Tuesday, May 31, 2011

memorial day weekend

As the rest of the world was counting down the days until their three day weekend...
I was dreading its arrival.

Lance went back to work Friday.

I anticipated much more anxiety than I really had, Friday was good.

We didn't sleep well Thursday night.  (but what else is new)
We woke up to a phone call that my grandparents were in the area and were going to stop by.
I apologized for the messy house and pajamas but told them to come on...

Maddox missed his daddy like crazy on Friday...
Beckham spent the day practicing his smile.

After Lance got home, we went to Bridgeport to pick up a prescription for Beckham's bleeding and peeling bottom.  (the 2nd Rx)
We stopped at Chicken Express for food on the way home and each got a large drink.
Lance had brought a cup of tea from the house and I was going to finish it off so I could set our drinks in the cup holders.
To my surprise, my husband cleared him phlem into the cup, shortly before I got a drink.

Immediately, I was hurling.
Lance pulled the car over so I could vomit.
I'm talking about the from-the-bottom-of-your-toes ear-wrenching sounds were coming from this body.
...Only to look up and see we had pulled into the yard of a family trying to enjoy a summer's BBQ.

What a joke.
What a disgusting, horrifying, still-makes-me-nauseous joke!

We left there and headed to mom's.
She had promised Maddox he could come up and water her flowers and he ended up spending the night.
Lance and I were in bed by 10:00...  but Beckham didn't get the memo.
We fed at 10:00, 1:00, 3:30, 6:00, and 9:00.  (I even tried "topping him off" with formula that night, to buy some extra sleep.
(I should have got a refund)

After the 9:00 feed, I headed to mom's to pick up Maddox.
Together we went to the antique mall in Azle and Walmart.
Both boys did really well while we were out... 
Saturday was good

Saturday night, however,  was a disaster.
Beckham woke up every 3 hours to feed.  (typical)
He peed all over my side, on my pillow, and soaked his nightgown during a diaper change.
He refused to go back to sleep after his 1:00 feed... keeping us me awake until 3:30.

Coinsidenly, Maddox (who has always been a great sleeper) woke up on an alternate schedule.
to tell me he needed to go potty...
and then he fell out of his bed...
he cried because there was a monster in his room...
and by morning, would not stop talking or touching sleeping Beckham.
Oh, and he was starving...
(incredibly atypical)

Lance and I may or may not have divorced during the night when he told me to calm down after the pee episode.  (the pee catastrophe fell at the end of the 2 1/2 hours of wake-ness)
Calm down?
I have not slept in 6 weeks... even if I wanted to sleep, my side of the bed is soaked, and it is inevitable-- the moment I close my eyes someone is going to need me--
do. not. tell me. to calm down.

Oh, wait is it 3:45?-- is that your alarm wailing in my ear?-- are we really going to hit snooze 3 times?
For the love of all things great and mighty... Can't I just sleep?!

Calm down, he says.

On, what felt like a minute of sleep, I crawled out of bed to begin my day.
My very busy day.

I realized, rather quickly, that the "perfect baby" that I have been gloating about for weeks-- may only have been so perfect because he was touching me the first 5 weeks of his life.
He is sort of spoiled.
And I am not writing this in the cute-- 'oh-my-baby-is-spoiled-rotten' sort of way.
I am writing this in the, 'stabbing-myself-in-the-eye-with-a-sharp-object' sort of way.

Now that I don't have an extra set of hands, he is showing his true colors.
Which are vivid!!
Every time I put him down longer than 5 minutes, he fusses.
He is still not a big cry-er... but he is certainly not content without his momma, either. 

The swing... he hates it.
The bouncy seat... it sucks too.

By 10:00am I was spent.
And crying...
and feeling like I wasn't cut out for this job.

So I did what any good wife would do.
I called Lance at work.
In hysterics.

He picked up the phone to a tearful, rambled mess of, "I am so tried!", "I could do this if I could just sleep.", "I am sorry, I thought I could handle it..."  "I am not a good mom"... "I am not patient"... "I am taking it out on Maddox."... "If I could just rest"... "sleep."... "so much to do today"... "I just need sleep"... "could Maddox please just shut-up"... all with a screaming infant in the back-ground.

