Day 1

Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts

I am Holly Erwin.  I am 26 years old and a pediatric nurse.

I enjoy:  Shopping, sleeping, spending time with my family... my husband... MADDOX... taking pictures... belly laughs... happy memories... vacations... Christmas... date nights... being creative... singing loud & horribly... editing pics... Each of Maddox's milestones... my clean house splashed with pine-sol... good music... at Gruene Hall... great friends... rainy days... pedicures... expensive jeans... hearing "I love you mommy"... Fall... complimenting strangers... having my hair tucked behind my ear... blogging... bargains... old stories... my mom... special glances... sappy movies... good dreams... Mexican food... soup... avocados... diamonds... snow... cooking... kisses to my forehead... and neck ;)... iced coffee... getting flowers... days at the lake... Yankee candles... vacuum lines on carpet... cheap, fun, junk jewelry... heartfelt cries... Maddox's laugh... good make-up... cute shoes that hurt my feet... inside jokes... Reef flip flops... my Mamaw... a good sermon on Sunday... surprises... high thread count sheets... dancing in the kitchen... dresses... sweet tea... going to breakfast... being a wife... being pregnant... BEING A MOMMY... living simple ...happy ...and feeling special.  (just as my side bar notes!)

But for a little more:

I have a best friend named Lance, who I am about to celebrate my 4th year of marriage with next week.

We met nine years ago and became an official couple February 21, 2002.  We became an engaged couple February 21, 2004 and were married December 2, 2006. We are always goofy and funny, but truly-connected best friends.

Together, we have an amazing little boy named Maddox.  He is such a special little soul who consumes our world.  He is extremely smart, caring, compassionate and sweet.  He loves to hug and kiss and has no problem expressing his emotions.  He is also full of energy, hard headed and often stubborn, but determined.  He is obviously very special to me not only because he is my precious baby boy, but also because he is what made my biggest wish in life to come true-- He made me a mommy!

We are now 19 weeks pregnant with our second bundle of joy.   We found out last week that it too, will be a little boy.  This pregnancy is flying by and it feels like it will be no time before we can see his tiny little face.  We are still undecided on names, but have narrowed it down to just a few.  We often find ourselves dreaming about what he will look like-- and can not wait to see if we are right!

I have a large and interesting family.  I have an amazing relationship with my mom and was blessed to be able to move near her recently.  It is just a temporary move, as we have our house rented out, but we sure our enjoying our time in the country.   It has been such a blessing to have my step-dad near as Lance works crazy hours!

I love my siblings to my core, and my nieces and nephews too. 

I have a great group of friends who I love dearly.  God has blessed me beyond measure in this department.  They are all very different, but all beautiful inside and out and some of the greatest moms I know.

That is me in a nutshell.

I do not have all that I want in life, but I am blessed and content with what I have.  

Recent picture:

P.S.  I had to crop myself out of a pic because I am always the one taking pics-- I'm never in any alone!!

15 interesting facts:

1. I love sweet tea.  But I try to drink decaf these days.
2. I am a Facebook and Blogger addict.
3. I rarely ever check the voicemail on my phone.  Once there are 8 or so in there, I delete them all at once.
4. I stopped eating ground beef about 8 or 9 years ago, but during this pregnancy I have eaten in twice.  One of the times was meat loaf!!
5. I can eat avocado everyday.  And peanut brittle.
6. I hate anything that jumps or flies... anything that I can not predict its next move.
7. I want to learn how to use the sewing machine my grandma bought for me 5 Christmases ago.  It has never been taken out of the box.
8. I want to go back to school.
9. My husband could literally tell you 100 things he would love to have for Christmas and I could tell you maybe 3.  Maybe it is because I go get something when I want it bad enough and he talks about it for a year.  Funny thing-- is that is what I did when we first started dating and it drove him crazy!
10. I bought a smaller car and 2 weeks later found out I was pregnant.  (I also completed a 360 on a knee board the day before I found out I was pregnant)
11. I love good makeup. and expensive jeans.  I can buy everything else at Target!
12. I constantly play out crazy scenarios in my head and think of how I would handle them.  This may mean I am crazy-- or it may just mean I am prepared.
13. I love my job.  I think I am pretty good at it.
14. If I could afford a million kids, I would fill my house to the brim.
15. I want fake boobies for my 35th birthday.  (Nursing 80 kids will do a number to your tatas!)

30 day challenge

30 Day Challenge?

A couple of my blogging friends have started this, and I decided to jump on the band wagon! 

