she's seen pictures of me with my feet in stirrups... I even had a blog titled "I pooped today",  There would be no BSing in that interview!  If she has read enough, she already knows me!  :)

So I was grateful---
on all accounts.

and then things changed.

When Beckham was just a week or 2 old, the 17 doctors had a change of plan.

Night Clinic would not close, now-- but would be much different.
With 17 personalities, it would take a while for me to know exactly what my job would be... and honestly I think it is still all a bit of a cluster but bottom line, I have a job.
(Just not the exact one I had hoped for.)

It rotates offices, only some of the doctors will work it, no pay raise, no more drinks and snacks...
Same days...
Same hours. 
More of a mess-- but still a paycheck.

So now it is time.

I decided to ease back into working-- rather than jumping in head first.
(and yes, I am going back a bit sooner than I did with Maddox)

One night this week.
Two, next.
And the week of the 20th, I go back to my usual 3 nights.

I am no longer going to work every Saturday morning, even though I honestly really enjoyed them.
But I will stay in the mandatory weekend rotation, so I will have to pick up one Saturday or Sunday every month or two.
[Child care will be a major issue once we move back to Haslet-- with Lance working weekends and my mom camping with her girls.
I will have to get creative-- but I will work it out!]

So maternity leave ends for me tonight.
Kind of.

I think I am ready...
I'm definitely not excited,

(especially since I'm not working with my normal partner tonight)

but I am not miserably dreading it either, like I was after having Maddox!

I love pediatric nursing.
I love my job.
I love my friends there.

But I like it in a small quantities. :)

Pray tonight goes well! 

[I finally gave up...  Maddox takes after my brother in these-- not a picture one, with a real smile!  :)]

*UPDATE*
When I left, everyone was crying but me.
(well Lance wasn't in tears... but he was a nervous wreck, and pretty close I think!)
It was way easier this time... which makes me feel a bit guilty to admit.
Maddox was crying... and would get himself together enough to whisper, "please don't go momma"--
it was heart wrenching.
Leaving Beckham was the easy part, compared to that!

I went over the basics with Lance--
if he's crying, check his diaper-- feed him-- burp him-- swaddle him-- bounce him-- call me!
I left him plenty of pumped milk....

Or so I thought.
The little munch worm tore through all of it...
plus 2 ounce of formula...
and was ready to nurse when I walked through the door.

He is a chunk!

Goodness he's sweet.

They both are!