He thought I should stay home and try and rest, but I knew that was impossible.
The house is a disaster, the 2 year old won't sleep...
If I stay here, I'll be practicing my swan dives off of the back porch by noon...
I'm leaving.

So we did.

First stop; Kade's 3rd birthday party.

Kade's mommy (Mandy) and I have been friends since the first grade.
She was my very first friend in Paradise, and together we made a million memories.
Our brothers were the same age and also BFF so we all grew up together.
Mandy and I fought like sisters, laughed like sisters, and ended up having babies together too. 
Kade is just a couple months older than Maddox; and Beckham and Grant are 3 months apart. 

I have been telling Maddox about the party since we got the invite and he was excited to go!
He picked him out a beach ball sprinkler and 3D bubbles that have stars in them when you wear the special glasses.
For days he has talked about his "little brother A" and how he is going to share the bubbles and the ball with him!

Mandy did a BLUE themed party (Kade's favorite color) and everyone was supposed to dress accordingly!
The kid's played their hearts out in the bounce house and swing set... and stuffed their faces with cake!

I got to chat with Po and Randi (my SIL)
And for a minute, I forgot how tired I really was.

From there, we picked up Lance and headed out to his sisters' for a cook out.

Jenn is the queen of snacky, can-I-copy-that-recipe, food!
She made a grape salad (that I will dream about for weeks), a broccoli salad, stuffed ritz crackers wrapped in bacon, chipotle cream cheese dip, and Texas caviar.  (but a better variation than I have had before)
It was all delicious!
Lance's dad brought burgers, brauts and hot dogs.
We brought steak and chicken, and Lance's brother brought salmon and veggies.

The kids played and played...

The babies slept, ate, and were passed around for the gaulking!
[My BIL's baby, Lorna, is about 3 month older than Beckham, and they got to meet each other for the first time.]

We played the xbox Kinect game.
I enjoyed a glass of red wine and we did what we do best when we get together.
We laughed.
I felt delusionally tired on our drive home, probably more tired than the day we came home from the hospital, but was so glad I decided to go to all of our planned events for the day.

What started out as the worst day yet, parenting these two...
turned out to be an awesome day.

And get this... an even awesome-er night!

Beckham slept from 11:00-4:00!!!
Nursed at 4:00, back to sleep by 5:00.
Up again at 7:00, but only for about 10 minutes and then was awoken by his brother at 9:00.

How' that for some sleep!!

Yesterday, refueled, we went to mom's to soak up the sun.
$15 was a great investment for this little plastic pool.
Maddox did not want to get out!

5 hours in that little pool [most of it naked] + multiple layers of sunscreen = one happy [and tired] little boy.

Mom grilled chicken and pork chops-- red potatoes, mac'n'cheese, corn, and baked beans.
I cleaned the kitchen--
and we headed home.

It ended up being a fantastic holiday weekend... despite my fear of the unknown!!

[and guess what?!  It is already Tuesday (Lance's Friday)... so I have my husband home again for the next 2 days!!]  :)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Happy one month birthday!

Beckham Harold Erwin
Already you have brought a million blessings to us.

I love you a billion.
And each minute of your life, 
I love you a trillion more.

You sleep alot.  (Mostly during the day)
You cry very little (although it is the sweetest sound when you do)
You love your booby milk. (however mommy is not completely pain free yet)
You're growing and changing every day, right before our eyes.

You are starting to coo,
and even smile from time to time...
(but it is difficult to catch on camera.)

Though I am ready to sleep all night, 
I would rather slow down this clock of life.

Today you are 1 month old...
Tomorrow I will be planning your third birthday.
 Just like your biggest fan, Maddox.
The other apple of my eye.

Happy one month birthday Bexy-boo!

the happiest momma in the world.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Test run

Yesterday Lance and my step-dad went to the Colonial.

Consequently, this meant I was at home with my two boys-- attempting our first day without the help of my side kick.  Alone.

It was a test run.
Lance goes back to work Friday.

The morning went great.
So great, that after breakfast--  I talked Maddox into snuggling in my bed, during the storm, to watch Dora.
Me and Beckham got about a 2 hour nap.