I hope I don't wear my readers out by posting everyday for 30 days... but my comments are rather feast
or famine so I will probably either hear "ENOUGH!!" from 6 of you, or nothing at all... 

So I will go for it!!

Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts

Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name

Day 3-Your first love

Day 4-Your parents

Day 5-Your favorite recipes

Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy

Day 7-Favorite movies

Day 8-A place you've traveled to

Day 9-A picture of your friends

Day 10-Something you're afraid of

Day 11-Favorite tv shows

Day 12-What you believe

Day 13-Goals

Day 14-A picture you love

Day 15-Bible verse

Day 16-Dream house

Day 17-Something you're looking forward to

Day 18-Something you regret

Day 19-Something you miss

Day 20-Nicknames

Day 21-Picture of yourself

Day 22-What's in your makeup bag

Day 23-Favorite vacation

Day 24-Something you've learned

Day 25-Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs

Day 26-Picture of your family

Day 27-Pets

Day 28-Something that stresses you out

Day 29-3 Wishes

Day 30-a picture

So much to say.....

I know it has only been 5 days since I posted but I have so much to say....


As most all of my blog readers know by now, we are having another baby boy.
It was really fun having Maddox there and experiencing the sono through his eyes as well as ours!
He was really excited and we talked about all of the cool things he could teach his baby brother the entire way home.
I do not doubt for a second that he will be an amazing big brother.

When we first got the news, I was instantly excited.
Lance too smiled but then touched my leg and said, "We aren't done.  We will get a girl, babe."
In that moment I thought that was strange. 
I was excited.

Or I thought I was.

In my heart of hearts, I thought this was a girl.
I had played both sides of the margin through my head and was content with whichever way the cards may fall...
But I think that was because I thought I knew where they were falling.

It wasn't until I was back in the room with Dr Deem (Lance and Maddox had gone to the car) and she asked me, "a boy huh?  Are you okay?" And I realized I wasn't.  I wasn't okay at all.
I had gained another 3 lbs (6 pounds total-- I had gained 5 total at this point during Maddox pregnancy) and my BP was still great... but the rest of my time with Dr Deem was spent gasping into tissues. 

I spent 2 days crying.
And feeling alone, and selfish, and mad, and confused.
I cried more in those 2 days than I have in years.

I have said before that I am lucky to have married such a compassionate, patient, and caring man.
But this valley that I crawled through only emphasized how absolutely amazing he really is.
I knew that I should be excited.  We are having a healthy baby.  And a lot of people do not get that kind of news during this visit.
But it didn't matter.
I couldn't turn off my feelings.

Lance never told me how I should feel, or acted as if he was tired of seeing me cry, or reminded me what I had to be happy about... because he knew I already knew all of those things.
What he did was hold me.
And promised me that he wouldn't close the door on me for more babies.
And told me that I was the perfect mom to Maddox (a boy) and God knew what he was doing.
He helped me look ahead to the awesome things that 2 boys would bring into my life.
And help me see that God is in control of our life.
And reminded me that there is a reason God thought Maddox needed a brother.
And I needed another son.
And he is right.

My husband is a good, good man.
And you should know, as well as he does-- I love him to my core.
I can admit, now-- days later, that I was a little depressed about another boy, because it is no longer how I feel.
I am ready to be a mommy to another boy.

My mom, my husband, and a few very select friends held my hand through the rut.
And Candace helped most because she too went through this when finding out she was having a girl.
She told me, "You are grieving the loss of a girl, be patient. You will feel normal in time, I promise"
And I do.
And I'm back on top.
I remain the only princess to reign as an Erwin in this house.

We are having another baby boy.
And we are excited.
He will be as cute as Maddox.
His daddy will teach him all of the things his big brother has already mastered.
And he will adore his momma, just like his big brother already does!

P.S.
I now look pregnant.
This body change came yesterday.

*******
Change of pace:
Maddox loves matching games on my phone. 
I videoed him playing one so I could prove how fast he is at beating the game... but then I realized how boring it was for you to see him click squares until they all match up and then hear him say, "yay, I did it!"
Trust me, he's good!

He always says the funniest things.
A few from this week:

[we pull into Mexican Inn]

"That's a really big clock momma!"

"It sure is!"

"Yeah, it is TREMENDOUS!!!"

[Lance and I laugh hard... tremendous, really?!]

[Maddox comes into the kitchen smiling from ear to ear]

"knock knock momma"

"who's there Maddox?"

"Orange"

"Orange who?"

"Banana!"

[and then laughs hysterically as if he didn't leave out 1/2 the joke!]