I made biscuits and jelly for breakfast, (Maddox snuck the jelly and I found him sitting under his Cars table, sucking it out of the container) and taco soup for lunch.  (Maddox wouldn't eat it at all-- apparently he was full of Jelly)

If we would have stayed home, I would have called yesterday a success.

We didn't stay home.

The next part isn't horrible.
And by "not horrible"-- meaning I didn't cry.
And by "didn't cry"-- I mean, I am too dang tired to cry.

We had to drive to Fort Worth.
Because "the boys went to the Colonial", really means-- the boys watched golf, and drank a lot of beer and should not drive themselves home.

So my sister came to my house,
and we headed out.

Our first stop was The Olive Garden to meet mom.

Maddox acted decent.
We've had better restaurant experiences....  (I mean he did lose his ball under another family's table-- And mom let him eat THREE butter packets.)
But we've definitely had worse too.

We left there and headed to the mall.
I had a gift card from my birthday, and I wanted to get a few shirts that wouldn't point out my gut like a neon sign... And were low cut enough so that I could nurse in them, but not look like a porn star, flaunting my rack.

Just as we arrived, I realized I forgot the stroller.
Luckily my sling was in the car,
So we were saved!

However, it is extremely difficult to wear a baby and try on clothes.
 (and there's really no where to put him, when you dis-attach!)

Allison ended up going for nothing but finding 4 or 5 shirts and a pair of leggings...
I got a dress and a pair of pants.
(Neither I came for)
And no shirts.

My mom is my favorite person to shop with.
I enjoy shopping for my sister too.
However, I never really enjoy doing that all together.
And I dang-sure don't enjoy doing it with the monster Maddox.

Many, many, many tears were shed by the almost 3 year old yesterday at the mall.
We all lost our patience with him at one point or another.
Me the most.

Finally we called it a day-- and headed to get the boys.

They wanted Don Pablos for dinner.

I complain a lot about my body not bouncing back as quickly as it did after Maddox,
but I really shouldn't complain:
I have done this to myself.

I scarfed down chips and hot sauce-- tortillas and queso-- I ate some of Lance's onions, pepper and guacamole from his fajitas and I ate a sopapilla.
All of that-- just 4 hours post sharing tortellini and marinara with my sister, salad, bread sticks and Caprese bread.
[In my defense; I started out losing weight really fast-- but that was causing my milk supply to decrease, so I pumped up the calories.
My milk is once again like thick cream... but my belly looks like a bowl of jelly.]

Beckham wanted to eat, just as we were leaving the restaurant. 
Maddox, still acting awful, wanted to go with my parents.
Both kids screaming, I fed the little one in the parking lot.
The big one kept crying.

I thought I had pacified Beckham enough to make it home.
I was wrong.

20 minutes down the road, both kids crying-- we stopped for another feed.
Again, I tried to give him just enough to make it home--
He wasn't impressed.

Because I didn't want to sit another hour in a parking lot with an exhausted toddler, (who had finally quit sulking) I decided I would go into CVS and buy binkies.

They only had one package for a baby less than 6 months old.
They were hideous.
And they cost me $17.

(Well, the binkies cost me $7... and the other $10 was for the bottle of Merlot that I grabbed as I checked out.)

The boy behind the counter wanted to ask me questions about my combination of purchase.
"So I bought wine at a drug store...."
Yeah, its a new low for me--
but come ride in my car before you judge.  ;)

CVS-boy wanted to ask me about my new baby... he then wanted to be the spokes-person for My Baby Can Read and tell me about his genius 14 month old who can identify over 40 words and who is potty trained...
He was a friendly guy-- probably younger than me, but called me sweetie (gag)--
And apparently he doesn't read faces well.
Because, frankly my dear-- I don't give a damn, should have been written all over mine.

Back in the car, Maddox fell asleep and Beckham quit crying.
Not because of that binky though-- it was a $7 bust.

Lance carried the sleeping monster in the house...
And guilt set in.
They look so sweet and peaceful when they sleep...
and I can't help but replay every negative word and frustrated look I had given him in my head.

Its a known fact that I am a fan of discipline...
however, long before Maddox was even born, I read that it is best to encourage your children with positive words about their character rather than their physical attributes, etc. and I try and hold true to that rule.
I also believe in the 10 positives for each negative rule.