Maddox still tells us things are "interwesting", "dewicious" and "beautiful all of the time.

IE:

[we were at Olive Garden for my sister's birthday and the little boy behind us was acting up]

"He's a bad boy, he's getting a spanking from his mommy"

"hush Maddox, turn around"

"Look at him mom, his mommy spanks him like daddy spanks me!"

"Maddox hush, you don't need to commentate"

"But I love him mom, he's beautiful!"

[aaaaaand now he's the weird kid!!]

Tonight he fell asleep while standing up!

********
Changing again:
He was far from funny this Saturday at the mall, when Maddox went missing.
We parked at Dillard's (as we always do) but on the little girl's side, because we were looking for outfits for my niece Ellie for Christmas.
We had taken the crappy umbrella stroller, which he hates... and can control the pace of by putting his feet down or simply standing up, leaving the stroller strapped to his back like a turtle.
So to forgo a fight, I let him walk.
Big mistake. Big. HUGE.
(that was for anyone who loved Pretty Woman as much as I did!)

We were in the store maybe 30 minutes when I found an outfit for Ellie Belly and was ready to check out.
I literally looked down at Maddox, pulled my debit card out of my wallet, handed it to the cashier, and heard my mom say, "where's Maddox?"
I didn't panic, because remember-- I just saw him.
She said his name a couple of times and started walking around the cash register looking for him.
I said his names a few times too, still not panicked, but got no response.
I then started counting... (he never lets me get past 2.) 
1... 2... 3...
Nothing.

Panic started easing on.

Mom and I both walked out into the hallway that splits the little girl's section and started saying his name louder, while crouching down and looking between racks, and checking other sections-- baby section, shoes, boys....
But no Maddox.

A few people made laughy-type comments, "oh-- someone's lost" ...others looked on with a sad face as if they felt for us but gave no assistance... but a few helpful 10 or so started looking with us.
Minutes went by (which felt like years) and my mom nor I either one were very calm.
The worker called security and had the cameras zoomed in.
I had gone outside to the bell ringer and asked, "Have you seen a little boy come out this door wearing a white Polo shirt and orange hat?" 
I mean, I knew down to the detail of his outfit- white Polo with a navy blue horse, burnt orange UT hat with his name stitched on the side, dark demin jeans from Crazy eight, brown stride rite velcro shoes, white socks with grey bottoms and a Luvs diaper, size 4.
I could sketch the profile of this child with my left hand in the dark.
I just couldn't find him.

Both crying and yelling Maddox's name through tears...
It felt like we were never going to find him.
I knew that if he could hear me he would come.
Maddox can not stand to see me upset-- so with no movement, no"I'm right here momma!", no giggling--I was already anticipating the worst.
All I could think about was the host of America's Most Wanted's son Adam, and the phone call I was going to have to make to his daddy.
How empty I already felt.
How I already could not breathe without him....

My mom had already traveled to the other side of Dillard's still screaming and scared when a worker said, I found him!!  He's right here!!!"

Talk about emotions...
Though my heart wanted to kiss his and squeeze him and stick him back in my papoose where he would be safe forever...
my adrenaline and emotion took over.

As soon as I could touch him, he was being spanked.
I do not believe I have ever had a crowd for such a thing before but I didn't care.
Maddox was crying too at this point saying he was sorry...
and an older lady ran in between him and I reminding me that he was safe.

It was the scariest 7 or 8 minutes of my life.
Horrible.
Horrible.
Horrible.

He was strapped back into that stroller for the rest of the day.

********
Final topic change:

Lance's step dad was diagnoses with stage 4 Melanoma in his brain a couple of months ago.
He completed radiation and is now going through chemotherapy with no positive response.
They originally removed the largest tumor but the others have continued to grow, and one has now surpassed the size of the largest tumor originally removed.
Throughout this process, multiple times he has been given days or weeks to live, but keeps kicking their numbers, but everyone seems to think this time he is truly is down to just days.
Lance and his brother are heading down to see him and be there for support for his mom tomorrow and will not come home until Wednesday evening.
I pray that they have a safe trip, and are able to keep good spirits about them during this difficult time.
I hate that Lance's Thanksgiving break is going to be spent this way... since he goes back to work Thursday,
but I know he needs to go.
And more importantly, his mom needs them there with her.
I feel so bad for his mom.
(and obviously for his step-dad too)
It is such a terrible thing.

Life is short.
And unexpected.

Please pray for Kenneth.
And for Janet, Lance's mom.