Neither were accomplished yesterday.

I prayed over my boys last night--
hoping for a better game plan.

I don't want to be decent at the job I do as their mom... I want to be excellent.
But striving for excellence is why I feel like a failure after days like those.

I really wasn't beat down by yesterday, believe me-- we have had WAY worse days.
I just counted it as a loss.
I was just disappointed with myself and the way I handle the maniac he can be.

Obviously we aren't going to have perfect days.
He's going to be a rat.
The little one is still going to need a ton of my time and attention and that is trying to Maddox.
I just prayed for the best way to acknowledge him and handle these situations without feeling like I spent the entire day drowning his name and acting-a-fool!

Today was better.
However, we stayed home.

And that's really my best trick. 

Test run down...
6 days until we do this for real.

Here goes!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


Oh how I miss thee.

Yesterday Kristen and her girls came over for lunch and to play...
I have no pictures... but I think she took a few.
Whew-- I miss her!
And those precious little girls of her's too!!

For dinner we went to my parents and Lance grilled steaks, and zucchini-squash-peppers-mushrooms and-onions on the grill.  Mom made rolls, home-made au'gratin potatoes, corn, and broccoli-cauliflower-and-carrots. And I made a salad and brought the leftover icecream cone- cupcakes from earlier in the day...
We stuffed our faces-- 
and then watched the Mavs take game one!

It was about 11:00 when the game was over--
but it felt like 4:00am.
Maddox crashed in bed with mom, Beckham in my lap--
I've been sleep-walking for weeks.

Beckham fed at 11:30... 3:00ish... and 7:00.
(not bad- but it still takes him about an hour to nurse)
I pumped at 7:00 so Lance could feed and I could go back to sleep.

But then Maddox woke up.
And he wanted to get in my bed and snuggle.

So we did.

Just as I got back to sleep it was 9:00 and Beckham wanted to feed again.


No, he's just spoiled.
He wanted me.

Two minutes of sucking and that toot was asleep on my chest.
But no more sleeping for me.

I do not remember being this tired after Maddox.
But Maddox was a great sleeper.
Nor did he have a 2 year old sibling craving my attention when he was sleeping.
And I think I was too anxious to worry about sleep back then.
Or maybe it was just one more thing on my list of things that I cried about...
Either way-- I do not remember this kind of exhaustion.

I look like hell.

I photoshopped the pic of me in the previous post on the couch with the boys asleep in my lap because I looked like I had been in a bar fight.
I know that makes me a fake.
But I don't care.

I have not slept since April 19th.

Remember sleep?
Eight hours of it... in a row.
Or five...
Yeah, I'd take five.

On clean sheets...
in a cool, dark room.

Oh my gah.... Heaven.

I'd choose sleep over a steaming hot bath.
Over the re-opening of KBobs, a feet rub, a Joe T's margarita, a girls night-- a date night-- or tickets to a Mavs playoff game, breakfast at Cracker Barrel, a day of shopping, or a hour having my hair played with.

But what trumps sleep...
is a request by my sweet biscuit for a picnic with his family.

How could I pick a nap over this:

Especially once he told us he loved this picnic...
And that today "was the greatest day of his life"...

I have to admit...
It was pretty nice.
Back inside,
both boys are sleeping...
not yet.

But I have faith that me and the sand man will meet again.
One day.

One bless-ed day.

Until then, I will look like hell.  :)

Monday, May 16, 2011

Lance's should have wrote this...

It would have been better that way.
Since its his heart I'm spilling...
I'm just standing behind him shaking my head in agreement.

[This is for you Libby (and Amanda and Wendy) who asked me to blog...]

I promised I would journal today, but I really didn't know what I was going to say...
I'm not overwhelmed with any feelings of mushy-ness, pissed-off-ness, anxiety or what-not right now...
Nothing new to document, really.

Beckham still isn't sleeping all that well...
But he's 3 weeks old.

He's eating.
And growing.
And doing just what a boy his age should be.

And I am learning to live on less sleep.

Maddox isn't acting great.

But, if he's well rested-- he's good.

And I'm learning to let go of the small things.

Lance still has 11 days left of paternity leave.
I have more-than-enjoyed our time off together.

However, some days I think I am ready for him to go back.

Other days I don't know if I can do this alone.

Tomorrow, my friend Kristen is driving a million miles to come play.
I haven't seen her since we visited them, this fall.
I should have plenty of pictures to blog once they leave.
We are excited to see them!

Lance mowed the yard earlier,
preparing for their arrival.

I anticipate some fun in the sun for our babies while we catch up!

When he came in, he was telling me how Maddox was following him around everywhere,
and telling him they were best friends.

He was watching Maddox play in the dirt...

and run...
and kick his ball...
and throw rocks...
And get filthy  (causing him to need yet another bath today.)

He said he realized that this is pretty close to the American dream.

Of course we don't have the money that the typical American dream calls for...
but what's money?

There's no price tag on what we have.

We both miss our nicer, newer, cleaner, home in Haslet...
but we will miss this land, this space, and the fresh air more than anything.

If we were going to stay here,
there are things we could do to umph it up a bit...
but since this was always a temporary move--
we didn't put in the extra work.

Lance was saying that he feels like this was perfect...
that we may not be rich,
but we are happy,
and have a good marriage,

and perfect boys,
and are living the dream.

I guess he's right.

Maybe I should let him blog from now on!  

But for now...
both boys are asleep.

Just like this.

I think I might join them.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

We (slightly last minute) decided to go camping for Mother's Day.
My doctor wasn't too thrilled about it, since part of her orders included sitting...
and resting.
But I wanted to go.
And I surely am not sitting or resting here.
So off to Oklahoma we went.

Lance and I left out around 1:00.
We pulled my parents brand new (smaller) trailer, to get it set up and ready.

The spots in Lake Murray State park are first come, first serve--
and with it being a 'holiday weekend', we thought we should try and get there early and find 2 spots together.

Of course our 2 week old, called for a break just north of Denton to eat.
But we made lunch out of that stop and continued on.

Once reaching the park, the only 2 spots we found together, were right on the water.
Not necessarily what we wanted with 3 small kiddos--
but it ended up working out perfectly.

We had quite a few hours of family bonding while waiting on the rest of our crew.
Beckham got to ride in his pouch.
(He loves his pouch!)
Maddox was able to "help" Lance set up the trailer, feed the geese, throw rocks in the water, play at the park-- just steps from our site, and color with his chalk.

My parents arrived that evening with their bigger trailer for all of of us to sleep in...
and brought with them, my sister and her friend Elissa.
And my sister-in-law, Randi and her 2 babies.  (Ellie and Gunner)

Saturday, we woke up and had breakfast.
(my favorite part about camping)
The kids rode their riding toys and threw more rocks...
And then we headed to Arbuckle Wilderness...

If I'm honest, it probably wasn't worth the money...
But the kids loved it.
And that's really all that matters!

My favorite part of our drive through-- by far-- was watching everyone try to evade the emus and ostriches!!
Lance almost broke his neck trying to get away from one and I laughed so hard.
Then we saw one coming up on my sister and Elissa...
We very well could have warned them...
but we didn't!
I grabbed my camera, and held my tummy from the giggling!!

Don't worry...
Karma caught up with me!

When I was trying to get a picture of the girls hand-feeding the giraffe, I was shocked to see a squeamish- beak 2" from my ear.
I screamed and jumped and bopped my tiny baby in the head with my camera with my panic attack.
He was fine.
And these were the best pictures I got!

After our drive through, we stopped at the picnic tables for lunch.

It was hot.
And the kids didn't eat all that well.

But they played their little hearts out.
And what more could you want?!

After our day at Arbuckle, we headed back to the lake.

We didn't bring the kids bathing suites...
but Gigi said that was okay.

We pretended that we didn't look a bit trashy!
The kids had the time of their lives!!
We grilled burgers and steak and veggie kbobs for dinner.
Grilled pineapple.
Baked beans.
Chips and homemade salsa.
And my famous spiked punch!

After dinner we ate the Mother's Day cake my sister brought.
The kids played until dark...
And then crashed.

We followed suite.

We made it home around 4:30 Sunday, and then went to meet Lance's mom for dinner.

Our weekend getaway was a great mother's day gift.
It definitely trumps the standard Hallmark card!